


You are perfect the way you are

by NaniOrange



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Boys' Love, Bullying, Comfort, Falling In Love, Feelings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Humor, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Romance, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Smut, Verbal Humiliation, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 15:15:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 62,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14751314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaniOrange/pseuds/NaniOrange
Summary: Do you think you could love and trust again, when you would have been bullied your whole life? Bullied so much to the point that you hate yourself and think that you aren't worthy anything anymore and that you don't want anybody's help, not even from your closest friends?Do you think you could?This story is about such a boy named Kim Jongdae, who is going to find this out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the beginning of the Baekchen story. <3
> 
>  
> 
> I hope that you will like it ^3^
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> But I have to warn you. This is about very sensitive topics, like (self-)body shaming, eating disorders, psychic strain, self hate, bullying because of the sexuality.
> 
> Homosexuality is still a very sensitive and non accepted topic in Korea as you may all know and this story is about those problems homosexuals have. I have also asked my friend abou that topic (she is korean) and I have heard some really shitty and unbelievable things, how homosexuals are treated there sometimes. So this story is based on how homosexuals could be (and also sometimes are) treated there. 
> 
> So I couldn't make everybody in this story a homosexual. I hope you understand that. The majority is bisexual here, but some are also hetero, so please don't be offended or disappointed, if your favourite ships aren't together in this story. I tried to make it as realistic as I could.
> 
> Like I said, it is very sensitive and it can be really shocking, so I also set a trigger warning.
> 
>  
> 
> But I hope that you will enjoy it nevertheless <3

_“Ugly, fat.”_ He thought as he looked at himself in the bathroom-mirror.

“Why have you eaten so much you dumbass?”, Jongdae whispered to himself, ogling his belly.

 _“Do you want to get even fatter?”_ , he internally blamed himself.

 

It has been months since he last had looked at himself.

 

And he hated it. Especially now after he had eaten something.

 

He hated seeing his body in the mirror. It was disgusting him, when he saw it. He felt like he could throw up every moment. He hated his body. He had hated it ever since his early childhood years.

 

Jongdae looked down to his stomach, pinching it.

“Too much fat”, he whispered absent-mindedly as he went over to the toilet and went down on his knees.

 

The boy opened the toilet lid and removed the mask from his face. Then he brought two fingers to his mouth. He moved them quickly up and down his throat, triggering his gag-reflex.

When he felt a familiar weird feeling building up in his stomach he rammed his middle finger harshly into his mouth for one last time.

 

Then he withdrew his hand and he was gagging non-stop.

His body began to tremble and it only worsened with every following gag.

 

Jongdae felt a sour and burning sensation creeping up his throat and into his mouth. He tasted the sour liquid in it. It was sickening, but he endured it.

 

 

Then the next moment he threw up.

 

 

Hard.

 

 

Groaning from the stinging pain in his mouth and throat.

 

It hurt.

 

It hurt like hell, but it was necessary.

 

 

His throat felt like it was on fire, like little needles would be scraping the sensitive skin off. It felt horrible.

 

The sensation got even more painful as his gagging-reflex died down, after he had thrown up everything that had been inside his stomach. His gut hurt. It clenched and unclenched rapidly.

 

But he didn’t care.

 

 

He just felt relieved that he wasn’t going to gain weight as he looked at the remains of his dinner.

 

 

Jongdae felt nauseous and immediately flashed the toilet so that he hadn’t to look at this filthy thing he had done. The boy stood up with shaky legs as he stabilized himself on the toilet, because he wasn’t able to stand on his own feet anymore after this.

It had weakened his body too much.

 

 

He had to wait some minutes everytime he did it so that his body could build up some power again.

 

 

After about five minutes he released his grip from the loo and walked over to the sink to clean his mouth and get himself ready for sleep.

 

 

His stomach still had a cramp and his throat was aching like hell and the toothpaste that ran down his throat only made the pain more unbearable. Making tears built up in his eyes.

But he didn’t care again.

 

It was necessary in his opinion, although he had this guilty feeling in his chest that was hunting him every single time he threw up on purpose.

Telling him to stop and to change for his own sake, for his parents and his friends, who cared for him.

 

 

And he wanted to...really...., but somehow he couldn’t

 

 

He had already tried it so many times, but this ugly voice in his head had returned every single time and had told him that he should go on. That he was ugly and that it was no wonder that nobody wanted him. That he had to do it, no matter what. That he was fat and should stop eating. Or that when he had eaten something that he should throw up immediately, before he could gain weight and turned even more ugly.

 

 

It was horrible....this little sneaky evil voice inside his head.

 

But he couldn’t fight it.

 

 

So he tried to hide it from his parents, because he didn’t want them to worry even more. They had already found out one time and he had promised them to stop.....and he did for a certain amount of time.

 

He had tried.

 

But after two weeks he wasn’t able to bear it anymore and fell back into his old behaviour.

 

 

It destroyed him.

 

Being this weak....

 

 

But he thought that he deserved it and that it was the right way, although it wrecked him that he had to lie to his parents and had to betray them.

 

It made him feel so guilty.

 

Yet, he had learnt to deal with it....somehow. And if the pain became too much he had....other ways of getting along with it.

 

 

But nobody knew it. He hid it as good as he could from his friends and family. Hoping that they would never find it out again, because it would hurt them too much. Or they could maybe hate him for lying to them and abandon him.

 

No....he didn’t want this to happen.

 

So he had to hide it even better....

 

 

And so he caressed the scars on his arms unconsciously as he returned to his room.

 

 

He changed into his pyjamas and nestled down in his bedsheets. It was the only place, where was able to relax himself. Feel at ease, because he felt save, like nobody could ever hurt him.

 

 

He wrapped the sheets even tighter around his body as suddenly something came to his mind. Something very unpleasant.

 

Tomorrow was his first year as a high school student. His first school day.

 

 

He didn’t want to go there.

 

If he wouldn’t have had compulsory attendance, he would have quit school years ago.

 

It was a place of horror and fear for him. The mere thought of the word gave him goosebumps. School was the place where he was the most vulnerable. Where he had had his worst experiences, his biggest fears....

 

School was a nightmare for him....

 

It had been his entire life...; But he had also learnt to live with that.

 

 

So he closed his eyes, hoping he would survive this last three years of a nightmare.

 

 

-

 

 

The next morning he was gently woken up by his mother, who kissed him on his cheek.

Jongdae made himself read and joined his parents for breakfast, although he would really like to skip it. Yet, he stayed and ate for the sake of his parents.

 

 

“So, are you excited?”, his mother asked soothingly as she was chewing her bread. “Don’t know. But I am not really looking forward to it to be honest”, Jongdae shrugged, stabbing aimlessly around in his food.

 

His mother frowned.

 

“Don’t be this pessimistic. Maybe this year is going to be better”, she tried to cheer him up. “Yeah, see it as a kind of a new chapter in your life”, his father agreed, smiling brightly at him.

 

But Jongdae just nodded, returning the smile faintly.

 

 

His parents have always been like that. Optimistic, helping, caring, just really lovely people. They treated him so well. Every single action of them filled with love and care. But they could also get easily worried.

 

Jongdae loved them. He loved them so much. He cared for them, more than for anybody else. More than they cared for him sometimes.

 

That was the reason, why it hurt so much to lie to them. He could stab himself for it. But he knew that it was better this way, because so they wouldn’t have to worry more than they already did.

 

They knew, what had happened to him. What had happened in school and it hurt them so much to see their son this depressed and lifeless.

 

 

So he decided to hide it and carry this burden on his own shoulders.

 

Alone.

 

 

As he got lost in his thoughts, he made his track towards the door, putting on his mask and sunglasses to cover his face.

 

But as he was about to leave, something suddenly hugged him from behind and the boy knew, who it was and turned around to hug his mother back. She caressed his back and whispered, “I love you. We do. Your father and I. Please don’t ever forget that.”

 

She loosened he grip to look up into her son’s eyes as she cupped on of his cheeks. “You are the most precious thing in our life, Jongdae. So please take care”, she said in a calming tone. “Good luck”, she smiled, making the crinkles on her ageing, but still beautiful face visible.

 

 

She had a flat nose, high cheekbones with chubby cheeks, which made her face seem trustworthy and comforting. Her eyes had a light brown colour and her hair was a mixture of grey and black.

 

Jongdae smiled back weakly under his black mask, nodding before he left the house, waving back at her.

 

 

As the door closed, he sighed heavily and set out for school. He didn’t want to go there. It was creeping him out by just thinking about that huge and scary building. He didn’t know, if he would be going to manage it to withstand three more years there. He only had bad memories about school. Except the end of middle school.

 

There it got a bit better, since he somehow had managed to gain some friends, who accepted him as he was. They had also helped him to gain at least a little bit of self-confidence, but it still hadn’t been that much. He still was too traumatized from the incidents in his past, which had marked him.

 

So he neither had hope for a change, nor high expectations on the new school.

 

 

The boy didn’t want to get hurt and be disappointed again. Because everytime he had hoped that it would get better with the years, that something would change. But to his dismay it had only gotten worse and more painful over the years. And everytime his faith in change decreased until he had no more faith left.

 

 

And everytime it had happened, he had been so devastated, so broken that he had stopped believing.

 

 

It was tiring him. Robbing his power and life. He had looked like a corpse everytime that had happened. His skin got pale and his eyes were red with bid dark bag underneath them. His friends had worries so much about him that they wouldn’t leave him alone and would even skip sleep to take care of him.

 

 

That was the moment, where he had decided to hide his feelings and his condition. Jongdae didn’t want his friends to suffer with him. They should enjoy their lives and not waste their power and risk their health for him. And although Jongdae had been happy that they care about him, he didn’t want them to worry so much.

 

And his plan had worked pretty good, except for two of his friends, whom he had known since his early childhood years, for which he was so thankful. If they wouldn’t have been, he might wouldn’t have been alive today….

 

 

A warm tingle flew through his body as he thought about them. Those two people gave him so mu-

 

 

CLAP!

 

 

Suddenly something slapped his ass, which made Jongdae flinch and squeak at the same time. He turned around to see, who it was and was met with Luhan, who was laughing his ass off, and a face-palming Joonmyun.

 

His two best childhood friends.

 

 

“Oh my god! You should see your fucking face now!”, Luhan roared with laughter as he tried to catch his breath.

 

Joonmyun on the other just shook his head and gave Jongdae a hug. “Good morning, Jongdae. How are you? I must apologize for Luhan’s inappropriate behaviour. Since he and Sehun got together he is behaving like a three year old child as you may have noticed now”, Joonmyun explained.

 

 

Jongdae’s eyes widened under his sunglasses and he glanced over to Luhan, whose laughter died down into small chuckles.

 

“WHAT? Really? Since when?”, he asked. “For almost two months.”   
“So long? Why hasn’t anybody told me that?”, the younger whined.

 

“Well, because some certain idiot had bricked his phone and went on a trip with his parents to the arse-end of the world”, Luhan retorted, making Jongdae flush in embarrassment. “Well….,yeah. But you could have come over and told me”, he countered.

“Hm. If I think ‘bout that. I could have. But between a good fuck-session and travelling to the end of the world, I would chose the fuck-session”, Luhan shrugged, making Jongdae blush madly as he looked away.

 

“You would have found out sooner or later, so why do you make such a fuss about it?”, Luhan said.

 

But shortly after that Joonmyun hit him hard on his head, giving him a certain look to make Luhan understand that he should watch out, what he said.

 

 

Luhan understood it immediately and added an, “But I promise that I will tell you new like this instantly in the future, okay? This time it was just a bit fucked with our communication thing.” Slinging an around Jongdae’s shoulders, which made the boy look up to him.

 

“Okay? I promise and I think you know me long enough that you can agree that I tell you and Joonmyun everything in the first place, when something new happens. So please don’t be upset, ‘kay?”, Luhan smiled and Jongdae just nodded.

 

“Since this is sort of out now, I would suggest that he should go to school gentlemen. I don’t want to get into any troubles on the first school day”, Joonmyun commented, making his friends groan in unison. But they didn’t fight back and followed him laggily.

 

 

On their way to school they also began to talk about their vacations, making each other laugh with their different stories. And Luhan talked non-stop about his sexual escalations with Sehun. Making it seem like they would have done nothing else their entire holidays.

 

 

After they had been walking for nearly twenty minutes, they finally arrived at their school and met the rest of their clique.

 

“Hey, what’s up?”, Kyungsoo greeted them with their special handshake. Sehun did the same, but also brought Luhan into a hug, kissing him firmly. Making Kyungsoo roll his eyes at their behaviour.

 

“Ewk, guys not here. It’s not the suitable place for those kinda things. To add that you don’t look cute on top of that, when you kiss each other”, he smirked, knowing he would piss Luhan off, who just showed him his middle finger, before he broke the kiss with Sehun off.

 

“Oh yeah? And you fucking think you look sexy, when you two do it?”, Luhan spit back.

 

 

“Of course! My Nini looks a thousand times cuter than you two. We can show it to you!”, Kyungsoo smirked as he prepared himself to kiss Jongin. But the younger boy just shied away and hit his boyfriend playfully with his book.

 

“N-not here, Soo! We a-are in front of school!”, he stuttered embarrassedly.

 

“Aw, but normally you gladly accept my kisses in certain places, don’t you babe?”, Kyungsoo teased. Making Jongin only blush harder as he walked off hastily, whereas Kyungsoo followed him, teasing him only more.

 

 

“As calculated. I knew that this was gonna happen. Why have I even hoped that this would change over our vacations?”, Joonmyun spoke up and the others just shrugged and walked off to the building. Again chattering about nonsense.

 

 

 

Except Jongdae.

 

 

 

He fell behind, captured in his thoughts as he looked at the building.

 

Not knowing, what he should expect.

 

 

 

 

He just prayed that he wasn’t going to get bullied this massively anymore as he entered his nightmare.


	2. 2. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TG!  
> And sorry, if there are some mistakes, I am going to correct them later. <3

“Yes fucker!”, Luhan exclaimed. “I’ve got almost all my classes with my two most beloved human beings!”, he smiled cheekily, as he slung one arm around his boyfriend and kissed him, before he smiled at Jongdae.

And the boy returned it relieved.

He was happy that he had so many classes together with his best friend. Otherwise he wouldn’t know, how he would be able to survive this year. Because even though it hadn’t even started, it was already scaring the hell out of him.

“Nice for you two. I’ve got almost nobody of you in my crappy classes. Except in Korean, PE, Chinese and music”, Jongin huffed, but Luhan only rolled his eyes at that.

 

 

“Not my problem you baby”, he said and the others laughed as Kyungsoo gave Luhan a murderous glare. “Better than being with you in one class you asshole”, he countered as he hugged his boyfriend. But Luhan only sticked his tongue out childishly.

“’kay. We have to got to maths now. See ya later!”, Luhan grumbled as he dragged Sehun along with him. Leaving Jongin, Kyungsoo, Jongdae and Yixing behind.

“What classes do you have now?”, the second smallest, Jongdae, in the group asked.

“Second worst subject after maths you could have on an early Monday morning. Physics. I want to throw up”, Jongin cursed.

“Well, I have history now. You?”, Kyungsoo stated as he caressed his boyfriend’s back, who began to pout cutely at the gesture.

Jongdae and Yixing then glanced at their timetables, before they answered, “Same”, in unison.

 

 

“I hate school”, Jongin whined, before he left them without any further comment, which made Jongdae chuckle. “Yep, same whiny baby as always. He hasn’t changed at all”, Yixing admitted, smiling slightly.

But his expression turned into a serious and also kind of worried as he looked over to Jongdae.

“But I can also say the same about you”, he mumbled and it made Jongdae’s heart clench, when he heard that. The younger knew, what the older meant and it hurt him to see this kind of expression on the other’s face. It made this guilty feeling creep up his spine, because he was the reason for this expression and he hated it. He didn’t want to see his friends like that. Especially when they looked like that because of him.

But he couldn’t change it now. So he decided to ignore it, although it was really hard.

 

“Yeah....Still. I-I can’t do it. I tried. Really. I’m sorr-”

“Don’t apologise, Jongdae. I understand”, Yixing said softly.

“I won’t....we won’t force you into anything. We just think that it is sad that we still cannot see your face properly, because in our opinion you are everything. But you are definitely not fat and ugly. But, like I said, we won’t force you, when you are uncomfortable with it. It is your decision and we will respect it and support you. Because you are important to us. Don’t forget that”, Yixing smiled fondly as he rubbed Jongdae’s back.

The smaller just nodded, mumbling an airy, “Thanks”, before they made their way towards their classroom.

 

 

He felt alleviated. He didn’t like this topic. In general he couldn’t stand talking about his outer appearance. It made him feel uneasy and also kind of lost….or rather desperate and disgusted. Talking about it made his body tremble and his heart beating a hundred times faster. Triggering his horrible memories of his past that were hunting to this day.

Making him realise how weak and helpless he really was. How unworthy, which made his desire to disappear just bigger….his desire of wanting to let go. Leaving everything behind already.

And he knew that his friends just wanted to help him, but this topic always made him shiver with fear.

 

 

When it came to it, he wasn’t able to suppress his emotions and memories and his desire of hiding himself in a dark corner grew as the voices came to his mind. The voices that made him want to shut his ears to lock them out of his head. But it had no use as they screamed those words over and over again.

_“Ugly! Ugly!”_

_“Fat!”_

_“Just disappear you piece of shit!”_

_“Go die!”_

 

 

Those words were hunting him almost every day, everywhere. They were his worst nightmares. Always reminding him what he was and where he belonged to.

 

 

And exactly that was happening now.

 

 

His heart was aching, making it hard to breathe and vision blurry so that he had to take Yixing’s hand as support. He couldn’t see anything clear anymore. And the sunglasses just made it worse.

 

 

He began to see their faces. Every single one popping up inside his head. He could see their expressions and how they looked down at him. Their faces filled with disgust, hatred and evilness as they surrounded him. Each one insulting him with other words.

_“You filthy piece of shit!”_

_“Get out of here! You don’t belong here! You don’t belong to anywhere!”_

_“Nobody wants you!”_

_“Even your true parents didn’t want you!”_

 

 _ **“I know”**_ , he thought.

 

_“You are so ugly! Who would even dare to love you? Huh? NOBODY!”_

 

_**I know...** _

 

_“Die! It would be better for everybody!"_

 

_**I know....** _

 

_“You’re worth nothing!”_

 

_**I know....** _

 

 

And it kept going like that until they reached their classroom. Tears were running down his face, but nobody saw it due his mask and sunglasses for which Jongdae was really thankful for.

When they finally entered their classroom, everybody was staring at him. Only worsening his condition.

No wonder that hey were staring at him.... Everybody would stare at somebody as ugly as him. And although he was used to it, he still felt that knife-sharp pain in his heart. He could already see their hatred in their eyes as he sat down. Right next to Yixing and Kyungsoo, who still hadn’t noticed anything.

 

 

But Jongdae did as he looked around. He could see his classmates’ disgusted faces, whispering and glancing over to him.

 

 

But he knew that he could survive this.....somehow.

Then the bell rang.

 

 

-

 

 

The cafeteria was loud and filled with students chatting and blabbering excitedly about all kinds of stuff. Yet, the majority was talking about their holidays and school, Jongdae concluded from catching a few scraps of their conversations.

He looked around the delighted, cream-coloured room once more. It was comfy. On the left and right side were some dark brown couches and in the middle some white tables. Behind him was the black-coloured counter, which was followed by some huge glass doors to the outer campus on the right side. In front of him were some bookshelves and behind them was the entrance to the cafeteria. So all in all it was a really nice atmosphere.

 

 

And again he looked around one more time, before his gaze wandered down to his plate. Filled with food that he was supposed to eat.

But he couldn’t.

The simple thought made his stomach twist in nausea, because he already pictured in his head, how his body would look after that.

To crown it all, also that sneaky little voice in his head returned.

 

 

 _“Yeah, go ahead. Eat. If you want to get even fatter and have no problem with that. It is not going to be my problem. It is going to be yours. You’re going to sicken people around you even more. If you would have had a little bit of....let’s say Joonmyun’s physique, you could eat that. Look at him”_ , the voice commanded and Jongdae obliged. Looking at his best friend, who was sitting diagonally across from him. Chitchatting happily with Yixing and Kyungsoo, as he was chewing on his meal.

_“He is perfect. If you would have at at least one-tenth of his frame you could eat, whatever you would want to eat. But you worthless thing have so much lard that even a blind man can see, how fat you are through your oversized shirt. So don’t even think of eat-”_

“Jongdae? Is everything alright?”, a voice in front of him asked, making the boy flinch. He looked up to see, who it was. Only to be greeted with Luhan’s concerned face.

So he immediately nodded and shrugged it off with a simple, “Yeah. I think that I have just lost my appetite.”

 

 

But he shouldn’t have said that, because his best friend’s expression turned into a dark and warning one. His face hardening as the older’s eyes lost their normal bright shimmer, which made Jongdae gulp.

Because Luhan gave him _this_ certain look, where he knew that the boy had lost his joking character and turned completely serious.

 

 

“Eat”, he said in a harsh, but low voice so that only Jongdae was able to hear it.

“Eat or I am going to force feed you. Your decision.”, he added, making the younger shudder at the hard tone in the older’s voice. But he could also hear something else. Although it was almost not noticeable.

 

Worry.

 

Luhan was worried.

And combined with this side of Luhan nobody should joke around with him anymore.

Jongdae knew that better than anybody else.

Because in this state Luhan would do everything he threatened to do to you.

_Really everything._

 

 

So Jongdae just nodded, took his chopsticks and took the noodles with them.

Everything observed by Luhan’s eagle eyes.

 

 

And as he was about to swallow the portion in his mouth, the voice returned.

_“Does it taste good? The taste of calories, which are going to uglify you even more? You scrap! You know that and you keep eating nonetheless only because Luhan said it. Are you really that weak you stupid kid?”_

Jongdae closed his eyes, momentarily forgetting everything as he swallowed. And then he took another portion and another, before he opened his eyes again. Noticing that the older boy’s eyes were still glued onto him, but with a much softer expression.

So he took more noodles and stuffed them into his mouth under his mask, until Luhan seemed to be satisfied.

 

 

 _“You are going to get fat, fat, fat, faaaat!”_ , the voice in his head plopped up again.

_“But, well, knock yourself out. Give up and let your animal instincts control you and be a fucking pig. Oh, I forgot. You are already a pig. My bad! You’ll only get even more ugly. But, well, keep doing it. It is your unworthy life.”_

 

 

And Jongdae continued to eat, although his throat burned, his stomach hurt and the voice inside his head kept insulting him....

He felt so powerless....fragile and so rotten with the food in his stomach.

He wanted to throw it up, before the people would stare even more at him and see that he had eaten something. It made him grow desperate.

He tried to suppress his feelings and was successful for some minutes. But soon he couldn’t take it anymore and excused himself from the table. Thinking that nobody would see through his intentions. But somebody certainly and followed him.

 

 

Jongdae felt dizzy. Everything was rotating in his head as he stumbled over to the restrooms. The boy yanked one of the bathroom doors open and closed it behind him in a hurry, before he fell onto his knees. His stomach tensing continuously as the sour taste already built in his throat.

Before it could get any worse, he removed his mask and rammed his middle finger into his mouth. And in no time he threw up his food. His body shook violently from the procedure, making him groan in pain. His throat became sore and tears built in his eyes. And when the last bits of his meal came out of his mouth, he whimpered silently.

Feeling disgusted from himself, because this wasn’t normal. He wasn’t normal. He was a lowlife with whom nobody wanted to have any business with.

He wasn’t worth it.

 

 

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he flushed the toilet and cleared his mouth.

“Why do I have to be this weak?”, he breathed as he whimpered again.

 

 

The boy then fixed his clothes and tried to stand up. But his legs were too shaky, so he had to support himself on the walls beside him was he opened the door with trembling fingers. He stepped out of the cabin, stumbling forward to the sings to prevent himself from falling onto the floor.

He then washed his mouth with water to get rid of the nasty taste in it. It worked pretty well, but some water that ran down his throat made it burn so badly that he grunted in pain. It had never been this painful. So he spit it out and dried his mouth to not make it any worse.

Jongdae felt how the tears on his face dried slowly, but also how new ones built up as he put on the mask again.

 

 

As he the smaller turned around, ready to go, he froze right in his spot. Not expecting to see, what he saw.

Luhan.

Standing there right in front of him. Leaning against the wall, arms crossed and on his face a stern look combined with a heart-splitting smile. Looking like he wanted to say something. But he didn’t make any move to do so.

The taller just stood there, staring with _that_ look at him.

 

 

Jongdae felt lost. He didn’t know, what to do. What he was supposed to do, to say or if he should say something at all. He was glued to his spot. His mind trying to get a clear thought out of everything that was swirling around in his head.

 

 

Somehow, after what felt like hours to him, he succeeded to stutter something out.

“L-Luhan. H-How are y-you h-h-here? W-Were you s-standing there t-the whole time?”, he managed to get out.

And the older just nodded in approval, which made the lump in Jongdae’s throat grow. Balling his hands into fists as he exhaled shakily.

He didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want Luhan nor somebody else to hear him, let alone see him, when he did this shameful thing.

“S-So y-y-you heard, w-what I have d-done?”, he asked to make sure, although he kind of already knew the answer.

 

 

“Yes, I’ve heard it”, Luhan said in a stern voice. His face turning into an unreadable expression.

 

 

Jongdae inhaled sharply at the boy’s answer. He had never wanted to get caught in such a humiliating situation. And he especially didn’t want Luhan to catch him in such a situation. Again.

It had happened other times before and every time Luhan got overly worried and protective over him. The boy wouldn’t let his eyes off the younger and would make sure that he ate and wouldn’t throw up right afterwards.

The older would even skip sleep sometimes to make sure that Jongdae was okay and would even scold the younger a few times, because he was so concerned about him.

There were also some very rare times, were Luhan had yelled at him, because he got too worried. But apologizes almost instantly everytime that happened. Making sure that Jongdae wouldn’t take his words the wrong way.

 

 

And Jongdae didn’t. He understood and had never taken Luhan’s words the wrong way. But he blamed himself every time. He felt so bad for making his best friend feel this way, act this way. Luhan shouldn’t be so concerned about him. It would only hurt him emotionally and physically.

Jongdae didn’t want that to happen. He wasn’t worth to get such an amount of attention from Luhan, nor had he the right to make the older boy feel this way, only because he was too weak to deal with his problems on his own. Only because he was too weak to fight against his internal instincts. Against the voice inside his head and to make his useless life at least anything worth.

He wasn’t able to do that.

No wonder that he was this meaningless and unwanted.

So he also didn’t want others to bother themselves with that meaningless stuff. It only made his heart ache to see his friends in this state.

He hated it.

Just the mere thought made him hate and blame himself for it even more.

 

 

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he made himself ready to apologize to the boy to not make him worry any further. Tears swelling up in his eyes.

“L-Look, I-I am sorry. I didn’t w-want t-to do that, s-s- please don’t be m-mad at me. I-I don-”

 

 

He tried to say, but was interrupted by feeling something warm around him. He opened his teary eyes and saw that Luhan was hugging him tightly, which utterly confused Jongdae.

But he felt how a warm feeling enveloped his heart. A feeling of being protected and safe, which only made him cry harder. He tried to squirm out of Luhan’s grip, not being used to that strange feeling in his heart.

But Luhan wouldn’t let him. The taller only tightened his hold around Jongdae, still not saying anything.

 

 

“L-Luhan?”, Jongdae hiccuped. “P-Please, I-I -”

“Shh, it’s okay. I am here. I don’t blame you. It’s okay. Don’t worry. Everything is alright”, he cooed, rubbing Jongdae’s back in a soothing motion as his right hand stroked Jongdae’s hair gently. “I am not mad, don’t worry.”

 

 

This was the last straw for Jongdae and he burst out in painful cries. He was sobbing hard as he leaned his head into Luhan’s neck, his shaky fingers clutching at his friend’s sweater. Desperately needing something to hold on as his cries only got louder and more heartbreaking. He was a wreck and his self-hatred and the disgust towards himself only made it worse. And although Luhan was there, supporting him, whispering little “Shh”s and “It’s okay”s, he still couldn’t feel at ease.

He knew that Luhan was upset and hurt, although he wasn’t showing it now. But deep in his heart Jongdae knew that, felt that, and blamed himself for it.

If he would at least have had a bit of strength, a bit of worth, he wouldn’t need Luhan to worry about him. Because everytime his friends helped him, they became lifeless after a certain amount of time. Sometimes even like a whole another person.

Jongdae had seen that.

He had seen how his friends had changed and he didn’t want it to happen ever again.

 

 

Especially not to Luhan.

So he tried to improve.

But failed every single time.

Every single time he was being reminded of his worthlessness, his mistakes, his ugly outer appearance and that it would be better, if he would just disappear...

This way he wouldn’t bother and worry the people he loved. They could live freely without having to be concerned about him.

It must be tiring for all of them…

 

 

Maybe he should really just disappear...

 

 

Thoughts like those were floating chaotically around in his head as he little by little calmed down.

 

 

They stayed there for about ten more minutes until Jongdae’s sobs finally died down. And when Luhan felt Jongdae loosening his grip around his torso, he thought that he could let the boy go. So he let go if him in a slow pace, but stopped at the boy’s shoulders.

Making the smaller look up.

The tears on his cheeks were still drying, his hair was messy and his breath still was a bit shaky.

 

 

Luhan had seen him in this state very often already, which made his heart ache. It was hard, almost unbearable to see his friend this wrecked.

He wanted to help Jongdae. He wanted him to come out of his shell.

But Jongdae wouldn’t want that, always brushing it off as a “waste of time” or that he was “unworthy” of anyone’s help. It made him boil inside.

He couldn’t understand, why Jongdae still thought like this about himself, when so many people already showed him otherwise.

He couldn’t understand it.

It made him desperate sometimes.

He wanted to take his best friend out of that hole, but he didn’t know how.

Like now.

 

All he could do was just being there for the boy and only always remind him that he mattered. That he was useful and worthy of everything in this world.

And he would tell him everytime, although he sometimes didn’t know, how to form the right sentences.

But he would fine a solution.

 

 

So he tried to take off Jongdae’s sunglasses, even though the boy fought back. But eventually gave up, when he saw Luhan’s serious look.

The older removed his sunglasses and mas met by wet, red and beautiful dark brown eyes.

This was a rare occasion.

To be able to see Jongdae’s face properly.

Only a hand full of people had had the privilege and permission to see his face. And this people were his parents, Joonmyun and him.

He was very well aware that this was one of Jongdae’s weakest points, so he had to be careful with what he would say now. Because he didn’t want to risk this privilege.

Because this was Jongdae’s way to show somebody that he trusted this somebody blindly and he didn’t want to lose this.

So he licked his lips nervously, before he spoke up.

 

 

“Look, Jongdae. I am not mad at you. Don’t worry. I am just a surprised and worried that you’ll hurt yourself. But I don’t blame you nor am I angry, okay? I just want the best for you. So if something like this happens again, please tell me. I swear that I will not freak out like the last time I saw you doing this, okay? We will find a solution, so don’t be ashamed. Alright? We’ll do it. Because you are my best friend and very precious to me. So don’t hide it from me again. Promise?”

He held out his pinky finger staring intensely, but warmly, into Jongdae’s eyes.

Waiting for his reaction.

 

 

Jongdae, on the other hand, didn’t know, what to do. He had already left enough damage on the ones that he loved.

So, should he really promise Luhan? Would he stand it to tell the older this humiliating he did on a weekly basis?

Would he be strong enough?

 

 

 _“No, you wouldn’t, you useless thing”_ , the voice in his head appeared again.

_“You don’t have the power to even hide it properly and now you are supposed to tell him whenever you do it? Are you nuts? Do you really think he would still want to be friends with you, if he would know, how often you do it? Do you really think that Luhan wouldn’t be disgusted? He would be! He wouldn’t be your best friend anymore and why? Because you are too weak to deal with it yourself. Do you really think he would hang out with such a wimp? Do you?"_

 

_**No....** _

 

_“See? But you are stuck now you shameful person. Only because of your reckless behaviour. And it doesn’t matter, if you promise it to him ore not, you are going to hurt him again and won’t tell him the truth, you liar! Why do you even try? Leave i-”_

 

“Jongdae?”

 

 

The younger was taken aback by hearing his name and was faced with a gentle smiling Luhan.

“So, promise?”, he asked again, stretching out his pinky finger.

Jongdae looked at it, before he turned his gaze towards the taller male again.

He made his decision....although he knew that it would only make it worse. But it didn’t matter, which option he would chose, the result would be going to be the same anyway.

 

So the younger returned the smile faintly.

Mumbling an, “I promise.”

 

_**“Not. I am sorry Luhan....I cannot do this to you...”** _

 

 

And Luhan smiled brightly at him, which made the stabbing sensation in his heart only more painful.

 

 

Then the bell rang, showing that the classes were about to start. Hearing this Luhan gave him his sunglasses back hastily and dragged the boy along with him as Jongdae tried to rearrange his cover-ups again.


	3. 3. Chapter

“Jongdae!”, a little girl screamed as she jumped into his arms, smiling happily at him. The boy chuckled at her behaviour as he carried her back into the great hall.

“Hey Mihi. How are you?”, he asked, when they reached the room, where the other kids were playing.

“I am fine! But I missed you soooo much”, she said in a whiny voice.

Making Jongdae laugh.

“Oh, you missed me? So, are you happy to see me again?”, he asked, while he was removing some bangs fro her face. “Yes!”, she nodded frantically, making her hair even messier than it has already been before.

 

 

Jongdae snickered at that and pinched Mihi’s nose, which made her giggle even louder as she playfully squirmed around in his hold. “Hyperactive as ever, right?”, he laughed melodious, stroking her cheek as he removed her hair from her face again, which made her smile cutely at the action.

He returned the smile, pinching her chubby cheeks, before he set her down.

“Come on. Play with the other kids. I have to talk with Yifan”, He ordered softly and Mihi just nodded, running over happily to he friends.

The boy smiled contently at the girl’s sweet behaviour, before he went to the office to set his things down so that he could start his working shift punctually.

 

 

When he entered the staff room, he was met with Yifan, his boss, and Minseok, one of his colleagues.

“Hello”, he greeted them.

“Oh, good afternoon, Jongdae. Are you- WOW!”, Yifan stopped talking as he looked up to Jongdae. Mesmerized by what he was seeing. He nudged Minseok, who also turned his gaze towards Jongdae. His round eyes growing wide as he ogled the boy.

 

 

The younger felt their gazes lingering on him and he began to feel uncomfortable. Why were they staring at him like that? Did he look uglier than usually? Had he gained some weight? Did he have something weird on his face? Could they see something, although he was wearing his mask? What the hell made the two males staring at him like dead fishes?

He felt his heart clench and his stomach twist in a very unpleasant way as the urge to cover himself, to make them both stop staring so weirdly at him like that, grew.

Were they shocked? Or maybe even disgusted? Why did they have to stare at him like that? He felt like he was about to explode from the frustration and shame inside him. He knew that he was ugly and fat....but people could at least stop staring at him with those shocked and unreadable faces. They didn’t have to show him over and over again, what he already knew....

 

 

But he couldn’t be so weak right now.

So he breathed in deeply to calm himself and his shaking body as he pressed a muffled question through the mask. “W-What?....Do I-I have something weird on m-y face?”

But as soon as he had asked the question both males shook their head simultaneously. Their gazes still piercing him.

“No....”, Yifan answered. “It is just....since when do you wear normal glasses? Normally you only wear sunglasses or caps, so I just got surprised. And not because you look ugly with them or something like that”, he trailed off, standing up as he walked over to Jongdae to take a closer look, which startled the younger a bit.

Yifan stared directly into Jongdae’s eyes, eyeing his whole face, which made the younger almost tear up. He felt so darn uncomfortable. And the fact that his boss was about thirty centimetres taller than him didn’t help in this situation at all.

 

 

The older licked his lips again, before he continued.

“I actually think that they really suit you, but why the sudden change?”, he questioned, taking Jongdae out of his daze. Now he understood, why his boss was looking that puzzled at him.

But before he answered him, he took a step back t get himself some space again. He didn’t like it, when people got this close to him.

“So?”, Yifan demanded, making Jongdae scratch his neck nervously.

“Well. Actually, I was wearing my sunglasses today. B-But one of my teachers in school didn’t like that and so I was sent to the headmaster. He told me that I could wear normal glasses, but forbid me to wear the sunglasses, because it is forbidden to cover his whole face in school. So he took them and told me that, if he would see me with sunglasses again that I could get into trouble. And….well since I am short-sighted I had to take my normal glasses, although I don’t like them. But I also don’t want to get into trouble and so….this happened to be the solution”, he explained nervously.

“But, if you don’t like them, I could w-wear my other pai-”

“No! Oh my god, no! Why would you? You look adorable with them! Really. Stop being so self-conscious about yourself!”, Minseok cut him off as he stood up from his chair. “They look really good on you, Jongdae”, he added, making Jongdae feel flustered.

“R-Really?”, he looked insecurely at the male.

“Of course! You should really wear them more often!”, Minseok complimented him, patting the boy’s shoulders.

“W-Well...thank you.”

“You’re welcome”, the older smiled warmly at him.

 

 

“That all really fluffy and nice now guys, but be got some work to do. We gotta take care of this bunch of cute little kids outside”, Yifan said and the boys hummed in agreement.

“I’ll just leave my things in the wardrobe and will come right after you”, Jongdae said, before he hushed into the adjoining room on his left side. When he entered the room, he sunk down onto the ground, his body still shaking.

“D-Did that really happen? Have they actually called me ‘adorable’?”, he whispered to himself in disbelief. Feeling how a warm sensation spread across his chest as thought of the compliments. It was a comfortable feeling....it made him relax.

But it didn’t last for a long time.

 

 

 _“You really think that you worthless thing? Haven’t you seen their shocked faces? They don’t think that you are cute or charming! They just didn’t want to hurt you even more and so they lied to you. I mean like, do you really believe Yifan? The guy, who isn’t even a spark bisexual, has a wife and two kids? Really?”_ , the voice in his head scoffed.

_“They just pity you! Or have you ever heard somebody calling you ‘cute’, when you wore those shitty glasses? Huh?”_

 

 _ **No....**_ never. Everytime people saw him with them they had insulted him, laughed at him and pushed him around until he had bruises.

 

_“See? So don’t think they really mean it. They just don’t have the heart to tell you wimp something like that, because they are such nice people!”_

 

 _ **Yeah....**_ that’s what he was....worthless...ugly....

 

_“Yeah! Just be happy that they don’t harass somebody as ugly as you! Don’t start to have hope! You know, what has happened the last time you did, right?”_

 

 

Jongdae’s breath hitched as tears built in his eyes....

How could he ever forget that?... He still had nightmares about it....

The memories hunted him during the day….always reminding him, where his place was.

Where he belonged to….or otherwise they would remind him again....

They would come back and remind him and then he would have to do.....do....do _that_ thing again.

 

 

He sobbed slightly, his breath heavy and uneven as his body shook violently....

 

 

_“See? So stop hoping and give up! Nobody would want such a thing like you anyway! Understood?”_

 

_**Yeah....** _

 

 _“So stop crying now and do your job properly. At least something that you can do quite good, which is a miracle”_ , the voice said, before it disappeared again.

 

 

The warmth in his chest was gone by now. Replaced with sadness, fear and pain. Such an unbearable pain. But he swallowed it. Clapping his hands against his cheeks as he dried his tears. He didn’t want to show his weakness. Not at his working place.

Because he loved it here. He loved his work in the kinder-garden. It gave him some kind of comfort for which he was very grateful. It was the only place, where he could feel at least a bit at ease.

 

 

When he calmed down, he walked into the big hall. It was a very bright room with many different colours. The walls were painted in rainbow colours, on them hanging the Korean alphabet letters along with pictures of the children and different drawings.

It made his heart tingle as he looked at them, before he averted his gaze to the right side of his room, where the children could play with different toys, read books or go outside onto the green playground. Then on the left side was the kitchen along with little beige dining tables, which Jongdae found utterly cute.

He loved this place and was glad that he was allowed to work here.

 

 

But suddenly he was distracted by a loud noise and turned his head towards it. Only to see Yifan and Minseok playing tag with the children, who ran away from with little steps. Yelling cutely, when they got caught or laughed delightedly, when they caught Yifan or Minseok.

Jongdae chuckled at the scene and joined them.

He went onto all four and began to chase them, like he would be a monster.

“Raww! Run or I will catch you!”, he roared as the kids ran away.

“Nooo! You won’t, Jongdae-oppa!”, Mihi and Chaemin screamed high-pitched. “We’ll see that!”, Jongdae laughed and stood up to chase them in a slow pace with his hands stretched out.

It went on like that for minutes. The kids running, laughing, shouting and the tutors roaring playfully as they chased each other.

Everybody had their fun. But soon they grew tired and wanted to do something else.

 

 

Also the males were kind of exhausted. The kids robbing them a lot of energy due their hyperactive behaviour. But they didn’t complain. They all loved it and took their job very serious, but with much affection.

 

 

“I want Jongdae-oppa to piggy-pack me!”, Mihi screamed, stretching her tiny hands out in the air, which made Jongdae laugh.

“Really? So, what do we say?”

“Pleaaaaaaase!”, she answered with a whiny tone, which made Jongdae smile brightly under his mask, before he patter her hair, went down and let her climb up his back. But before he could get up the other kids were running over to him and also tried to climb up his back.

“Me too, oppa!”

“Me too, hyung!”

“Hyuuung! I want, too!”, the other kids were whining as they tried to scramble his back up, fighting playfully over their places.

“Kids, calm down! If you keep on climbing up my back I am going to-”

 

 

THUD!

 

 

Before Jongdae could even finish his sentence he crashed onto the floor, because he couldn’t take all the kids weight. And all the children began to laugh and even more scrambled up, making themselves extra-heavy.

“Kids, I-I can’t breathe”, he laughed airily, looking over to Minseok and Yifan, who were watching the scene in amusement.

“Guys, could you please help me?”, he asked, almost out of breath.

“I don’t know. Minseok, I think he seems to be pretty well, doesn’t he?”, Yifan replied chuckling to tease Jongdae a bit. But in the end they decided to help him.

 

 

“Kids, come on! Leave the poor boy already. He cannot even breathe”, Yifan pleaded as he laughed. But the children just shook their heads, not wanting to get off Jongdae.

“We’ll do something even better, I promise. Aaand, if you listen to me, you’ll get an award. Maybe a story, or sweets”, Yifan tried once more and soon almost all kids stormed over to them with excitement in their eyes.

“Well, then I suggest that I’ll read you a story now and after that each one of you hast to say something about that story and if it right, you can have a piece of chocolate, alright?”, the man explained and the kids nodded their head eagerly, making him snicker.

“What story do you want to hear?”

“The Lion King!”, the kids shouted in unison.

“Then sit down, while I take the book.”

 

 

And the kids complied, waiting impatiently for Yifan to come back and to read the story.

Jongdae, who in the meantime succeeded to push himself up, was almost completely forgotten by then, but he didn’t really mind.

He just settled next to them on the ground. Mihi immediately followed him and settled down between his legs and placed her head onto his chest. Cuddling herself up into a small ball, which Jongdae found utterly cute. But she was the only one, who was allowed to do this, since she had always been so clingy from his first working day.

She had somehow succeeded to touch his heart with he cheerful, crazy, caring and sweet personality. It was like she could see right through him, see how he really felt. And although she was a little kid, she knew how to comfort people in he own way. She was also very smart for he age (4) and although she didn’t understand Jongdae actions sometimes, she never failed to make him happy or to comfort him.

To lighten his world up at least a bit.

 

 

Maybe that was the reason, why he felt so good and overprotective about her. She was something similar to a little sister to him, who he had to protect. To take care of. He felt responsible for her and he wanted to do a good job, because this way he could give her something back.

Although she had told him that just he was enough and that he didn’t have to do anything in return.

And so somehow a special bond grew between them. And that was why he felt the most comfortable around her, which also animated the kids to try the same thing from time to time. And that had made him their favourite tutor, which sometimes could be really stressful.

But he didn’t mind. He loved the kids, e loved to play with them, to see them grow and develop. It was amazing.

It brought him a little bit of happiness and he could forget his pain and self-hatred for at least some hours a week.

 

 

He absent-mindedly looked down at Mihi. Smiling, when he saw her curled up figure as she snored slightly, which made him caress he black soft hair.

 

 

“SCAR!”, he suddenly heard somebody shouting and flinched.

Taken aback to reality, he exhaled, when he remembered where he was again. Yifan was still reading the story to the kids and so he started listening to the story too, although he had already seen the movie like a thousand times and knew the whole story by heart.

 

 

But he liked listening to Yifan. He was a good reader, because of the way he expressed the different character’s emotions. Also the way he changed his voice from sad to happy to girly to manly was really good and made Jongdae laugh.

 

 

It went on like that for two more hours. Yifan reading, kids responding, commenting, asking questions and listening patiently to the story. It was calming and peaceful. A feeling of home and protection filling the room, making it seem even warmer and lighter than it really actually was.

 

 

-

 

 

When it was almost 19.00 PM, Jongdae said good bye to the kids and his co-workers. Giving them a handshake and the other kids big hugs.

When he was about to leave, something grabbed his hand, which made him look down. Only to see Mihi yawn as she rubbed her eyes cutely.

“Are you leaving, oppa?”, she mumbled, hugging his legs tightly, which mage him snicker as he bend down to hug her properly.

“Yes, my sweetheart. I have to. I have a looot of work to do. Take care of yourself and your brother and behave good, okay?”, he commented, stroking he cheeks gently.

“Yes, I will Jongdae-oppa. But I have one question.”

“Yes?”

“Are you ever going to take off your mask again? I think you are even more handsome without the mask”, she stated and his heart felt like it was being shot and his eyes turned sad.

“I don’t know, my dear. But I don’t think so. We’ll see, okay?”, he tried to sound cheerful, but failed as his voice wavered uncontrollably. Yet, she somehow seemed to buy it and just nodded as she smiled brightly and hugged him again with her little arms, before she ran over to he other kids.

He looked after her, before he stood up and left the building. Tears filling his eyes as he walked home.

 

 

-

 

 

“Mom, Dad! I am home!”, he shouted as he closed the door. But nobody answered.

“Mom?....Dad? Is somebody home?”, he asked again as he turned the lights on. But again nobody answered him. So he assumed that they were still working and walked into the living room. Plopping down onto the couch.

That’s when a sheet and a little box caught his attention.

He turned over the glass table and took the sheet into his hands.

 

 

“Sweetie,

Your father and I were called for an emergency meeting in Busan. We had to leave, but we’ll be back in some days. So don’t worry about us. I’ve cooked something for you. It is in the fridge, so you only have to warm it up in the microwave. Also your new mobile phone has arrived today. Our numbers and some Apps are already saved and installed. So, if you need anything just call us.

We love you sunshine,

-Mom and Dad”,

 

he read.

 

 

It wasn’t a rare occasion that they weren’t home, when he arrived. They were busy people, working as designers and co-assistants for SANMA.

When he was younger, his parents had a lot of stress, but they had somehow managed to raise him and take good care for him, although they didn’t have a lot of time. They treated him with love and much affection and they still did. Coming home as early as they could and trying to spend time with him as often as they it was possible.

 

But it got rarer that they had time together as a family, because they had a lot of work to do lately. Also during their vacations they had a lot of matters to deal with.

It made Jongdae worry about his parents, because even though they had so much to do, his mother still cooked food for him and tried to be there for him.

He appreciated that, really. But it was, in his opinion, just much more stress for her....and also kind of wasted time. Jongdae didn’t want to be such a burden for them. They shouldn’t overwork themselves and waste their time for somebody like him.

He wasn’t worth it....He didn’t deserve it. Such affection from such nice people. Because he could never return something, which made him feel guilty and useless.

 

 

 _“Why can’t I return something back?”_ , he thought unconsciously as he laid the sheet down and took the box. He opened it was met with one of the latest models of SANMA. The SANMA- S7.

His eyes widened and he became goosebumps.

He didn’t want something that expensive....

He couldn’t accept that....

How should he repay or thank them?

 

 

Jongdae began to feel guilty.

He wanted to call his parents immediately and tell them that he didn’t want the phone. So he switched it on and was about to dial his mother’s number, when he suddenly received two messages.

From: SANMA and Mom

He clicked on it.

The one from SANMA didn’t interest him, so he read the one from his mother.

 

 

“Sweetie,

Before you complain, as you ALWAYS do it and say that you don’t want the phone. It was sponsored by SANMA itself, since we work there. So we hadn’t to pay anything for the device, when it is that you worry about. So just accept the phone. No back talk!! Or I’ll really get angry. Just take it sweetie, okay?

We love you,

Mom.”

 

 

He read, letting out a huff. Could his mother read his thoughts? Or was he just too easy to see through?

That thought made him shudder.

No....

They shouldn’t see him like that. Never. He didn’t ant to worry them even more. So he decided heavy-heartedly to accept the phone.

 

 

He began to download some messengers and type his friends’ numbers in.

When he finished it, he looked over to the clock.

20.00 PM.

 

 

He sighed, took his things and went upstairs to his room and changed into more comfortable clothes, before he also removed his mask.

Afterwards he did his homework as he listened to his favourite songs. Humming softly as he sang along with them.

This was one of the things he was rally proud of and that nobody could take away form him...

 

 

Singing.

 

 

This hobby had a long, very sad, but also happy story. It had helped him very often through tough times. He didn’t know, what he would have done, if he wouldn’t have had his passion for music...

 

 

He may wouldn’t be alive today, too....

 

 

In general he wouldn’t be living today, if he wouldn’t have had the people he had, along with many other things.

And he still asked himself, why he kept on fighting, when giving up would be so much easier.

Why did people still care about somebody as useless as him?

Why was he so important to them, when he had caused nothing but trouble with his shameful behaviour and his ugliness....

 

 

Why?

 

 

He couldn’t understand it.

It tortured him.

This feeling of being powerless and being a burden.

He didn’t want that, but the only think he could do, was to hide it.

Hide himself, his habits and his outer appearance.

But for how long would he be going to succeed?

 

 

He kept on asking himself those questions as got himself ready for bed, since it was almost 00.00 PM.

Jongdae prepared his things for school and went to bed without eating anything, although his stomach was growling like hell.

 

 

He just hoped that he would have a good sleep.

 

 

He hoped that he wouldn’t have one of those nightmares again.


	4. 4. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!: semi-graohic discription of violence, as well as heavy insults

_He was sweating. Panting. His body was drained and his muscles hurt._

_But he kept running. To somewhere. Anywhere…. Nowhere….._

_He was lost. Everything around him was dark and sinister._

_Suddenly he tripped._

_He fell down onto the hard stoned ground and cried out from the pain that ran through him._

_He tried to stand up, but couldn’t._

_His body was heavy and ached._

_His knees and hands were bleeding from the harsh crash onto the ground._

_Jongdae whimpered from the pain in his hands. The stabbing pain jolting through his body, making him twitch uncontrollably._

_It felt horrible, like somebody would ram little needles into his skin._

_And when he tried to move, he whined again._

_But suddenly he heard voices around him._

_They first were little whispers, but they slowly came nearer and became louder._

_A horrifying shudder ran through him._

_He was afraid._

_He wanted to run away and scream, but he couldn’t._

_He was glued to his spot as he could see figures walking towards him._

_“Ugly”, he heard somebody say and his body stiffened. Tears building in his eyes as he could now see their faces. Grinning scornfully down at him._

_“Fat!”, he heard somebody shout with an awful, monster-like voice._

_“N-No”, Jongdae whispered, his body shaking violently._

_He wanted to scream, but could only cry out little whimpers._

_He felt so weak....so helpless._

_“YES! You are! You filthy piece of shit!”, the somebody in front of him screamed._

_“Or why do you think that nobody wants you?”, another one behind him screamed, pulling his hair harshly. Making Jongdae choke out a whimper as he began to weep copiously._

_“Don’t you see it you dip shit? Nobody the fuck wants you! Who could even love you, when even your real parents didn’t? Huh?”, another one chuckled cruelly, yanking the boy’s hair back so hard that Jongdae’s face hit the floor. Making him shiver with fear and pain as he felt his glasses crack._

_And suddenly he felt something warm on his cheeks and temple. It was blood._

_It was aching beyond imagination, making him sob even louder as more tears escaped his eyes._

_The other’s around him just laughed, kicking his stomach with their feet. Jongdae screamed, curling himself up into a ball as he coughed consistently._

_But that didn’t help. The people around him just beat and kicked him even stronger, whereas he tried to protect himself. They bashed him with their feet and punched his ribs with their fists._

_Jongdae caught his breath, not being able to inhale any air._

_He pleaded for help, his whimpers and cries turning into pained scrams as somebody punched his stomach and had particularly hard._

_By then he understood that no help would come….that nobody would come to save him._

_When even he himself couldn’t protect himself._

_How unworthy must he really be, he thought, as his defense broke down and his willpower disappeared._

_He gave up._

_There was no point in resisting. Because they were right...._

_Who would want him? Who could even love him, when his own parents didn’t?_

_His cried died down and his body just shook loosely around from the punched he received._

_Ready to maybe die....again...._

_He opened his eyes again, only to be faced with dark and cruel red eyes staring down at him. Filled with disgust and satisfaction._

_“Do you now understand, where you belong to, you worthless fellow?”_

_“Yes....”, Jongdae managed to say._

_“Good....”, the boy smirked, gesturing his chums to give him something._

_Jongdae first wasn’t able to see, what it was._

_His head hurt and his mind was dizzy._

_His body twitching severely from the pain that ran through it, making him cry and whimper silently._

_Panting hard, because he couldn’t breathe properly._

_Everything just ached too much._

_Then he suddenly felt how something fell onto him and a sickening smell ascended into his nose, making him look up._

_The boy was holding an empty trash bag, the opening pointing down at him._

_“Remember everytime, every fucking day of your trashy life, where you belong to._

_Your place is here._

_With the trash on you, where should have died years ago. Because your parents didn’t want you. Such a useless, defenseless and disgusting maggot as you._

_Nobody would ever want you._

_Letting you die here would be the most human thing somebody could do to you._

_But I won’t let you._

_I am not this merciful.”_

_The boy leaned down onto Jongdae’s level._

_Gripping Jongdae’s hair harshly to make him look into his eyes._

_The smaller boy whimpered._

_He was horrified._

_He was so terribly afraid that he accidentally moved his body and cried out as a sharp pain ran through it, making more tears roll down his cheeks._

_He groaned breathy as he looked at the boy again._

_His face was stern, but his eyes were filled with hatred, disgust and cruelty._

_“I will tell you this. Now we’re letting you go, now that you know, where you belong to. But if you EVER allow yourself to be happy or that you even try to make yourself worth something, we’ll come back and first torture you and then kill the ones you love.”_

_Jongdae’s eyes widened, his heartbeat fastening._

_“N-No….p-please, no”, he pleaded._

_“First we’ll kill your friends and then your father-”_

_“NO….please, NO! I-I won’t forget! Please let them be! PLEASE!”, Jongdae cried._

_“And then we’ll kill your mother right in front of your eyes.”_

_“NOO!”_

 

 

He screamed as he panted hard.

“Nonononono....no”, he repeated over and over again as he shot up. Panting rapidly as he tried to figure out, where he was.

His heart was beating frantically and his body was shaking.

He tried to catch his breath, but it was so quick that he almost lost consciousness, which made his vision blurry.

He cried, not knowing, what to do.

 

 

Out of the blue he suddenly grabbed his phone with shaky hands, dialling Luhan’s number.

But before he pressed the green button, he stopped his actions.

Did he really want to tell Luhan? Did he really want to burden him more? With those nightmares?

 _Those_ memories?....

 

 

No. He didn’t want to worry the boy. He had already found out about his eating disorder.

Jongdae didn’t want him to get even more concerned.

So he deleted the dial and exhaled shakily, tears running down his cheeks. His chest aching due his uneven breathing, which he desperately tried to control.

But it didn’t work that well, so he just lied down again, his body still twitching severely.

 

 

He was sweating and the space around him seemed to be so unbelievably dark. So enormous, like it would devour Jongdae every second, which only made his fear grow. The pictures of the memory still running through his head, making him whimper.

 

 

Why?

Why was he so damn weak?

Why couldn’t he just do anything to make it better?

Why did he have to be so fucking useless? To be such a worthless wimp?

Why?….

Why did he have to be this way?

 

So disgusting….so low…., just so unworthy to live?….

 

 

He cursed himself, screaming harshly. Screaming his whole soul out, because he was so frustrated. He punched the bed, the pillows, the headboard, just everything around him.

“WHYYY?!!, he shouted grief-stricken, tears still running down his face as he inhaled sharply.

 

 

Jongdae choked brokenly, feeling how his heart shattered into thousand pieces.

He felt so cold inside….

He had for such a long time and now it burst out, the pain too overwhelming for him. He felt so alone and the darkness around him only worsened his situation, turning him into a sobbing wreck.

The boy shifted around in his current position so that he could lay down again.

His wailing getting quieter, but it didn’t die down completely.

 

 

Then one of his arms reached out to search something in the dark until he found it and he hugged it tightly. It was his favourite plushie, everytime there for him, when he couldn’t take the pain anymore and need something to hold on. Something to grab to not drift away.

And almost every single time it was his cat-plushie, named ‘Mina’, which gave him this kind of comfort. Since he had given up hope to ever find somebody to hold him. Somebody, who could give him this kind of security and comfort.

Jongdae grabbed the cat even tighter, like his life would depend on it and he exhaled deeply.

 

 

He tried to calm down, to sleep again. But everytime he did, their faces appeared right before his eyes and he could hear their voices shouting at him again.

 

 

It was one of those nights, where he knew, that he would be hunted by them and wouldn’t get a single minute of sleep.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae frantically tried to keep his eyes open and to pay attention on the class. But it had no use. He was too damn tired to even lift his head. So he slowly drifted off to dreamland until the bell startled him out of it only fifteen minutes later. Making him jump up in panic and Luhan and Jongin laugh at him as the teacher only quirked an eyebrow at him as he shook his head in disbelief.

Now the whole class laughed about his manner, thinking that it was cute.

 

 

But Jongdae himself just felt so embarrassed and stupid. The laughter of the class only worsening the situation for him, making him think that they were laughing at him for being this clumsy and annoying.

Just then he gathered all his things up and stormed out of the room, because he couldn’t take the nauseous feeling that built in his stomach.

He didn’t want to be laughed at again. Not this early in this school year.

 

 

When he arrived at the cafeteria he plopped down onto his seat, trying to catch his breath, because he hadn’t noticed that had actually ran all the way over to the cafeteria.

“Great”, he huffed. “Now I am definitely dammed for the rest of the school year and it hasn’t even started yet”, he mumbled breathy.

 

 

Jongdae closed his eyes and lied his head onto the table, because he felt a little giddy from his previous action. His head still was a bit sleepy and almost not working properly to catch up with his physical condition.

And he was still tired as fuck due his lack of sleep from the previous night.

 

 

When he felt his heartbeat steadying again he lifted his head and put it onto his arms. He could have slept right there, if there wouldn’t have been coming some noisy idiots to sit themselves right next to him.

His friends.

He felt somebody patting his back, which made him look up as he was met with a worried looking Joonmyun. “Are you okay, Jongdae?” You seem to be a bit stressed out”, he asked, his voice filled with concern.

Jongdae just nodded, answering a faint, “Yeah, just a little tired”, through his mask, before he returned to his earlier position. Hoping he could finally gain some sleep.

 

 

But to his dismay, he couldn’t, blame on Sehun, who punched the table with his hands harshly, making Jongdae shot up from the loud noise and he whined, when he saw Sehun’s expression. Because that meant that he could forget his holy sleep he so desperately needed.

But it had no use to complain now as Sehun immediately started to speak up. Sitting down right next to him.

“Guys! Guys! Oh my god! I have such interesting news! Oh my god, you won’t believe, what I found out in just one simple day!”, he babbled excitedly.

“This school has such sick and crazy rumours! You won’t believe it!”, he continued as the others groaned in unison.

 

 

This was typical Sehun. If you ever wanted to know something about a person, no matter, if it was something embarrassing from their past or just matter-off-facts, Sehun was the person you had to ask. He knew just simply EVERYTHING about an or that special person. Every single detail every rumour, every slip. It was almost creepy.

He was the Nr.1 gossip queen and you absolutely didn’t want him as your enemy, when you got into a fight with somebody he liked.

Because he would use every dirty method to turn you down until you would crawl over to him and apologize for hurting his friends. Hell! He would even make you lick his feet, if he wanted to.

In this state he could be really scary, because he wasn’t a person, who would back off from devious and corrupt methods. And he only used the knowledge he had about a person and he played mercilessly with it.

 

 

Jongdae had seen him in this state one time in middle school, when he got bullied by others again. Sehun had broken them and had harmed their pride so much that they even left school.

He had been so thankful to him and was even more thankful for being his friend and not his enemy since he had experienced _that_ side of him. It had spooked the hell out of him and he decided to NEVER pick up a fight with him, because everybody that would do that, would lose.

 

 

Then he felt something shaking him and he was taken aback. It was Sehun, only waiting for him to finally listen to him.

When the younger was sure that Jongdae was listening, he continued, because he wanted everybody to know, what he had found out.

 

 

“Well, look here”, he showed his phone and Jongdae felt his heart flutter, when he looked at the screen. On it was a very pretty and slim boy with blond hair that turned black at his hair line. He had a cute button nose, think pink lips and almond-shaped brown eyes.

He was absolutely gorgeous in Jongdae’s opinion and he felt his heartbeat quickening as a blush creeped over his face, when he kept looking at the picture.

“This is Byun Baekhyun. Literally called ‘The Male Queen’ of the school. His parents are the CEO’s in one of Seoul’s biggest companies for various brands. He also is in the Top-10-ranking of the school performance rankings. Girl _and_ even some boys are at his feet and he also has his own gang. So he can also be pretty brutal and beat people up to pulp, when they hurt his loved ones. And he also had to repeat a year, so he is in our year now. I think that he even is in Jongdae’s maths and music classes”, Sehun said and Jongdae got ripped out of his daze as he looked at the younger with huge questioning eyes.

 _That_ boy was in his class?

That couldn’t be....he would have noticed such a god-like looking boy.

 

 

Sehun seemed to notice his irritation, but decided to ignore it, because he was too excited to talk about this gossip.

“But that isn’t even the highlight”, he continued and the rest of the group now also gaped at him curiously as he switched to another picture on his phone.

“He was is the ex-boyfriend of this guy”, Sehun explained, showing them the picture, which showed another boy. He had sharper featured, plush lips, round eyes and elf-like ears, which looked kinda cute. He, on the contrary, had dark hair and was a lot taller than the other, very gorgeous, guy.

“Who’s that?”, Jongdae asked and Sehun smirked.

“This, my dearest friends, is Park Chanyeol. Ultimate crush of _every_ girl and even half of the boys in school and asshole number one.”

That caught Jongdae’s attention and he furrowed his eyebrows questioningly.

“What? Why?”, he asked, because the boy certainly didn’t look like one.

 

“Yes, you heard right. All of you. He’s the playboy number one at school. I’ve heard that he had slept with every girl and almost half of the boys in school, _while_ he was in a, let’s say very doubtful, relationship with Baekhyun and he somehow had managed to hide it for quite a long time. But he had messed with the wrong person and when Baekhyun found out, literally a war started between them. Even innocent people got hurt during their fights and they were almost suspended. And ever since then they both try to make each other’s life a living hell with sneaky tricks, like hurting the other’s beloved ones or to mess with them. It is really fucked up. Plus, Chanyeol is also the son of the owners of the SALGU company, so this is some really freakin’ gossip-worth topic.”

But as soon as the other’s heard that Luhan spit out his water and choked out a loud “WHAT?” at which Sehun just nodded.

“Yep, he somehow managed to hide it quite good, so only the people at school, who are interested in gossip, know about that. People, who aren’t, would never find out in their entire high school life with him together.”

“B-But....why? Like, how can such a spoiled brat go to a normal school instead of a private one and behave like a total asshole?”, Luhan retorted, not wanting to believe it.

 

 

“He actually can and he really _is_ an asshole”, Kyungsoo admitted, all eyes wandering over to him, waiting for him to continue.

“Yah! Stop staring at me like that! That’s fuckin’ creepy. And again yes. All that, what Sehun has said is true. This brat is also actually in some of my, Yixing’s and even Luhan’s classes, since some of them are mixed between seniors and juniors. He also failed his final exams twice and also is a pain in the ass. I swear that even Luhan’s personality is easier to deal with than with this asshole’s one. But I am sure that Sehun wants to tell you more about him since he looks like he is going to kill me, if I dare to say one more word.”

That made everybody’s attention draw back towards Sehun, who stuck his tongue out at Kyungsoo, before he continued with a smirk on his face again.

 

 

“As Kyungsoo has already said. He’s an ass. He failed the final exams in middle school and high school, which also makes him one of the oldest students here in school. And more to his asshole part. He is, like I already said, a playboy and currently in a kind-of-gang-war with Baekhyun. But that’s not the actual main problem….”, Sehun paused, looking Jongdae deeply in the eyes, like he wanted to warn him.

And Jongdae knew that look and fidgeted around uncomfortably in his place. Because, why was Sehun looking at him? And specifically at him?

It made him puzzled, because Sehun had this very rare, strict, sad, but also kind of warm look in his eyes, which he got everytime, when he was going to say something important or very alarming.

 

 

The younger broke their eye contact off and inhaled deeply, before he spoke up.

“He also is one of the biggest bullies in school. And from what I’ve heard, he is mercilessly and very brutal to his victims. I’ve heard that one of his victims even had to go to the hospital, because....”, he stopped again, diverting his gaze towards Jongdae again,” because he had a broken jaw and various bruises all over his body. The most worrying, however, is that he only didn’t like the person’s appearance. No other reason. And I heard that he is currently searching his next victim, but nobody can predict, who’s going to be next”, he finished.

 

 

Jongdae then exhaled a breath that he hadn’t realised he had been holding. His body was shaking, because he knew, what this meant.

And to judge from the way his friends were watching him, they also knew.

It could happen again.

The same thing that has already happened too often to count it anymore.

 

 

And Jongdae feared it.

 

 

His body began to quiver from the thought and his breathing became heavy. He didn’t want it to happen again, but deep inside his heart, he knew that it would. Because it had been like this everytime.

Really every fucking time, which made his body shake even more vehement as he remembered, what had happened in the past. The memories unerasable and hurting him almost every day. Being a warning, a reminder of his status.

 

 

He suddenly felt a light pressure on his hand and flinched from the contact. The boy turned his head around to see, who it was. Only to be met with Joonmyun’s face. His eyebrows were slightly knitted together, showing his concern, but his warm and soothing smile softened his expression.

“It’s okay, Jongdae. It won’t happen. And if it happens”, he stopped, cupping Jongdae’s left cheek with his right hand, locking his eyes with Jongdae’s, “I will be there for you. We all will be there for you. But we hope that it won’t be necessary and that people will finally be able to see your beauty. Because you are a beautiful person and if people cannot see it, they are stupid.”

He finished removing some strand from the younger’s face as his gaze softened even more, making his smile even brighter.

 

 

Jongdae blushed a bit under his mask and looked down to his hands, only to see them also being enveloped by the older’s one. It made him smile a bit, because Joonmyun did this everytime to comfort him and Jongdae had gotten used to it.

It gave him a warm spark in his heart and a glimmer of hope of being important.

And although this feeling was rare, he appreciated the older’s efforts to reach it. Even if it was only for a nano-second.

 

 

So Jongdae looked up, still blushing a bit as he squeezes Joonmyun’s hand, before he whispered a quiet “Thank you”. Only so loud that the older boy was able to hear it.

Joonmyun just chuckled at Jongdae’s cute behaviour as he squeezed his hands back, saying, “Don’t mention it.” He then pecked Jongdae on his forehead playfully, which made the younger only blush a fifty shades darker as he whined a loud “Hyung!”, before he hit Joonmyun playfully on the shoulder. Now he also burst into laughter due Jongdae’s childish behaviour as the other’s just rolled their eyes in fake-annoyance.

 

 

“Gosh, guys! Get into a fucking love hotel or I’ll throw up from all your fluffy lovey-dovey shit.. It sucks”, Kyungsoo fake-groaned, making the boys around him laugh in approval.

“My Nini is in any way much cuter, when he whines in bed. You would want to bang right n- AAH!”, Kyungsoo shouted as he felt a stinging pain on his shoulder.

“Jonginnie, why did you hit me?”, he hissed with a frisky pout.

“T-To shut you up, y-you jerk!”, a madly blushing Jongin retorted.

“But what I said is true! You can be _really_ whiny, when MPFH”, the older choked as Jongin shoved a big piece of chicken into his mouth, before he left the table embarrassedly. Kyungsoo of course following him immediately as he shouted incoherent words as he chewed on his piece of chicken.

 

 

Sehun just shook his head.

“The two. Kyungsoo should be really taught some manners or something like that”, he snickered as Joonmyun nodded in agreement.

“I feel sympathy with Jongin and agree expressly to what you stated Sehun. It cannot be that Jongin is being denounced by Kyungsoo. Somebody should really tear him off a strip.” He shook his head, the others following as they tried to suppress their laughter unsuccessfully.

 

 

“It is Kyungsoo. You cannot blame him. I also think that Jongin hasn’t really something against it. Maybe it is just too straightforward for him”, Jongdae stated randomly, smiling warmly under his mask. He was happy for them. They had a lovely relationship, even though Kyungsoo could be a complete douche sometimes. Or Jongin too shy. But they both loved each other unconditionally and cared for the other, no matter what flaws the other had. They went through ups and downs, through good and bad together and that was, what really counted.

This was exactly, what made their relationship so perfect. He wished that he could maybe also have such a perfect relationship one day.

 

 

“I’m sure, you’ll have”, he heard a voice say that tore him out of his thoughts.

“Hm?”, he asked confused, searching for the owner of the voice,

“I said that I am sure that you’ll get a boyfriend one day. You are a wonderful person”, Joonmyun repeated again, looking Jongdae directly into the eyes. His expression gentle, mixed with another emotion Jongdae couldn’t really assign.

But Jongdae at least was sure, what he was feeling as he felt his cheeks heat up, when he realised that he had been thinking out loud, which definitely embarrassed him. To judge from the hotness around him and his unsteady heartbeat.

“T-Thank y-you”, he stuttered out, not breaking the eye contact with Joonmyun.

 

 

The older then just gave him a charming smile and stroked his knuckles delicately, before he turned his attention back to his food again. And if Jongdae hadn’t been red before, he was it absolutely now.

“E-Excuse me”, he mumbles as he stumbled out of the cafeteria, heading to.... Anywhere.

He needed some space, some sort of break from this events that had just happened.

 

 

Did Joonmyun really mean it? Could he really be loved someday as the person he was?

Would somebody really want to treasure such a useless person like him?

Such an unworthy person as him?

Would somebody be really able to do that?

 

No...

 

Nobody with at least a sparkle of pride and self-worth would do that.

Nobody would do something this crazy.

Nobody would want to deal with him, not to mention his ugly problems he had on top of all.

No....it was simply impossible to find such a person.

Such a person didn’-

 

 

THUD!

 

 

Taken aback, Jongdae crashed virulently onto the floor, hissing from the pain in his lower regions.

When he then looked up to apologise to the person he had bumped into, the apology got stuck in his throat.

He couldn’t even wince from the pain in his backside anymore and remained completely silent as he saw, who was the person in front of him.

His eye shot wide open, his body trembling and his heart feeling like it wanted to spring out of his chest.

 

 

He had bumped into Park Chanyeol.

 

 

He had thrown Park Chanyeol onto the floor.

 

 

He had fucked up.

 

 

“Aish! Shit! Look the fuck out, where you are going you asshole! Are you disabled or why the fuck have you knocked me down?” Chanyeol shouted at him with his dominant voice. His eyes filled with anger.

Jongdae flinched and backed away, his body shaking with fear as he tried to form a sentence in his head.

But he couldn’t.

His mind went blank.

 

 

So he was only able to stare at Chanyeol, who seemed to get more furious with every passing minute.

“What the fuck is your problem? Aren’t you going to apologise? You even too stupid for that? And take off that fucking mask so that I can see your face properly!”

 

 

But Jongdae again didn’t move a single muscle as Chanyeol already heaved himself up. Heading towards him until he was standing directly in front of him.

“Still not saying anything you idiot? Are your really that dumb to apologise? I warn you. I already have had a bad day because of this fucking Byun Baekhyun. So you’d rather the fuck apologise now or ya gonna experience worse”, the older threatened, grabbing Jongdae’s sweater roughly.

 

 

It was then that something clicked in Jongdae’s head and he panicked.

His body quivering even more violently from anxiety. He didn’t know, what to do, so he just jumped up and ran away.

 

 

Sprinting down the hall, the stairs up and on the first floor he ran to the next toilet.

He collapsed in one of the cabins as he tried to catch his breath, while he was proceeding, what the heck just had happened.

 

 

But he knew one thing for sure.

 

 

He had another enemy.

 

 

Which meant another three years of bullying.

 

 

And just the thought of it made his breath hitch and his eyes teary.

 

 

Why?

 

Why did he have to be so clumsy?

 

So useless?

 

Why?

 

Why was he just causing so many problems to him and everybody that mattered to him?

 

Why wasn’t he strong enough to fight back? To protect himself and the ones he loved?

 

Why was he just such a burden?

 

“Why?”, he sobbed as he rolled himself up into a ball.

 

 

 

_**“Why?”** _


	5. 5. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> semi-graphic description of violence and verz heavy insults

“KIM FUCKING JONGDAE! You have two fucking options! Either you’ll gonna come out voluntarily or I’ll fucking break your door and drag you to school! Your decision!”, Luhan shouted from the other door’s side.

“You know that I’ll do it. And even when you’re in boxers I’ll fuckin’ drag you to school!”

That was the moment Jongdae instantly yanked the door open, revealing himself in a blue sweater and a black pair of sweatpants.

“I-I don’t want to go to school”, he stuttered, avoiding Luhan’s angry look.

 

 

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?”, he half-shouted, stepping in as Joonmyun only followed him quietly into the living room. Jongdae closed the door and followed them hurriedly.

“You have exactly ten minutes to get ready. Then we’ll leave. Even if I have to tape you to take you to school”, Luhan stated gravely as he scrolled through his phone.

But Jongdae only whined at that, showing his disapproval as he searched for Joonmyun’s help, who only shrugged apologetically.

The youngest then looked over to Luhan again, who still was paying no attention to him.

 

 

“B-But what i-if he is going to h-hu-”

“No! He fuckin’ won’t! And it happened two days ago, so he won’t even remember anymore. And if he’s going to cause any problems, I’ll deal with them and him.” Luhan paused, looking up from his phone and Jongdae directly into the eyes.

“Okay, Jongdae? Please”, he said, surprising Jongdae with his soft tone. He only said his name like that, when he got really serious and wasn’t messing around anymore. Jongdae knew this. So he just nodded silently and got himself ready the next few minutes.

When he was finished, the three boys began to walk to their school.

 

 

But it was rather quiet. Too quiet in Jongdae’s opinion. But he soon forgot it, when he got caught up in his thoughts.

He couldn’t stop pondering about the incident that had happened two days ago. He had just knocked down the school’s most popular and dangerous boy. Who also was a bully on top of all.

Since that, he hadn’t attended his school lessons. Too afraid that this boy would do something terrible to him. He had also tried to hide it from Luhan, but of course the boy would have been able to trigger the information out of him. He wouldn’t stop spamming Jongdae with messages until the boy would tell him, what really had happened.

So he had told him the story yesterday. But when Luhan had suddenly stopped answering, he thought that the boy had just forgotten to answer him and would have went to sleep. That he would have accepted Jongdae’s decision. But he should have known that Luhan would react the total other way around and shouldn’t have been surprised, when he saw Luhan standing in front of his door today.

Causing such a loud scene that even the neighbours would have been able to hear it.

So he hadn’t much of a choice except for letting the boy come in to stop the older from embarrassing him even more.

 

 

And now he had to count the cost.

He just prayed that Luhan was right and that Park Chanyeol had already forgotten everything about that incident. Otherwise he wouldn’t know, what was going to happen and how he should deal with it....

 

 

Or how he would be able to survive it....

 

 

-

 

 

The whole day nothing had happened.

Not a single interesting thing had happened and Jongdae was really relieved about that.

He hadn’t seen a single sign of Park Chanyeol for which he was really thankful.

 

 

Maybe Luhan had been right all along and the boy had really forgotten about that incident.

“I shouldn’t be so anxious about every little thing”, Jongdae hummed, hopping down the stairs to the school’s exit.

His mood was constantly building up and so he also began to sing the lyrics along with the melody, not noticing that somebody was following him.

 

 

When he almost arrived the school’s exit, where he was going to meet up with Joonmyun and Kyungsoo, somebody suddenly pushed him against the wall harshly. Making him cry out in pain as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Here you are”, a familiar voice chuckled evilly, making his body quiver with fear as he ripped his eyes open again.

And he was instantly being faced by a very angry Park Chanyeol, who pushed him even harsher against the wall for the second time, making Jongdae whimper brokenly.

 

 

The older just scoffed at that, tightening his strong grip around the younger’s collar.

“Have you really thought that I’ll let you go this easily without apologizing to me? Have you really thought that I would allow you such disrespect towards me?”, he shouted and Jongdae quickly shook his head.

“N-No. I-I’m sorry”, he stammered with a quivering voice.

But Park Chanyeol just sneered at him, clearly not satisfied with that.

 

 

“You really think that this will be enough? You have embarrassed me in public, when you bumped into me and fought back, when I was holding you. Making me fall down again as you dashed away. People laughed at me because of you. And you really think that a simple apology will compensate that? Will be enough to to rectify your disrespectful action towards me, Jongdae?”, he said. His voice dangerously low as a vicious smirk formed on his face.

 

 

It made Jongdae’s eyes widen in horror, his heart beginning to beat erratically against his chest as his body began to tremble uncontrollably from the anxiety that ran through it.

“H-How do you....”, he tried to press out, but his voice cracked half the way. Too shocked about the fact that Chanyeol knew his name.

“Connections”, Park Chanyeol simply stated.

“It is easy to get this information, when your parents own a company. And the information I got about you is _very_ interesting, Jongdae.”

 

 

His face came nearer, until it was only centimetres away from Jongdae’s. His breath ghosting over the younger’s mask, his dark and cold eyes piercing him.

“Or should I say my new victim, you useless orphan child?”, he added, voice filled with a condescending tone.

 

 

Now Jongdae was completely horrified, his eyes becoming glazed, which only seemed to entertain Park Chanyeol even more.

“Oh yeah, I know everything about you and your past. Seems like you weren’t the most admired one”, he chuckled with a deep and vicious voice.

Hearing this chuckle for the second time already, Jongdae decided that he didn’t like it. He neither liked the boy nor this situation he was in at all.

 

 

So he tried to release himself from the taller’s grip. But was restricted by being shoved against the wall again. His had and back got hit so hard that tears instantly filled his eyes from the sharp pain.

“P-Please. L-L-Let m-me go. I-I really a-am sorry. I-I promise that I won’t cause you any trouble e-ever again. P-Please”, he sobbed as he winced, when the older only grabbed his throat firmer.

“Oh, I am sure you won’t cause me any problems anymore. Because now you are going to get into trouble. If you would have told me this earlier, I would have thought about being merciful. Bot now the damage is done and I have to repair it. I cannot let it happen that people think that some random orphan kiddo can treat me like that. It would only encourage them to don the same. So _you_ are going to pay for that”, he said bitterly.

 

 

“Congratulations for being my new victim”, he roared with laughter, looking down into Jongdae’s teary eyes.

 

 

This had been the last straw for him and he whimpered silently, the tears wetting his cheeks as he looked around in panic. Looking for somebody, who could maybe help him.

 

 

But nobody was there.

 

 

He was alone.

 

 

Then he felt somebody cupping his face and turned it around forcefully.

And he was being faced with an amused looking Park Chanyeol, who stared deeply into his eyes. Their faces not even a centimetre apart.

 

 

“I’ll make your life a living hell, Kim Jongdae. Or should I say my new little cock slut? I will use you, rape you, if it is necessary, if you not obey and do, what I want. Prepare for it you little whore. You worthless thing”, he whispered disdainfully, the smirk on his face only widening.

Then the taller mustered his face up and down, before chuckling lowly the chuckle Jongdae already hated so much.

 

 

“Tears suit you by the way. I should make you cry more often you slut”, he stated randomly.

His hand that had been cupping the younger’s face before was now wandering down his body, making Jongdae panic.

 

 

He was anxious, so terrified and he didn’t know, what to do.

 

 

He tried to push the older away again, but failed. Whimpering as his chest was pressed more into the wall behind him. It was so strong that he couldn’t even breathe properly anymore and more tears swelled up in his eyes as his vision became a blur from the lack of oxygen.

 

 

He was about to give up, when he felt the hands on his body disappear and other ones catching him from falling onto the ground.

Jongdae coughed vigorously as he tried to breathe properly again.

The boy felt the hands around him tightening gently, which made him look up.

Only to spot an unknown worried face next to him and in front of him....

 

 

Byun Baekhyun’s unreadable one.

 

 

He had his hands on his hips and his body shook ever so slightly, like he would be angry or something like that.

 

 

“What the heck, Park? Are you really such a pussy? Always beating up the smaller and weaker ones? You really such a girl?”, Baekhyun scoffed and Chanyeol gritted his teeth, which made Baekhyun smirk, because he knew how much Chanyeol hated it to be called a ‘girl’.

“Shut da fuck fuck up, Byun! That’s none of your business you ass! Because _that_ son a bitch over there has embarrassed me in public and now he’s gonna pay for it. So get the fuck out of my way, before I beat you up!”, Chanyeol growled as he took a step towards Baekhyun.

But the smaller didn’t back away. He, indeed, formed his hands into fists and also took a step forward, his smirk only widening.

“Oh, how wrong you are Park. It _is_ business to protect people, who are a pain in your ass. And that guy over there, happened to has caught my interest, ever since he knocked you down like the wind would with a paper sheet. It was hilarious, I laughed my ass off. So back off. That guy is in my team now!”, he shouted, his tone becoming lower as Chanyeol’s gaze darkened even more.

“Do not do this Baek. Or I’ll swear you, too, are going to regret it. I will make your and our gangs life a living hell”, he threatened as he lowered his eyes to the level of Baekhyun’s. “You pipsqueak” he grinned and Baekhyun shot him a warning look, before he punched Chanyeol directly into his stomach. Making the taller male grunt as he took a step back.

 

 

Baekhyun laughed at that and gripped his collar to make the taller look up at him.

“Back off and do not even _dare_ to touch him. He is _mine_ now and you know, what happens, if you hurt somebody, I have laid my eyes on. And if dare, I’ll make your life even worse”, he gave him a threatening look and Chanyeol knew, what he meant. Two of his gang members, Namjoon and Hoseok, had to go to the hospital, because he had hurt somebody, who was important to Baekhyun.

 

 

But Chanyeol wouldn’t back off until that kiddo got, what he deserved. SO he showed Baekhyun away, which made the boy, who was holding Jongdae stiffen. Alarmed by Chanyeol’s aggressive behaviour.

“If you really think I would back off, you are more than wrong. That orphan whore will get, what he deserves. Even if you, your friends or even his friends, if he was some, have to suffer for it. He will come to me and plead for my forgiveness and then he’ll get his punishment, if he doesn’t get it earlier”, Chanyeol spat, before he came closer to Baekhyun again.

“So, you may have saved him now. But you cannot save him everytime, since you have to worry about your other friends and _then_ everytime you are not there, I will hurt him. So bad that he maybe even has to go the hospital. And you know that I can do that. Just think of my previous victims”, Chanyeol mumbled lowly and Baekhyun glared at him, because, he _knew_ that Chanyeol was able to do that.

He knew and had seen that all the rumours about his cruelty were true and he really asked himself, how he had been able to love such a disgusting person a long time ago.

 

 

But Baekhyun didn’t have the time, when he was brought back by a hand on his shoulder and he shot his head to his right side. Only to be met by Jimin, one of his own gang members, and his dark facial expression towards Chanyeol.

“Back the fuck off and stop treating us like children! We can fight for our own selves you maggot! So, beat it! We are three versus one and that is not really a fair fight. So please fuck off now!”, he blustered and Chanyeol growled and looked over to Jongdae, who was held by Taehyung, one last time.

 

 

“You may be save now, but not for long. I will catch you and make your life miserable you worthless thing!”, he practically snarled, before he turned around and walked away as he was being watched by the three boys’ piercing glares. Making sure that he wouldn’t turn around.

 

 

When he was out of their sight, Jimin turned around and walked over to as till violently shaking Jongdae.

He put his hand on the boy’s shoulder as he tried to catch the boy’s attention and to calm him down with soothing words.

“It is okay. You are safe now. He isn’t here anymore and he cannot hurt you. We’ll protect you, I promise”, he said with a firm voice.

 

 

But it didn’t help.

Jongdae’s body was still twitching and silent sobs escaped his mouth. He simply couldn’t calm down. He was too terrified that Chanyeol would come back and do something even worse to him.

It was difficult to breathe for him, to concentrate and his heard ached, which made him clench onto one boy’s, Taehyung’s, figure. Not wanting to lose the warmth and security that embraced him.

 

 

Taehyung felt it and he grew more worried about the boy. He knew that Park was brutal, but hurting somebody, who didn’t even have the chance of fighting back was so damn low. It made him want to beat the shit out of that guy and to finally show him, what respect meant.

He hadn’t always been in a gang. And their gang funnily hadn’t existed until Baekhyun had broken up with Park. Just after that the gang had formed and they decided to take revenge on Park for being so disrespectful towards other people, because they had grown tired of his shitty behaviour.

He suddenly felt Jongdae shaking even more violently and was brought back to reality.

“Baekhyun!”, he called softly and their leader immediately came over to them.

“We have to drive him home. He is a nervous wreck and he cannot eve breather properly. I know, where one of his best friends live. Joonmyun. He has the same English lessen as me. We can take him there, before he completely collapses”, Taehyung explained hurriedly as Baekhyun just stared at the shivering boy.

“Please?”, he asked again and Baekhyun nodded quickly.

“Of course. Take the car, while I take him out”, he said as he lifted Jongdae, very surprised that the boy was this light. Almost too light for his height....

It made Baekhyun curious about the sniffing boy, who hugged him, like his life depended on it.

 

 

Who was the boy that had succeeded to knock his ex down?

And why was the boy covering his face?

Because, when Baekhyun said that he had seen him earlier, he hadn’t been lying. He really had seen the boy in his arms one time in their maths class and was very confused, why the boy was covering his face. Because when he one time saw his eyes, he immediately got entranced by them. They were so beautifully dark, almost black that it made him curious.

And so he had begun to follow the boy and when he had seen him bump into Chanyeol, which made the taller fall down like a little kid that had fallen over a stone, he had decided to find out more about the boy, because that had really triggered his interest.

 

 

When he arrived at Jimin’s car he sat Jongdae down carefully, before he also seated himself into the car. Only to see that the boy had lost consciousness, which made him hurry to reach that Joonmyun guy’s home as he kept gazing at the smaller one beside him.

 

 

And one thing was sure.

 

 

He wanted to find out more about the interesting boy beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will correct the mistakes later on <3


	6. 6. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!: Heavy insults and suicidal thoughts

About three weeks had passed since he had that frightening encounter with Chanyeol, where Baekhyun had saved him along with some of his gang members. Ever since then he had a relatively normal school life for the _very first_ time in his whole life and it quite overwhelmed him. People didn’t insult him or looked at him with disgusted faces and he finally felt like a normal high school student and....it felt _really_ good.

But it was all because of Baekhyun, since the boy kept protecting him and his friends with his gang. And it was at first a quite strange atmosphere, but it soon turned more comfortable and open and they actually kind of befriended with Baekhyun’s gang.

 

 

_“Byun Baekhyun....”_

 

 

Everytime he thought about that name a warm feeling spread through his chest and a shudder radiated through his body, irritating him as nothing else had ever had, because he had never felt like that for somebody in his past. And it felt really nice....

 

 

But it didn’t matter how often he felt like that or how often those cosy feelings appeared in his chest, because he couldn’t hold them. Something inside him suppressed them and pushed them back as they almost got replaced by oppressing and hurting ones in an instant.

By feelings that made his body go numb, that were cutting off his breath and that ripped his heart apart as that voice in his head returned.

Telling him that he shouldn’t be vain of Baekhyun’s kindness and think that he was actually important to the boy. That he was just another burden to the older, another person he had to protect, who wasn’t even worth of being looked at. That Baekhyun didn’t care about him and didn’t spend time with Jongdae, because he liked him....ohh, no.

He spent time with him, because he was _obligated_ to to not lose his reputation at school.

 

 

This sneaky voice in the back of his head kept telling him things like that, kept reminding him of his place and that nobody would ever love him and that nobody would ever want to receive the love he gave. That his friends, his family and Baekhyun would do better without him, without him even existing and Jongdae knew that....

He knew that he wasn’t worth Baekhyun’s hassle and his attention. That he didn’t deserve his cute breathy quadrangle-like laugh, his bright and shining smiles, his care and interest...., because Jongdae wasn’t interesting in any way.

He was ugly, fat, a mop and gay on top of that....so nobody would ever want him....nobody would ever need him.

He was just a someone, who didn’t deserve to be loved or to receive any affectionate attention from anybody.

 

 

Especially not from such a perfect human being as Baekhyun.

From an angle like Baekhyun was it.

 

 

And although it broke his heart, took his breath away and made him cry himself into sleep, he had really tried to get away from Baekhyun, no matter, what his heart was telling him, no matter how much it hurt him....he _had_ to get away from Baekhyun.

The boy was doing things to him he didn’t understand, saying things he didn’t understand. Things that made him feel strangely warm and hot and he knew that he shouldn’t feel like that. It would only hurt him even more and he didn’t want that....

He didn’t want to trust, to open up or to _fall in love_....

 

 

Because nobody would ever love him back....

 

 

So he had tried to get away from him, no matter how much his heart carved for Baekhyun’s presence, his affection, his smile....his skin-ship. He knew that he didn’t deserve it and that Baekhyun deserved better and shouldn’t hang out with a loser like him.

But no matter, what he had tried, Baekhyun had somehow always succeeded to catch and find him and would even continue to spent time with him _voluntarily_. He would ask Jongdae, how his day had been and what he had been doing and why he hadn’t seen him. HE would ask him, if he would be doing okay with English, Music, Maths and PE, which were the classes they had together. And he would, on top of that, always insist to listen to him singing one day, but Jongdae would always decline with thanks.

Saying that he wasn’t that good and that Baekhyun would rather hear a whining cat sing than him. Because even though he liked his voice, which was the _only_ thing he liked about himself, he was very self-conscious, when it came to sing in front of others. And _especially_ in front of Baekhyun, since that boy had a god-given voice that sounded like the voice of an angle and Jongdae was sure that his voice would sound like a quacking duck beside Baekhyun’s voice.

So no....Baekhyun would never hear his voice, since he didn’t want to disappoint Baekhyun or scare him away and have another person hating him....

 

 

Yet, nevertheless Baekhyun had kept insisting and had told him that he would want to hear him singing one day, since he got a beautiful speaking voice, which had made Jongdae blush like a tomato as he instantly had hidden his already covered face behind his palms.

Immediately denying that and saying that it wasn’t true and that his voice didn’t sound good and that he was ugly.

But Baekhyun had, surprisingly, removed his hands quite quick, but gently, and had made him look into the other’s eyes. His face had turned serious. His eyes filled with anger, but also fondness and pain?....Jongdae hadn’t been sure of that one, but the other two emotions were rather clearly evident in the boy’s eyes and had sent chills down his spine.

 

 

Because the next moment Baekhyun had told him to please never say that ever again and that he shouldn’t think that low and badly of himself. And that he _was_ , indeed, beautiful and had a nice and endearing character and just had to recognise it himself. He also said that he shouldn’t listen to Park and that if Park would ever lay a finger on him again that he would regret it for the rest of his life.

And then Baekhyun had smiled at him with _that_ special smile, that smile that had made, and still made, Jongdae’s heart throb. As if it was sent from up above as a little piece of heaven. So warm, bright and tender....

And then Baekhyun had told him that he would show it to Jongdae and would protect him from people, who would want to hurt him.

 

 

That was the time Jongdae had felt this warmth....this enveloping cosy feeling in his heart that had made him feel all bubbly and fuzzy as he had blushed in a deeper shade of red.

Cos ever since then that feeling kept coming back and he felt how he began to fall for Baekhyun, although he knew that it was wrong to let those feelings inside his heart and to build up hope again....and those feelings also had a very bitter aftertaste.

 

 

Jongdae, of course, _knew_ that he was nothing, that he was idle and useless. He was pug-ugly, fat, had mental health issues, eating disorders and was at the bottom of the food chain due his sexuality....

He wasn’t beautiful either....he was worth nothing, even if Baekhyun _now_ thought otherwise. He would change his mind soon, when he would see, what a weakling he was and what ugly habits he had. And if that wouldn’t scare him off, then his physical appearance, his hideous face, the cutting scars on his arms and his chubby body would do....

 

 

But back then he had just nodded to hide his doubts and his pain away from Baekhyun, because he didn’t want to anger or worry him even more. The older already had enough problems with problems with protecting him from Chanyeol.

So he made a decision....a grave decision.

He would hide his pain, doubts, fears and his issues even better away now. Jongdae didn’t want to hurt him or any of his friends more than it was necessary. More than he already did....

He hated it that he was so weak and couldn’t defend himself and always needed other people’s help...he hated it. He was such a nuisance and he didn’t want to make it any worse.

He didn’t want to worry anybody anymore.

 

 

Jongdae felt how his breath hitched and his body began to shake violently. Because he, his body, knew, what that meant and what he was going to go through again.

But he didn’t care. He deserved it. He deserved to feel like that, since he was such an unworthy and useless person.

Nobody would even care anyway.

Nobody would see it anyway.

Nobody would notice it, when he would suddenly disappear....

 

 

“Jongdae, you okay?”, he heard a voice say, bringing him back to reality.

And as he saw Baekhyun’s worried-angry face, his heart clenched as memories shot through his head. Terrible memories and pictures.

“Y-Yes. I’m just thinking”, he tried to reassure the older. But Baekhyun didn’t buy it. It was almost like he could read Jongdae like an open book. Like he would knew Jongdae in and out, although they had just known each other for about a month.

Because Baekhyun’s face darkened as he carefully caressed Jongdae’s covered face with his slim fingers.

“It’s okay. We are, I am, here for you. I know that you are afraid of Park. But we won’t let him harm you. And if he even dares to come near you, I’ll beat him up. Even if I get hurt, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you can live in peace and that you have a normal school life. So we will all make it, okay?”, he said, removing some bangs out of Jongdae’s face, which made the younger blush.

“And if he says anything bad about you, he will at least have a broken jaw, because whatever he says isn’t the truth. You are not useless or trash or whatever he had said to you back then. You are none of that. So don’t think like that about yourself, okay?”, he said, his voice warm and sincere, which made Jongdae feel even more embarrassed, but also more guilty.

 

 

He didn’t want to lie. He really didn’t want to, but he had to....In order to not worry the boy.

So he exhaled shakily, looked into Baekhyun’s shining eyes and said, “Yes”.

 

_“No....I am sorry. And you will change your mind too....when you see my real me....”_

 

“Okay”, Baekhyun answered with a comforting voice, smiling a bit, before he dragged the younger with him to their maths class.

 

 

_“I am sorry....”_

_“You fucking ugly and ruthless trash! No wonder that nobody wants a wimp like you, when you lie to people, who still tolerate such an unworthy being as you in their presence! When he finds out, he will leave you alone and nobody will protect you, which serves you right! You deserve being hated and being treated badly! You are unworthy of his attention you ugly!”_ , the voice inside his head screamed at him, making him sniff silently as tears formed in his eyes.

And it only got worse, when the classes started. The voice didn’t disappear and turned into hundreds of voices that kept insulting him, making him cry noiselessly as he felt the urge to throw up.

He wanted to stop the pain....

Maybe even stop his life....

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae was too caught up in learning his notes for his music lessons to pay attention to the people around him in the cafeteria. He even ignored his friends, who tried to talk to him and babbled about some random bullshit, since he really needed to concentrate. The notes were really high and difficult to memorize, so he tried to hum them quietly to learn them faster.

But it didn’t help him and he groaned in frustration, letting his head fall onto the table to let it rest there. He was tired and exhausted. His body felt kind of sore and it was still difficult to sit properly for him without eliciting any pain in the hurt areas, that were still aching from Chanyeol’s attack three weeks ago.

Sometimes it still hurt so much that Jongdae wanted to cry.

 

 

But for the sake of his friends he didn’t. He didn’t want to worry them, since it wasn’t normal to still feel the pain after three fucking weeks. Yet, he didn’t tell them, because he wanted to be strong, although he knew that he had to lie to them for it.

The boy closed his eyes, trying to suppress this guilty feeling that crawled into his gut. Making him desperate and sad.

It hurt so much. Just everything was so severe and so hard. And it was just the fucking fourth school week.

Not to mention the fear and problems he would have and already had because of his futility.

 

 

He breathed heavily, tears forming in his eyes that he tried to control.

But it didn’t help. He felt how one tear rolled down his left cheek. Luckily nobody saw it, or so he thought.

 

 

Suddenly somebody tabbed him on the shoulder, making him look up, although he didn’t want to. But his body moved on its own, even though his mind was screaming at him to not to, because everybody would see him cry. Yet, he couldn’t control his actions.

 

 

Because...just because he _maybe_ wanted to be seen.... _maybe_ he wanted people to see and help him....but only _maybe_....

 

 

Yet, before he had the time to think about that properly and when his head was almost fully lifted, he felt something wet and warm all over his body. He heard some shocked gasps around him, some people whispering as they looked at him outraged or laughed at him.

But Jongdae was just taken aback, when he smelled something weird around him. Just then he realised that he was covered with leftovers from head to toe and that people around him were disgusted, shocked or laughing at him.

 

 

His heart began to beat erratically as he looked up. Only to see Chanyeol standing in front of him. A huge satisfied and condescending smirk on his face as he tried so suppress his laughter. Unlike his friends behind him, who were laughing their asses off as they insulted Jongdae, whose eyes were as wide as the moon. Filled with horror and fear.

Fear from what was going to happen next as different liquids ran down his face and clothes.

His body began to twitch slightly as Chanyeol leaned down. Eyes filled with disgust as the smirk on his face grew.

“That suits you. The look of anxiety and horror mixed with all the discarded food on you. With all the trash on you. Just like you”, he laughed and Jongdae began to tremble violently. Tears running down his face, his eyes still blown wide.

 

 

Chanyeol leaned back, laughing maliciously, saying, “Yeah, cry you ugly.”

 

 

But as soon as he said that, he stumbled back, hissing loudly as he held his left cheek.

That’s when Jongdae saw Baekhyun standing in front of him, his fists clenched and face filled with fury.

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, PARK? HUH? BULLYING PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY RAN YOU OVER?! YOU FUCKING MAGGOT?!”, Baekhyun shouted, breathing heavily.

But his comment left Chanyeol cold, who only scoffed at the younger as his friends made their way towards Baekhyun. Ready to beat him up, which made Jongdae anxious as he felt the urge to move, to help.

 

 

Yet, he couldn’t move a single muscle. His body was frozen as tears streamed down his face.

“Wow, how brave! Tss! Three against one. YOU ARE A FUCKIN’ PUSSY PARK CHANYEOL!”, Baekhyun went on, ignoring the guys that came nearer to him.

Keeping his current position, ready to fight, when he felt a pair of hands restraining him. But he tried to ignore it, because he was so angry. He had promised to protect Jongdae and he wanted to keep his promise, because he knew that Jongdae didn’t really confide in him. But he wanted to prove himself to Jongdae. He wanted to show him that he meant, what he said. _Everything_ that he had said to the younger.

He wanted to be there for Jongdae, to help him see, what a beautiful and lovable person he was, although Jongdae denied it vehemently and that he didn’t deserve a treatment like that. And yes it was true, at first he just wanted to protect Jongdae, because he wanted to get on Park’s nerves, but that had changed quickly as he got to know the younger.

Got to know his personality, his habits, his friends....and a little bit of his past due his friends. Because the little things he had heard made a shudder ran down his spine and had made his hackles stay up, because he had never heard that somebody was treated that badly just because they were an orphan.

It had woken something inside him, something he had never felt before and he kept observing Jongdae and that was when he had seen it. The sadness, the pain, the fragility in Jongdae’s tired and lifeless eyes and that broke his heart. Because he looked so weak, so powerless, but he was one of the strongest persons Baekhyun had ever seen.

Because he had endured such a treatment for such a long time, without giving up and he kept on, although he got hurt. But Jongdae hadn’t given up and went on and had tried to live and to help his friends and had tried to be there for them. He could tell the way Jongdae treated his friends....the way Jongdae looked at them with that hopeful and unbelievable warm glimmer in his sad eyes The way he tried his best in school and tried to hide away his worries and doubts.

Baekhyun could see it all and before he had time to even realize it, the younger had conquered a soft spot inside his heart. And it had happened in their third music lesson, when he had seen Jongdae’s excitement and the tender shimmer in his black eyes. That was the first time Baekhyun had noticed Jongdae’s beauty and ever since then something kept his drawing toward the younger, but he couldn’t complain. Because ever since he had seen so much of the younger over the time, which made this tingly feeling inside his heart only grow and had made him only more protective and also kind of possessive over the younger

So everybody, who would dare to hurt him, would have huge problems with Baekhyun. Especially Park.

 

 

So when he felt hands restraining him, he wanted to scream at the person, but closed his mouth, when he saw Kihyun, Jimin and Luhan shaking their heads at him as they glared at the three guys, who immediately stopped their track as they saw the three guys coming right next to Baekhyun.

Calculating, if they should start a fight or not.

Then suddenly Baekhyun spoke up again. His voice deep and threatening.

“We give you then seconds to disappear. Or we’ll make sure that you won’t know, where left, right, up and down is anymore for weeks.”

 

 

He clenched his fists and the boys beside him did the same, which frightened Chanyeol’s gang members a bit.

“One, two, three”, Baekhyun began to count and the boys turned around and went away, since they knew, what Baekhyun was able to do to them, when he was angry. Only Chanyeol stood still in his spot, rubbing his injured cheek.

And instead of running away, he came closer and grabbed Baekhyun’s shirt as he locked eye contact with him.

“You really think I am afraid of a dwarf like you, huh? Ridiculous!”, he guffawed, before he dangerously lowered his voice, “You may have saved him now. But you cannot be there for this little slut 24/7. And mark my words. Your friend would wish he would have never come here and bumped into me without apologizing.”

 

 

Then he left Baekhyun off and walked away. The whole room quiet and tensed until Chanyeol left it. All stares plastered onto Jongdae and his friends, who didn’t even move a millimetre.

Only some minutes later the chatting and noise came back, turning the cafeteria’s atmosphere into a normal one again.

 

 

It was then that the guys calmed down and turned toward Jongdae, who w still was shocked and trembling all over.

“Fuck! I should have broken his fucking jaw and not left him off with just one punch”, Baekhyun hissed as he rubbed his hands over his face. Massaging his temples to calm down.

This took Jongdae out of his daze and he shook his head.

“N-No B-Baekhyun….i-it’s o-oka-”

“Don’t! Don’t tell me it is okay, because it is not!”, the boy half-yelled, making Jongdae flinch and his heart tighten up.

He didn’t want to see Baekhyun like that. He didn’t want to see him fighting, upset or angry, because of him _ever_ again. He wanted to be strong and didn’t want anybody to get into danger because of him ever again.

 

 

And he had failed.

 

Again.

 

He had terribly failed again.

 

 

_“Yeah, you dumbass! It was clear that this was going to be a failure!”_ , the voice in his head scoffed.

_“I mean, look at you! You are weak, ugly and don’t have any strength! You’re just like the trash on you! Not wanted, not needed. I mean, look around you! Everybody laughed at you and looked so disgusted at you, because you are disgusting! Somebody like you could never protect anybody! Or give somebody happiness and be useful!”_

The voice kept on screaming inside his head, making his vision blurry.

 

 

He needed to get out.

 

To get out of this place.

 

To just get away....

 

So so far away....

 

 

_“Yeah! Do that, what you can do the best! Run away! Be useless. But at least you won’t be a shame for your friends and yourself that way, when you run away now! So run!”_ , the voice guffawed as it disappeared, when he grabbed his things.

Ignoring the stares on his way out.

Because they would only make it worse and he didn’t want to have a panic attack or something like that in front of all those people.

 

 

But on his way out he didn’t notice that somebody was following him.

 

 

This somebody was Baekhyun, who stopped him and dragged the younger into one of the male bathrooms.

“You can wash yourself here. I go and get my sport clothes. You can wear them. I also have another mask for you”, he said sternly as he wanted to leave to gather his things up.

“B-But-”, Jongdae wanted to protest, but was interrupted by the other.

“No buts Jongdae, please.... And no it is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, so please stop to blame yourself internally or in any way at all. Nothing of this is your fault. Really”, the older said rather harsh, but with such sincerity and something else, something heavy, in his voice that it made Jongdae shut up, although he felt like screaming.

Like running away and to end all of this.

To release his friends from this burden....

 

 

His hear ached as he had struggles to breathe properly again.

“Why?....Why me?”, he whispered, his eyes still red from the tears as the leftovers slowly dried on him.

 

 

_“Because you deserve it!”_ , a hoarse voice screamed.

_“Because you are ugly and redundant!”_ , another one gawked.

 

 

And it went on like that until Baekhyun came back as he showered.

 

 

 

And Jongdae kept asking himself, what he could do to stop this, as tears that nobody was able to see, ran down his face.


	7. 7. Chapter

“Okay, spit it out, what’s wrong?”, a voice beside him spoke up and Jongdae jerked as he looked to his right side. Only to see Yerim sitting herself beside him on the bench as she kept watching the children play, scream and giggle.

But she then averted her gaze towards him and lifted her right eyebrow sceptical as she waited for his answer, which made Jongdae gulp as he avoided her pointed look.

As he avoided _that_ pointed look, because he knew that this expression was her ultimate weapon. With that look she could make somebody reveal his deepest secrets or problems, if she wanted to.

 

 

And yes, she looked cute and harmless, with her bright smile, her short light-brown ponytail and her caring and cheerful personality. But she could also be the devil himself.

So when she switched into that mode, it was better to not joke around with her and to tell her the truth, because she would find out the truth anyway. Only a bit sooner or later, which was kind of creepy.

So even if Jongdae would try to lie to her, she would find it out. He didn’t know, how a fifteen year old girl had the ability to notice, when somebody was lying to her, since many girls normally had other interests or abilities that age. But she had this capability, which was quite rare.

 

 

Since people with such a sensibility and insight into the human nature were rare in general and yet she was one of those people.

Which maybe was the main reason, why she could be called his female best friend, since she instantly saw, when something bad had happened or when Jongdae behaved more strangely than normal.

Therefore he knew that it had no use to lie to her and so he exhaled shakily as he prepared himself to speak up, although his insides were tossing and turning. Warning him not to say anything and to stifle the upcoming discussion.

Yet, another feeling inside him was stronger. A feeling of wanting to be free, to lift this heavy burden off his shoulders and to finally let himself being helped.

And so he began to talk.

 

 

He explained, what had happened and that he had accidentally knocked down the school’s worst bully and bad boy, named Park Chanyeol, who now tried to make his life a living hell. Jongdae also told her about Baekhyun, who had protected him along with some of his gang members from his ex-boyfriend and that he didn’t understand the boy.

Because, why would a complete stranger still care for him so much after the thing that had happened in the cafeteria about a week ago.

Jongdae couldn’t understand Baekhyun, because the boy was....was behaving so totally different from everybody else he had met before.

 

 

The older would _voluntarily_ spend time with him and would even call him ‘beautiful’, which was totally absurd. Another thing that irritated the younger boy was that the taller hadn’t blamed for anything that had happened until now. He hadn’t blamed for the things that had happened with Chanyeol and where he had put Baekhyun into danger, because of his incapacity to defend or fight for himself.

He couldn’t understand it and he also didn’t understand, why this bubbly feeling inside his chest kept coming back and kept growing everytime he was with Baekhyun. He couldn’t understand that tingly sensation that made him blush everytime he kept staring at the older until the boy would realize it, smile at him and call him “Cute”, which was more than untrue.

Jongdae couldn’t understand that tingly sensation that made his heart beat a million times faster, when the older hugged him or caressed his cheeks ever so lightly with his gorgeous fingers.

 

 

It confused Jongdae, because he knew that he shouldn’t feel like that. That he shouldn’t fall in love and get his hopes up, because as soon as Chanyeol would leave him alone and would stop bothering him, which was in about a year, Baekhyun would leave his side.

Baekhyun would leave him alone and ignore him, treat him like he would have never existed and Jongdae didn’t want to get more hurt than he already was.

But that still couldn’t stop him from falling for the boy and he was stumped. He didn’t know, what to do anymore.

 

 

And as soon as he had said that, he felt a sharp pain radiating through his right ear and he yelped as he covered it with both of his hands, before he looked over to the girl. Only to see her cheeks being huffed with a slight scowl evident on her face.

Her chocolate-brown eyes gloomy and hurt, which sent a bullet straight through Jongdae’s heart, because he had never seen her that sad and upset about something and he knew that it had been a bad idea to tell her the truth. To involver her into his problems.

But before he could even open his mouth to apologise to her, she held her index finger up and shook her head, before she locked eye contact with him. A determined, but still rather smooth expression forming on her face.

 

 

“Don’t say anything now, before I pull your ears again for talking such nonsense and bullshit. Because, firstly, don’t you dare to offend or insult me like that ever again, because I also ‘voluntarily’, spend time with you and ‘endure’ you in my presence. And, yes, I like to ‘endure’ you and to hand out with you at work. I like to talk to you, because you are a really lovely person, Jongdae. You are not ugly, nor are you fat, nor are you a shame.

But my words won’t change anything, when you are not ready and open to see it yourself. When you don’t accept it yourself. Or when you don’t accept other people’s help, because that way you won’t ever see it, which would be a huge waste, since everything I have said and still say is true. Everything that this Baekhyun guy had said is also true.

You are cute, you are gorgeous and you don’t deserve such treatment you had to endure in the past and still have to endure. That is not right.

And now please try to think logically one time.

 

 

Do you really think, you would have any friends, if you would really be such a bad person? Do you think that the kids would even want to play with you, if you would have that kind of bad aura around you? Do you think they would love you and would always want to play with you, if you would be such a bad person without no pure heart?”, she asked, giving Jongdae a meaningful look that sent chills down the boy’s spine and he thought about her questions.

He thought carefully about them and as he kept thinking he realised that she was right.

 

 

Children had a pure heart and soul and could sense, if somebody had a good heart and a likeable and caring character.

And if somebody didn’t they would shy away from such a person and would be afraid.

 

 

That was the moment realisation washed over Jongdae and his heart began to beat rapidly as his breath hitched. Goosebumps covering his whole body as his eyes grew wide as he mumbled a silent “No....no, they wouldn’t even come near me”, which made Yerim smile as her eyes softened.

“See? You just have to think rationally about it and confide more in yourself. You have to see it yourself, because I and your loved ones can only partially help you. If you want to get out of that black hole, you have to listen to that”, she said soothingly as she placed her hand over his quickly beating heart.

“You just have to listen closely to your heart. You have to listen to what it tells you, to what it tells you from it’s deep bottom and then you’ll see it. And if it wants Baekhyun, then, well, fall in love with him and try tu survey every moment you get with him.

Because we all get hurt, we cannot avoid it and we all get our hearts broken sometimes. But it our decision how we want to deal with it. If we sulk and sink into our self-pity or if we say, okay, it hurts like a fucking bitch, but it will get better and there will be better times. Maybe I will even find somebody better and try again.

 

Although I think that this Baekhyun guy will not leave you”, she smirked at him as she mustered Jongdae up and down.

“Something in the way you talked about him and the way he said things to you tells me that he won’t leave you”she repeated, her smirk only growing, which utterly confused Jongdae.

 

 

But before he could question it, she said one last sentence, before she left him with a bright smile.

“Just listen to your heart, trust the ones you love and you will see the truth in the future. It might be hard to see, but if you have faith, you will see it”, she finished, before she left Jongdae dumbstruck on the bench.

 

 

And he stayed there for five more minutes, his thoughts swirling around in his head, making it fuzzy, before his head suddenly cleared up. And he felt an overwhelming sensation filling his whole body, making his muscles jerk from the electroshocks that ran through them. Eliciting a light and bright feeling in his heart that spread through his whole body.

Making him feel like he would be flying, like a burden would have been lifted off his shoulders and he breathed in in relief.

His heart beginning to hammer uncontrollably from the feather-like sensation inside it and Jongdae felt how a smile formed on his face under the mask.

And he felt how it became brighter with every passing second as he looked up to the blue-shining sky.

 

 

A chuckle escaped his mouth as this feeling of freedom and....and happiness conquered his chest.

 

 

And for the first time in his life he had a shimmer of hope again and ignored the voice in the back of his head that only seemed to be a faint memory at that moment.

 

 

-

 

 

It was about 20.00 PM and he was on his way home as he hummed the melody of one of his favourite songs. Not caring about that, what was happening around him as he kept walking home. It felt good to be carefree and to not worry continuously about so many things.

 

 

And so he only sink deeper into this new state. Unaware of somebody following him.

 

 

So when he was about to turn around a left corner, he felt how something grabbed him harshly and threw him against the stony wall, making him shriek and hiss from the pain as he closed his eyes. Trying to proceed, what was happening.

But before he even had the chance to do so, he was roughly pressed against the cold wall, which made him whimper as a sharp pain flashed through his back, while his bag fell onto the ground.

And then he felt somebody gripping his hair violently, before his head was yanked up rudely and he cried out in pain. Tears forming in his eyes as he tried to breathe properly.

But he couldn’t, since the hand on his chest restricted him from doing so.

 

 

“Look, who we have here”, a familiar voice said and Jongdae instantly stopped his motions as a cold chill ran down his spine. Making him shiver with fear as the voice spoke up again.

“Our little orphan bitch. And look the fuck at me, when I talk to you, you slut!”, the deep voice growled and Jongdae winced as he opened his teary eyes. Only to see the one person he feared the most along with his frightening seven gang members.

 

 

Namjoon, Hoseok, Jungkook, Taeyong, Wonho, Chankyun and Jooheon.

 

 

 

But he feared Park Chanyeol the most.

 

 

 

The guy who had the most vicious and dark expression on his face Jongdae had ever seen in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, if there are some spelling mistakes <33 I will correct them later on, when I have time (School is kinda robbing my time at the moment and so I try my best to load the chapters up now and to correct my mistakes later) 
> 
> But I hope that you enjoyed this chapter <3


	8. 8. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!!: This is nothing for the faint-hearted. Here are mentioned many insulting words. Also graphic description of violence, graphic description of sexual abuse and mention of self-harm. 
> 
> So only read it, when you are sure that you can endure it. It was my first time writning something like this and also I had problems with writing it. So yeah, to the others, who think that they can read such things, I hope that this is going to appeal to you. 

Chanyeol’s grip on his hair tightened, which only worsened the pain and made Jongdae whimper as he collapsed onto the hard ground in front of Chanyeol. Coughing loudly as he sucked in the sharp cold air that made him feel like his lungs would get cut by little knives over and over again.

And it only made more tears fill his eyes as silent sobs escaped his mouth, while his body began to tremble.

 

 

That, though, only seemed to amuse Chanyeol even more as he released a loud laugh, grabbing Jongdae’s throat, which made the younger jerk as a suffocating sensation radiated through his system that made him choke as Chanyeol only gripped his throat tighter to make the crying boy look up at him again.

And Jongdae hated it. He hated it, when people touched his throat. It was his most vulnerable and sensitive spot. Not even his own parents were allowed to touch him there, because he couldn’t stand this contact and the feeling of something foreign, even something dangerous, touching him there. It made him anxious beyond imagination and he felt a horrible fear crawling up his body that made him shake uncontrollably, when he met Chanyeol’s cold and despising eyes.

They were filled with hatred and disdain, but also amusement and evilness as he leaned down to Jongdae. His grip around the younger’s throat only becoming harder, which made the smaller choke again as he tried to squirm out of the taller’s suffocating hold.

 

 

But he was too weak and his muscles were too sore to even lift them up to the older’s firm hand. So he left it as he felt his vision becoming a blur from the lack of oxygen and he weeped only louder as his heart clenched in anxiety and oppression.

As if it was being smashed by two acicular walls over and over again and he felt how his consciousness slowly left his body. Making him feel numb and defenseless.

 

 

Yet, before it left him completely he felt the grip around his throat disappearing and he fell onto the ground. Fighting for air as he trembled uncontrollably, when his lungs were filled with air again.

But before he even had the time to recover he felt how somebody tore off his mask and kicked him in the stomach. Making him scream brokenly as he curled up into himself in order to protect his body.

 

 

But it didn’t help.

 

 

The kicks and punches kept hitting him in his body’s vulnerable spots. They kept bashing his stomach, his back and his face with their fists and feet. And all he was able to do was to cry, shout, yell and sob from the ache that filled his system. The ache that made him want to disappear into a black hole. The ache that awakened his desire to die….

 

 

That pain kept radiating through his body as he felt how his vision became fuzzy, when a particularly hard kick hit him in the face. Making him groan pained as he felt a warm liquid roll down his face until it mixed up with his cold and salty tears.

And when it reached his mouth he flinched, when he tasted something metallic and bitter in it.

 

 

It was blood.... and he cried out as two more kicks hit him right into his stomach and into his face.

 

 

After that his body was just twitching erratically, his limbs were feeling stiff and his heart was pounding at an abnormal fast pace as he coughed severely.

And that was the moment he heard it. That was the moment he heard the boys’ voices around him speak.

 

 

“What a wimp!”

“He cannot even cover and protect himself properly, what a trash-bag!”

“Such a powerless maggot!”, another one suddenly laughed.

“Yeah, I bet he cannot even suck a cock the right way, even though he is such a cock-slut!”

 

 

It went on like that and Jongdae felt the world around him disappearing as he sunk into the depths of is mind….

 

 

_“They are right....I am useless. I am weak....a nobody good for nothing. They could beat me up to death now and rape me and nobody would even see it. Nobody would come to help me._

_Who would even want to help me out of that situation anyway?…._

_Nobody would be stupid enough to risk their own life for a faggot like me. For an orphan gay, who is totally feckless...._

_Maybe that was it now….They ware going to beat me up to death and nobody would care....._

_But that way I, at least, wouldn’t be a burden to the ones I love anymore. That way they could live freely, without having to worry about me anymore...”_

 

 

And as he thought that he winced again as quiet hiccups left his mouth and as only more tears filled his eyes. Because then he realised that he wasn’t going to ever be happy and carefree. That he was a nobody and that he shouldn’t have been so naive to hope that it would get better in the future.

He realised that he should have given up a long time ago, because there was nothing left he could live for….he could fight for.

The best solution was, when he would just disappear from this world.

 

 

And so he closed his eyes and just hoped that he would finally die and go to a better place. He only felt his eyes becoming more teary as he apologised to his parents, to his friends, to simply everybody that he had hurt or disappointed in the past and hoped that their life would be going to better from now on.

 

 

But that didn’t happen.

 

 

Instead he felt a harsh pull on his head that hoisted him up onto his bleeding knees as a dull pain filled the abused spot on his head. He then opened his wet and crusty eyes, only to shiver in horror, when he saw Chanyeol’s diabolic smirk, before he averted his eyes to the taller’s cock that was hanging heavy between his legs.

Jongdae felt an ice-cold shudder creeping down his spine as he shook his head slightly, breathing out an almost inaudible “No” as more tears poured from his puffy red eyes that made his body shake violently.

But that only made Chanyeol guffaw as he pulled at Jongdae’s hair roughly again, which made Jongdae scream hoarsely from the stinging pain.

 

 

“Ohhh, you don’t want to suck my cock, you slut?”, Chanyeol mocked with laughter.

“Well, bad for you, you whore, because form now on you will suck my cock, wherever and whenever I want you to or....”, he stopped, making Jongdae look up into his threatening eyes.

“I’ll search somebody else to do that. How about that girl from earlier? Or what about Joonmyun, he has such soft lips. I am sure that one out of the both of them would be a good cock-slut, even against their will. And then, then I will tell them that it is _your_ fault that they get sexually assaulted. Because you had the guts to refuse blowing my cock.

So I will tell them that you refused to be my cock-slut, because you wanted to save your ass and didn’t care about them, although I threatened to assault them, if you would be going to fight back.

And then....then they will both _hate_ you and you are going to lose everything you have. Because, who would want to be friends with a useless and weak whore as you are? Who would want a maggot as a friend, who cannot even protect his own friends from being assaulted, just because the maggot himself doesn’t want to be a cock-slut, although he clearly is one?

Made to serve evrybody and blow cocks no matter, if he wants it or not. So do you want that? Do you want to be alone? Do you want that you bitch! Huh?!”, Chanyeol yelled in a furious tone and Jongdae quivered with terror, his teary eyes growing wide as he shook his head vigorously.

 

 

The only thought of his friends getting abused _because_ of _him_ was enough to stop his breath and heartbeat in one go and to make him completely pliant. Let alone the thought of Joonmyun, Yerim and his other friends hating him.

No....he didn’t want that.

He felt his heart being ripped into thousands of pieces, as if somebody would be shooting it over and over again until nothing would be left of it, as he kept thinking about that.

 

 

No....he wouldn’t let that happen.

He wouldn’t let his friends get hurt because of him, much less make them hate him, because he wasn’t strong enough to simply blow a cock....

 

 

To blow the _first_ cock in his whole life….

 

 

Like....it wasn’t that much of a big deal, right?....

 

 

It was just oral sex....and....and as long as Chanyeol would leave his friends alone, it wouldn’t hurt anybody, right?....

 

 

Jongdae tried to persuade himself and to ignore that nauseous feeling in his gut that made his head spin as he felt the urge to throw up. That made him cringe as felt a sour liquid creeping up his throat that made him want to gag inwardly as he shuffled closer towards Chanyeol’s huge cock. His body still trembling and quivering so violently like it had never before in his whole life. Fear spreading through his chest as something inside him screamed to run away and to fight, to fight for his life.

 

 

But he didn’t....

 

 

Because he was _again_ too _weak_...too _useless_...

 

 

So he pushed those feelings down and breathed shakily as he whispered, “N-No I-I-I d-don’t want t-that t-to ha-happen”, which made Chanyeol’s smirk grow as his vicious eyes shimmered with triumph.

 

 

“Good boy. A wise decision you whore. Now be a good cock-slut and suck my cock until you suffocate on it. Now suck!”, he commanded and Jongdae sobbed, but he opened his mouth reluctantly nevertheless and took the heavy pulsating flesh into his mouth as he wished to die right in his spot.

As he wished that he would be able to fight back and say that he didn’t want that....but he couldn’t.

 

 

And he felt ashamed....

 

He felt so fucking ashamed for not having any power and to be so powerless....

 

He felt so ashamed that he was too fragile to protect his friends as he, on the other hand, tried to convince himself that he was doing the right thing...

 

 

But it wasn’t.

 

 

He felt that as he had never felt something in his whole life before....

And he prayed to God to save him...

Because his body was shaking all over, every single muscle in it itched and jerked as the disgust and hatred towards himself only grew as he began to bob his head at a slow pace. Unable to do anything else.

Jongdae felt his eyes burning from his tears, felt his head hurting from the wounds and his breath hitch from the need to spit Chanyeol’s cock out and to gag to make that gross taste inside his mouth go away.

 

 

But again he couldn’t do it....

 

 

And suddenly he felt Chanyeol gripping his hair tightly and his head was being slammed forward, which made him deep-throat Chanyeol’s cock and he screamed, whereas Chanyeol groaned in satisfaction.

And Jongdae kept screaming and weeping from the ache in his jaw and the burning sensation in mouth as the salty tip hit the back of his throat. That instantly triggered his gag reflex and he hoped that it would made Chanyeol’s cock disappear.

 

 

But of course also that didn’t happen.

 

 

It, indeed, only brought the taller’s cock further into his mouth and made him gag non-stop, which made his throat feel like it was on fire.

 

 

Yet, that didn’t stop Chanyeol.

 

 

It was the other way around actually and he only thrusted his hips faster into Jongdae’s mouth with such a relentless pace that it made Jongdae screech hoarsely again until he was crying, sobbing and gagging continuously.

Chanyeol then only fastened up his pace even more as he practically growled, “Like that you fucking slut! Take it all!”, until Jongdae’s saliva was a mix with the other’s pre-cum that ran down his chin.

 

 

That made it feel like an eternity for Jongdae, like a never-ending torture that would kill him with all the pain that formed in his trembling body.

 

 

And even though only five minutes had passed in reality, it felt like hours for Jongdae. Hours of being incapable of doing anything against this situation.

Incapable of running away, of calling for help or of finding the strength to stop this torture.

 

 

So all he was able to do was to endure it.

 

 

To endure the sickening taste of Chanyeol’s monstrous cock in his mouth that made him feel like a whore.....like trash.

Like a bitch, a slut that was good for nothing and only there for being used as others pleased to use him.

 

 

That made his last glint of dignity disappear.

 

Because this, all of this, was his fault.

 

And only his.

 

And people like him didn’t deserve to have a shimmer of human dignity left....

 

 

Suddenly he heard Chanyeol groan loudly and he felt his cock twitch in his mouth and his body froze in terror, when he felt something salty and bitter run down his abused and sore throat that made him want to spit it out and throw up.

 

 

But he couldn’t, because Chanyeol restrained him from doing so as he looked at Jongdae with dark and hooded eyes.

“Swallow it you fuckin’ slut”, he threatened, shoving his cock again into Jongdae’s mouth, which didn’t leave Jongdae any other option than just do that, what the taller man had told him to do.

 

 

So Jongdae gulped and drank every drop of cum that dripped from the other’s cock, although he had a gag reflex as he did so. His throat contracting non-stop as he quivered. His hackles raising as his stomach turned upside down from the disgusting taste.

And when he was finished, Chanyeol just chuckled and stuffed his cock back into his trousers, before he grabbed Jongdae by his throat again, which made the younger whimper.

 

 

“Good work, you whore. A bit out of practice, but I will change that soon you bitch, now that you are _my_ personal cock-slut. And don’t you even dare to tell anybody or you know, what is going to happen”, he snarled and Jongdae just nodded faintly, before Chanyeol released him and left Jongdae there.

He and his group went away, which made Jongdae fail to see that one particular boy of the group took a glance back to him with a pained expression plastered on the boy’s face as a sickening sensation filled those certain boy’s gut.

 

 

And Jongdae just sat there. His body shaking and aching from all the bruises. His throat and jaw hurting from Chanyeol’s abuse and his eyes wet and crusty from all the tears that he had cried.

He was in a daze, not able to move.

His mind was blank as he tried to proceed, what just had happened, while his body seemed to move on its own accord.

But as soon as he had tried to stand up, he collapsed onto the ground again.

His legs too jittery to hold his weight upright and so he literally crawled back home.

 

 

His head remaining in its blank state the whole time.

 

 

And just when he had closed the door behind him and had went up into his bathroom and saw his ugly reflection in the bathroom mirror, he realized, what just had happened and his head went fuzzy as his breath became laboured.

 

 

He had been sexually assaulted by Chanyeol....

 

 

He had almost gotten raped....

 

 

He had been dirtied and had gotten stained....

 

 

He had been tainted....he was filthy now....and it was his own mistake he realised in horror.

 

 

So he instantly ripped off his clothes and stumbled into the shower to wash off all the dirt and filth.

But then he saw all the bruises that were covering his body.

The ones on his arms were blue and had some bloody scratches, whereas the ones around his stomach area were yellow, purple until some of them turned almost into a dark brown, similar to black. All of them hurting like hell and the warm water that soon covered his body didn’t make the pain ant better.

It, indeed, worsened it and Jongdae clenched his teeth as he tried to wash all the dirt off of his body with all the different shampoos and body lotions that were standing in the bathroom.

 

 

But it didn’t help.

 

 

The sickening and tainted feeling inside his gut didn’t disappear and so after the shower and after he had dressed himself, he looked at himself in the mirror again and he felt like throwing up.

Because….he had a huge scratch on the right side of his face that almost reached his eyebrow, also his lips were bruised and crusty and around his throat were angry red and yellow hand-prints that made his head spin as a voice yelled _“Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!”_ over and over again.

 

 

And so, without thinking any further, he dashed out of the bathroom, ran over to his bed and took out a razor blade of his upper nightstand desk.

He then sat down onto his bed, lifting his pyjama sleeves and cut the soft flesh of his left arm. Cutting it deep and slowly to feel the pain….to feel the pain through the cut so that he would be able to endure his psychical pain better.

 

 

But the pain was too strong since it had been a long time ago, when he had last done that. Almost one year had passed ever since then and so the pain was stronger and he began to cry again as he continued to cut his arm.

Each cut becoming deeper until he felt his heart clench as he panted.

 

 

Then he stopped cutting and took a tissue to dry the spilling blood that poured out of his new seven cuts and it hurt like a bitch.

 

 

But it had at least eased off his mental pain and disgust towards himself as he kept drying the cuts.

 

 

It was almost 23.00 PM midnight.

 

 

And he was completely alone.

 

 

Nobody was by his side to comfort him.

 

 

But he was used to it.

 

 

He was used to it....

 

 

He was used to it...

 

 

_“I am used to it....”_

 

 

 

 

He kept repeating in his head as he felt himself carving for warmth, for affection, for somebody, who would cuddle him...

 

 

 

 

But nothing of that happened and he kept crying alone in his room as he kept drying the bleeding cuts.


	9. 9. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING:**    
>  _Heavy insults, minor-graphical descrition of abuse, minor-graphical desciption of violence and self harm_
> 
> I am going to correct any spelling mistakes later on, elsewhy I hope that this chapter will appeal to you

The next morning he woke up with a terrible pain that was seated in his bones and in his whole body. He could barely move a single muscle without eliciting a stabbing pain that certain spot that he moved, which then spread through his whole system, making him groan uncomfortably.

Luckily it was a Saturday and so he hadn’t had to go to school or to work and also his parents had long gone out to work, which left him all alone at home.

 

 

But it was better like that in his opinion, since that way he didn’t have to explain anything to his parents or had to go to school, where everybody would see this uglifying scratch on his face. Where everybody would look at him like he would be some kind of creep, some kind of monster, some kind of trash….

 

 

At that word yesterday’s events flashed through his mind and his breath hitched, his heart began to hammer and his body began to shake. And the pain….the pain in his body became stronger as the despise and hatred towards himself inside his heart only grew....

Because he still was dirty and tainted....

 

 

A filthy wimp....

 

 

He was a shame for everybody around him, he was a shame for himself and it was only his own fault....

If he would just have been a little bit stronger, if he would just have been a little bit braver, a little bit tougher, this, all of this would have never happened.

He would have never become even more ugly with all the bruises and wounds that covered his whole body. He would have never become even more filthy and feel so fucking ashamed and disgusted of himself, because he was too fucking fragile and feckless to protect his own self....

He would have never become an object that could be used as the people around him pleased to....

 

 

But maybe....just maybe that was his….his destiny....; to be used and then thrown away like trash....

 

 

Yet, as soon as he thought that, he began to cry and whimpered as his body twitched and quivered uncontrollably.

Jongdae curled up into himself as he felt how a panic-attack hit him with full force, making him sob and scream as his heart clenched and his stomach turned upside down.

 

 

Because something inside him was fighting....fighting against those feelings and thoughts and told him that it wasn’t his fault. That nothing of this was his mistake and that he didn’t deserve such a cruel treatment, that nobody deserved it, and that he should fight....

 

 

And, yes, Jongdae didn’t want that....

He didn’t want to experience that, what he had experienced yesterday, another time. Just the simple thought of it made his whole body tense up and triggered his gag-reflex as he felt like throwing up.

 

 

He didn’t want that....he didn’t want to get dirtied even more....

 

 

But what could he do?....

 

What could he, a valueless orphan, do against that?....

 

He couldn’t fight, nor could he protect himself, nor could he tell anybody, since nobody would believe him and he would only put his friends into danger like that, which he didn’t want, of course....

 

 

So the only option was to endure it....

 

 

But how?....

 

 

How, without dying and breaking apart even more with every following time he would go through it?....

 

 

How, without anybody caring, what would happen to him?....

 

 

Those thoughts ripped his heart apart, made it bleed and writhe as the voice in his head returned and insulted him again.

And so he kept crying and trembling for the next upcoming hours as he kept asking himself those questions over and over again. Along with the voice answering him those questions and reminding him of his place, which only made him scream as he shook his head in denial….

Not wanting to realise and to face reality....

 

 

But what irritated him the most, was Baekhyun’s laughing face that suddenly plopped up right in front of his eyes as those questions kept flying around in his head.

Because he now knew that he was stained and filthy, that he was even more unworthy of the boy’s attention and friendship.

Jongdae knew that Baekhyun would be disgusted of him and would leave him the second he would find that out.

 

 

Since, well...., which sane person would want to be friends with a tainted person like him?....

With a loser like him....?

 

 

So he kept weeping, because he didn’t know, what to do....

He was lost....; lost and so fucking afraid of losing Baekhyun....of losing everything.

 

 

Therefore he heavy-heartedly decided to keep this to himself to not be a bigger shame than he already was and to not cause any more problems to the people that were important to him....

 

 

And even though something inside him told him that Baekhyun wouldn’t despise him, that he was no shame and that he wouldn’t lose anything, he couldn’t listen to that something in his heart, since the voice in head and the anxiety inside him were still stronger.

Which only kept him writhing and crying with his huge inner conflict that was robbing only more of his last remaining strength....

 

 

-

 

 

The next three days he also stayed at home and also refused to meet any of his friends with the apology of being sick. Even their offers of coming home to him and looking after him were refused by Jongdae.

Because in reality he was frightened, terribly frightened to meet his friends and to maybe accidentally run into Chanyeol. He wasn’t ready to face them yet, since he still couldn’t handle all those memories and concerns that plagued him. But also the ache in his body was too much to bear for him and so he wanted to wait until he could at least stand and walk quite normal again.

 

 

So about five days after _that_ , what Chanyeol and his gang had done to him, he thought that he was able to deal with the situations that were going to expect him and he was, on top of that, also finally able to walk normally again.

 

 

And, yes, walking had worked pretty good actually and also nobody had seemed to have noticed the scratch on his face due his hair style and the make he had put on.

But he had totally misjudged his mental state.

Since he had been horrified....had been totally horrified the whole school day, which had also resulted in a minor panic-attack that had luckily been seen by nobody.

 

 

Jongdae, though, also couldn’t stand any form of physical contact and winced at every little touch. He couldn’t even stand it, when somebody tabbed him on the shoulder, because with _every_ small physical contact he made with other people, the memories of this evening came back.

The memories of the evening, where Chanyeol had abused him and he didn’t know, how to deal with it....he _still_ didn’t know it....

It was just too much for him and everytime he felt the slightest touch, his body began to tense up and to quiver, also his breath became laboured and his heart clenched and pounded uncontrollably. Making it difficult to breath and to see properly, when he felt terror overtaking his system.

Awakening the urge inside him to run and to hide himself away, because those awful and crushing feelings inside him became too much to handle. They got out of control and overtook his senses. Making him shy away from any kind of contact and skin-ship that would only cause paranoia to raise inside him.

 

 

And as the boy tried to somehow deal with it and get along with those insufferable sensations and reactions of his body, he at the same tried to hide it away from his friends.

Especially form Baekhyun, since the older loved skin-ship and normally the younger would appreciate it. Would even feel comfortable with it. But now every touch only made him suffocate and tremble in fear and he tried to avoid this kind of body contact with saying that he didn’t want to infect the older.

Hoping that he wouldn’t sound too breathless and afraid. Hoping that his body wasn’t shaking too violently and that the boy wouldn’t see the tiredness in his eyes along with the wound on his face, even though Jongdae had covered it.

 

 

And Baekhyun, fortunately, somehow seemed to buy it and began to reduce his contacts and touched him more carefully from the third day on, which really relieved Jongdae.

 

 

But it didn’t make him any less frightened, because there still was Chanyeol along with his gang.

 

 

Chanyeol that was always observing him from afar and gave him threatening glares or dark and evil smirks that made Jongdae’s blood run cold. That made his breath heavy and his heart tighten in panic. That made his whole system go numb and that gave him nightmares for the following days.

Nightmares, where he was falling, falling into the dark, while he tried to escape Chanyeol and his gang as he screamed and sobbed for help. Only to wake up from his own pained cries everytime they got him and to find himself soaked with sweat and his body shivering as tears wetted his cheeks.

 

 

But nobody would hear it and help him, since his parents were heavy sleepers due their exhausting work....

 

 

So he was alone again....

 

 

Yet, this was the only thing that had happened in the first week and a half.

 

 

Because the following one his true nightmare began....

 

 

Chanyeol then began to head him off everytime after his work would have ended, which was every two days, and would force him to suck his cock.

And he wouldn’t show any mercy toward Jongdae.

No matter how much the boy would beg, cry, sob or even scream from the pain that was caused by Chanyeol’s gross cock that was stuffed in his mouth. His pleas, tears, gag-reflexes and the trembling of his body only seemed to excite Chanyeol even more and he would only ram his dick harsher into Jongdae’s already convulsed and bruised mouth.

The taller would only grip the boy’s hair tighter and yank it up with a painful stabbing motion to insult the younger.

To call him a ‘slut’, a ‘whore’, a ‘thing to please the others around him thoroughly’ and that he ‘was finally being used for his purpose’.

 

 

So it happened that in the fourth week that Jongdae was not only forced to blow Chanyeol’s cock and to swallow his cum, but was also compelled to suck his gang members’ cocks as Jungkook should record it with his phone or was rather forced to record with his phone, since he firstly didn’t want to.

And the gang members weren’t any less violent than Chanyeol. Some of them were even more brutal and slapped him as he blew their cock or the others would even kick him.

 

 

“Suck harder, you bitch! Even an old man could give me a better blow job than you!”, Namjoon had screamed at him, before Jongdae had felt a burning and stinging pain on his left cheek that had made him cry out in pain as more tears had formed in his eyes.

But he had obligated and had sucked the older boy’s cock harder as the taller had practically pressed Jongdae’s head to the base of his cock.

“Swallow it all, you cheap whore! Taste my cum and do, what you were made for you bitch!”, the boy had commanded and Jongdae had just sobbed. Because sentences like that kept falling and he felt even more ashamed of himself. He felt even dirtier, even more slutty with every batched abuse that followed the next days....even weeks.

 

 

Jongdae began to feel even weaker, even more meaningless and unwanted, because with every following time his body only reacted more severe towards the boys’ merciless violence.

His gag-reflex only worsened, his throat only ached and burnt even more, like it would have been on fire and the bruises on his body wouldn’t heal due the males’ punches and kicks. They would only made him cry louder, made him choke until he would almost suffocate with a blurry vision.

Also the wounds around his mouth would only become crustier and more bloody and his lips even more swollen and dry, no matter how much he tried to heal them.

 

And so would also develop his cuts. He would only cut his arms faster, deeper, stronger, until he would pant and sob from the pain to make the suffering ache and loathing in his heart more bearable.

To not feel completely useless and lifeless, when he was alone. To make sure that he still was alive….that he still was at least some kind of human with some kind of emotions inside his pain writhing heart.

 

 

But he hadn’t had any hope left to ever come out of this doom loop.

 

 

The only thing he really hoped and prayed for was that his parents, his friends and first of all Baekhyun would never find out. He prayed for it every single night, because he didn’t want to ever see their cloyed and regretful expressions. He didn’t want them to be disgusted of him and to leave him, especially Baekhyun.

 

 

_Baekhyun..._

 

 

The only person in his life that somehow _still_ succeeded to make him laugh, even though he actually wanted to cry due all those terrible things that were happening, was Baekhyun.

Baekhyun, the one person that was still able to somehow touch his heart in a special way. To creep his way into Jongdae’s heart. To conquer a deep spot inside it and to also keep it warm and cosy.

 

Baekhyun, who succeeded to keep Chanyeol away from him at school.

 

Baekhyun, who would always oh so gently touch him without making Jongdae jerk and flinch away too severely.

 

Baekhyun, who would always smile breathtakingly at him, like he would be something special.

 

Baekhyun, who would call him “cute”, “beautiful” and “an angel”, which was absurd, since Jongdae knew, what would happen, when the older would find out the truth about him.

 

 

But Baekhyun had nevertheless in some way succeeded to give him strength....to give him warmth, even though Jongdae felt so empty....so cold and so ashamed for being the person he was.

 

 

And this was the most ironic thing in Jongdae’s whole situation.

 

 

Because he knew that he shouldn’t even be able to feel it....the he _shouldn’t_ even feel it at all, but....but he was in love with Baekhyun.

 

 

As ridiculous as it might sounded.

 

 

But it was the truth....

 

 

He didn’t know, when and how it had even happened due all the cruel things that kept suffocating and torturing him, but it had happened.

And he knew that he wouldn’t be alive anymore now, if he wouldn’t have been to see Baekhyun’s bright and shining smile.

But he also knew that Baekhyun wouldn’t always smile at him like that....

 

 

 

And so he had decided that he would leave, when Baekhyun would stop smiling at him....

 

 

 

Because then there wouldn’t be anything left to live for....to actually fight for and to endure the pain for....

 

 

 

And even though he knew that Baekhyun would never return his feelings and would leave him, when he find out his secret, he kept falling for the boy.

 

 

He himself didn’t understand it and he wished that he could somehow suppress it.

But love wasn’t anything controllable and it would appear at its leisure, which had made him stop fighting it, although he knew that it was wrong and that he would get hurt.

 

 

But that still didn’t lessen his pain in the sixth week and he just wished to finally disappear…

 

 

Forever....

 

 

 

But as it was familiar, life wasn’t exactly known for turning out as people wanted or expected it to.

 

 

No, life had many secrets, wishes and also surprises for everybody.

 

 

 

And it just needed a little girl and two high schoolers to make Jongdae’s life turn one-eighty in a matter of seconds.


	10. 10.Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  Some heavy insults, minor-graphical violence
> 
> I apologize, when there are some spelling mistakes, I will correct them later one <33 (I was tired when I typed it, so pls forgive me ^^' <3)

“Oh my god! Thank you so so soo fucking much, Jongdae! Really! You are an angel and I swear that I’ll make it up to you! But is it _really_ okay for you?”, Zitao asked another time, his eyes having a shimmer of hope in them as his voice had a pleading and insecure tone, while he stared at Jongdae like a kicked puppy. Fidgeting around as he waited for the boy’s answer, which made Jongdae release a breathy chuckle.

“Yeah, it is. I have time, since my lessons start later tomorrow. I can wait with Mihi here for her brother and Yifan is also still here so, yeah, no problem”, he said throatily as he reassuringly nodded his head at the boy, whose face instantly lightened up at the answer. A big grin forming on his face as he hugged the smaller tightly, who twitched at the contact.

“Thank you, Jongdae! You are a fucking life saver! I really owe you, because without you my girlfriend would rip my head off, if I would be coming late to our second anniversary dinner”, the taller blabbered excitedly as he hastily gathered all his things up. And before he left, he deeply bowed towards Jongdae, thanking him again for the thousandth time, which made Jongdae chuckle silently.

“Dash off you love-sick idiot, before I rip your head off”, he huffed and Zitao just laughed embarrassedly, before he ran off.

Leaving Jongdae and the little girl alone in the kindergarten and Jongdae sighed heavily, when he heard the door close.

 

 

He then looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 19.00 PM and that he had already stayed longer than he should have, because he suddenly felt his heart clench as a picture of Chanyeol and his gang flashed through his mind.

Because he knew, what was waiting for him, when he had to leave...

And since he was late, on top of that, he also knew that they would do even worse things to him than they already normally did and he felt his hackles raise at those thoughts, while a cold shudder radiated through his body that made him shiver.

 

 

Now seven weeks had passed, since _that_ things had first happened and he felt how he was gradually losing his power and that he was growing weaker and weaker.

Since the bruises on his body were still there along with the cuts that were covering his arms and had only doubled up the past few weeks. And also his voice didn’t work properly anymore, like it would be fading away. It was croaky and raspy, which had forced him to whisper to not strain her even more.

But also this method was slowly losing its affect and he felt lost....so fucking lost, because if he would now also lose his voice, due Chanyeol’s and his gang’s abuse, then he would lose the last thing he was actually being proud of and that would break him....

 

 

Because he had always dreamt to do something with his voice, to maybe even work and earn money with it later. One of his biggest dreams that he had since he had been a little boy, was to participate in the “Youth Korean Sing Contest”, where students and young adults could show their talent and even win an award and could also get approached by managers of huge companies like SEM, YGI or JGP.

And he still kind of hoped that he would one day maybe perform there, if he would ever find the courage to overcome his fears and issues. Yet, up until this very day, he hadn’t had the power to do so and so it had remained being a wish, a dream he craved for.

But now that he was also about to maybe even lose his voice, he knew that he would never make it to there, which only broke his hear apart a little more and he felt tears building in his eyes.

 

 

Because if also that dream would vanish, he would have nothing left, beside his feelings for Baekhyun, to live for and that frightened him only more and made his heart tighten in dread.

His body began to tremble and his breath hitched as that thought kept pestering him and he just wanted to scream. To scream his soul and pain out to make those thoughts go away.

Unsuccessfully, since, he couldn’t, no matter how much he wanted, how much he tried….he couldn’t and only a pained sob escaped his mouth as tears rolled down his cheeks and he began to fall deeper and deeper into this black hole.

 

 

Something then suddenly grabbed his hand gently and he got startled out of his thoughts and looked down to see, what it was. Only to be faced with Mihi’s tired and sad face as she looked up at him with her huge brown chocolate-brown eyes.

“Does it hurt, Jongdae-oppa?”, she asked and the older furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and tilted his head to the right side as he whispered a light, “What? What are you talking about, princess?”  
He tried to sound clueless and to cover up his sadness and pain and hoped that he head understood her wrong.

But she didn’t answer and before he even had the time to react, she had already lifted the long sleeves of his sweater and revealed the yellow bruises along with old and new cuts.

“That, oppa. Those cat-scratches. Do those strange scratches hurt, because your cat hurt you, although you promised me that it wouldn’t hurt you anymore? So....do they hurt?”, she asked as he little digits brushed over the cuts, which made Jongdae flinch as his heart dropped.

 

 

She should have never seen them....

 

She shouldn’t see something like this in such a young age....

 

In general she should have never seen them....

 

No child should....

 

 

Jongdae felt this nauseous sensation forming in his gut again and he pulled away his arm slowly, before he went down and dried his tears, before he cupped her cheeks to make he lock eye contact with him.

And he felt like being shot, when he saw the irritation and hurt in Mihi’s beautiful brown eyes and he exhaled shakily, before he faked a smile under his mask to make his eyes crinkle.

“No....No, sweetheart. It doesn’t hurt. Your oppa had just thought about something sad and that had made him cry, okay? So don’t worry about those cat-scratches”, he tried to sound cheerful and reassuring as he held their eye contact, although he felt like breaking down inwardly.

After that the little girl mustered him for some seconds, before her eyes then suddenly changed. Turning bright and joyful again and she laid her own tiny hands over Jongdae’s ones.

“Okay, oppa. But, if your cat hurts you again, I will scratch her to make her see that this isn’t okay. And also don’t be too sad, for too long, because that is bad and you stop seeing the good things in life. I am soooo absolutely sure that it will get better! It always gets better and that is also, what my brother says!”, she chirped with a nasally chuckle that warmed Jongdae’s heart as he nodded in affirmation.

 

 

“I am sure about that. Your brother seems to be a wise man”, he mumbled as that oppressing sensation flared up in his heart again, because he realised that it wouldn’t get better….that he would never get out of this situation. No matter, how much he would try and wish for it.

 

 

But he didn’t show that to Mihi of course. He didn’t want to worry or to scare her and so he just pinched her soft cheeks, which made her giggle as she squirmed around playfully, before she suddenly halted.

Giving him her serious childish look, “Buut I am still mad at you for not telling me”, she pouted and Jongdae faked hurt and surprise, playing along with her.

“Really? Oh, please don’t be. What can I do that you are not mad at me anymore?”, he whined with a light voice and Mihi just grinned at him, before she gestured for him to sit back onto the bench. And so he did and crossed his legs and she sat beside him and placed her head onto his upper thigh. Curling up into herself as she yawned a, “Sing that one sing for me and I won’t be mad anymore”, while she made her eyes extra huge as she underlined them with an extra cute looking pout and Jongdae gulped as his heart skipped more rapid due the rising excitement and nervousness inside him.

 

 

He didn’t sing very often in front of other people, because he was too afraid of failing and that his voice wouldn’t be good and that people would laugh at him. Which then had resulted in him having private music lessons, where only the teacher would be able to hear him singing, beside his parents.

But now also Mihi was numbered along to that group, since she had once heard him humming the melody of ‘Rhythm is a dancer’*, one of his favourite songs, and ever since then she wanted to hear him sing as often as he could and she also didn’t shy away of using every sneaky method she had.

And one of them happened to be her kicked-puppy-look, which Jongdae couldn’t resist, because she just looked so darn cute and her shining aura would also just break through his walls and make him soft.

 

 

Like it was happening now and even though something inside him kept fighting against this warmth that was building inside him, he eventually gave up and stroked her soft black hair as he murmured a silent “Of course”, which made Mihi shine brighter than the sun.

“But you have to close your eyes for it”, he added in a warning tone and she just hummed lazily and closed her eyes as she rested her head on his upper thighs. Then he made sure that her eyes really were closed and waved his hand in front of her face. When he got no reaction he took of his mask and took in a deep breath, while he closed his eyes.

God....it had been long since he had smelled clear and fresh air that wasn’t in his room, since....well, he didn’t have that opportunity very often and so he tried to savour it, even though he was well aware that how his bruises and scratches were visible for everybody.

But in that moment he didn’t really care, because nobody would see it and as long as nobody would see it, he was kind of okay with exposing his ugly face.

 

 

So he just exhaled another long breath, before he harrumphed slightly to prepare his voice, since it was still croaky and his throat still hurt very much. And when he was sure that his voice sounded demonstrable he began to sing and tried to make the best out of it.

And even though it sounded a bit rusty, he continued singing, pouring all his emotions into the song as he forgot, where he was, who he was and what would be going to expect him later.

 

 

He forgot all of it and just concentrated onto the lyrics of the song as it slowly took control over his complete system. Transporting him into another reality and he savoured it….he savoured every moment....all of it.

 

 

_**“Rhythm….you can feel it, you will feel it, Rhythm....;** _

_**Rhythm is a dancer, Rhythm....you can feel it, people feel it, Rhythm....;** _

_**Rhythm....Rhythm is a dancer”**_ , he sang with a strong, but still quite silent and kind of breathless voice.

 

 

Getting too absorbed into his own world that he didn’t pay attention to the things that were happening around him.

 

 

 

And so he also missed that a certain somebody was watching him singing....

 

 

-

 

 

“Fuck! I am going to be late again!”, Baekhyun panted as he checked the time on his phone. He was breaking his promise to her again, although he had really wanted to pick her up earlier this time.

But something had intervened his plans and so he had almost forgotten about his promise.

 

 

It had to do something with Jongdae....

 

 

The younger had been acting so damn weird the past few weeks and he couldn’t figure out why, although he had literally tried everything. He had tried to observe him, to ask him himself, to ask his friends….but nothing had helped and also today’s plan of following him had failed, which was why he was being late again.

He had tried to figure out, what was wrong, for almost two weeks now, but still didn’t had a fucking clue or idea about why Jongdae had been acting so strange towards him lately and it made him feel kind of lost and helpless, because he knew that something was wrong.

He could feel it....hell, he could even see it with his own eyes.

 

 

Jongdae wasn’t the same person anymore. The boy had changed so much and was now looking like a nervous wreck.

He didn’t talk at all, he ate even lesser and didn’t want anyone to touch or to get near him, because just the slightest physical contact would made him jerk and sometimes even tremble uncontrollably.

And also his eyes….those beautiful dark brown eyes had lost their shimmer….their bright shine and seemed to be so cold, so emotionless….so hopeless and it broke Baekhyun’s heart to see that.

Since he loved to be near the younger, to touch him, to hug him, to caress his covered cheekbones and to remove his bangs that were always covering the boys gorgeous eyes, which was such a pity in his opinion.

He also loved to tease him, to make him feel embarrassed, to make him laugh with his melodious and honey-sweet voice and to stare in the boy’s black eyes, which gave him goosebumps everytime he did it.

 

 

Because they were so entrancing, so gentle, so warm and glimmering....they were just beautiful beyond words and Baekhyun could lose himself for hours in them.

Yet, there had always been something else in them....

Something like loneliness, sadness and pain….unbelievable strong pain, which always ripped his hear apart, because he wanted those emotions to disappear. He wanted to make them disappear, because such a perfect person like Jongdae shouldn’t feel something like that and it upset him that Jongdae thought so low of himself.

It made him sad that Jongdae didn’t believe him and would always negate or reject Baekhyun’s compliments and his attempts to show the other just how beautiful and how precious he was. What an angel he actually was....

 

 

It split and crushed Baekhyun’s heart, but that wasn’t enough to make him give up. It, on the contrary, just made him more determined to make Jongdae realise and see the truth and to make him accept himself. To shower the boy with his everything to make him see, what Baekhyun saw.

But Jongdae still continued to say that he wasn’t beautiful or cute and that he was ugly at which Baekhyun had almost lost it one time. He had felt his anger and fury boiling inside him like the fire in a near exploding volcano and all he had wanted was to beat the shit out of the people that had said things like that to Jongdae and even had _made_ him _believe_ them.

Because Jongdae was nothing of those insults. He was the total contrary and didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Nobody did and _especially_ Jongdae didn’t, who was such a good-hearted, gentle and caring person.

 

 

And now that Jongdae didn’t even want people getting near him, Baekhyun knew that something cruel and terrible must have happened, since he had never seen Jongdae this irritated, lifeless and distraught and he had sworn to himself to find out, who was standing behind this and to make their life a living hell, because....

 

 

Because he had feelings for Jongdae....

 

 

Very strong feelings....

 

 

He didn’t know, when or how it had happened, but it had.

 

 

He had fallen for Jongdae, the cute shy boy.

 

 

He had fallen for the boy, who would always blush madly, when it came to sexual things or when Baekhyun would compliment him randomly. For the boy with those gorgeous crescent-shaped and black eyes. For the boy, who always looked after his friends and tried to help them, even though he himself had lots of other problems. For the boy whose laugher was loud, whiny and melodious, which Baekhyun loved more than he could put into words, even though Jongdae thought otherwise. For the boy, who didn’t see how great and absolutely lovely he was and who thought so low of himself.

For the boy, who was the most gorgeous human being, Baekhyun had ever seen and he hadn't even seen Jongdae’s face yet.

But it didn’t matter.

 

 

He had fallen in love with Jongdae, with the person Jongdae and he would help Jongdae realise, what a special, sweet, beautiful and unique angel he was.

No matter how much time it would take him to do so.

 

 

Jongdae was worth it.

 

 

He felt it, his heart felt it, and when his heart told him something, he would listen to it, no matter what.

 

 

 

Baekhyun was then suddenly taken aback, when he reached the kindergarten and he dashed up the stairs and was about to bark into the great room, when something made him instantly halt.

 

 

It was a voice.

 

 

A beautiful voice.

 

 

And even though it sounded a bit throaty, Baekhyun swore that it was the most beautiful one he had ever heard in his whole life.

And he felt like he was being drawn towards its source. His body moving up the stairs on its own until he reached the playroom.

 

 

Only to stop, when he saw nobody other than Jongdae....

 

 

And he saw that Jongdae was the one singing with....his little sister dozing off on his lap.

 

 

That was also the moment he realised that the other wasn’t wearing his mask and that he was able to see Jongdae’s complete face.

And it was even more beautiful than he had imagined and he swore that his heartbeating stopped the moment he saw it, because he had never seen anyone with a more breathtaking face.

 

 

Jongdae’s face had an edgy form with smooth pale skin that was decorated with high and protruding cheekbones along even and pointy button nose and Baekhyun felt his breath hitch. His world stopped rotating for a moment as he kept watching Jongdae, while he listened to his entrancing voice that made his heart now beat at least a million times faster.

 

 

But as fast as this warmth, that electrifying feeling and the butterflies in his stomach had appeared, this fast they also distinguished again, when his eyes wandered to Jongdae’s bruised lips.

Because then he saw the crusty wounds along with the yellow bruises and he felt his heart tighten as a nauseous feeling built his gut, while his veins began to boil with anger.

Yet, that wasn’t the thing that shocked him the most.

Because when his gaze wandered down Jongdae’s body, his eyes stopped at Jongdae’s arms and he felt his breath hitch, when he saw the bruises along with the several recognizable cuts.

 

 

It was like somebody would have punched him into the face with a hammer and would also have torn his heart apart with a chainsaw over and over again, because....

How hadn’t he been able to see them?....

To see those bruises….those cuts....those scratches, when they had been in front of _his fucking face_??

How?....

 

 

But as he thought about that, another question suddenly plopped up in his mind and that one made his body shake as he clenched his fists.

Because....who the fuck had done that to Jongdae?....

To _his_ Jongdae?....

Who had the guts to abuse and torture him like that and get away with it, without him even noticing?....

 

 

Those questions kept rotating in his head until a picture of a certain somebody appeared in front of his eyes and he clenched his teeth.

Because _that_ one person was the only that knew him well enough to know, how he could trick Baekhyun without Baekhyun noticing it immediately…

And that only made his hatred and fury grow as he unconsciously growled “Park!” through the room.

 

 

But he shouldn’t have done that, because just by that Jongdae had been ripped out of his universe and had instantly looked up to see, who had screamed like that. Only to freeze in his spot, when he spotted Baekhyun standing in front of him.

Terror and fright then overtook him as shock spread over his whole face. His eyes widening comically as he sat up Mihi with robot-like motions, while he tried to proceed, what was happening. And when he did, he began to tremble violently.

Because Baekhyun kept looking at him with that fierce, hateful, disgusted and hurt expression and it only worsened Jongdae’s situation.

 

 

So when Baekhyun noticed it, he tried to loosen up his body-tension, but it only partially worked and he tried to slowly approach the shaking boy.

 

 

But that was the wrong move.

 

 

Because the next moment Jongdae shocked up and shied away, tears forming in his eyes as his body only trembled stronger, while he kept looking outraged at Baekhyun.

So the older immediately halted his steps. Realising that he was addressing the issue wrong and so he nervously licked his lips, before he spoke up with a calm voice.

“Jongdae, I-I have seen them....all. But....But it is o-”

 

 

He didn’t have the chance to finish the sentence as Jongdae grabbed his things and ran out of the room. Leaving a sleeping Mihi and a still shook Baekhyun behind, who still tried to proceed, what had just happened.

 

 

And just some seconds later it clicked in his head and indescribable panic rose up inside him, because how couldn’t he have thought of that earlier?....

How could he have thought that Jongdae would just stay there and would talk to him, when he had hidden it for so so long...

But then it also made another click inside his head and hatred filled his system again, because _now_ he knew, _how_ Chanyeol had succeeded to trick him...

Because Jongdae’s working place had been the _only_ one he hadn’t observed during his investigations...

 

 

So he instantly grabbed his phone, dialled Kihyun’s number and when the boy picked up, he didn’t even let the boy say ‘Hello’ as he just said in a dangerous low tone, “Park is the issue. You come to my sister’s kindergarten NOW to protect her. The others follow my GPS _instantly_!”

But when he was about to go, another number called him and he furrowed his eyebrows as he felt the urge to break something, when he picked up.

 

 

“What do you the fuck want, Jungkook?”, he snarled...

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae kept running, running and running.

Not caring to where and if he bumped into people as he ran.

He just wanted to get as far away as he could....

As far away as his feet would take him....

 

 

Because he could never face Baekhyun ever again.....never.

 

 

He knew that he had now lost everything....that he had lost Baekhyun, since he had now seen his damaged and ugly face....

 

 

He thought of Baekhyun’s shocked, despising and angry face and he just cried harder. Pained sobs escaping his mouth as his body got filled with a stabbing ache, since wasn’t used to strain his body so much.

He felt his lungs burning like fire, felt his muscles quiver and his vision becoming a blur....

 

 

Because it was all too much....all those emotions were simply too much to take....

 

 

And so he screamed now, he screamed, cried, sobbed and whimpered, since he had now lost everything....

 

 

He had lost Baekhyun forever....

 

He knew that.

 

It was a fact.

 

Nothing deniable....

 

He knew that Baekhyun was now disgusted of him and that the boy would leave him.

 

 

No wonder....with such an ugly and scratchy face as he had it.

 

 

It didn’t surprise him....

 

 

But it _fucking_ hurt....it hurt like a bitch....

 

 

He felt like he was being ripped apart alive. Like his heart would have been stabbed over and over again as the pain cut off his air supply, which made him feel dizzy.

 

 

Suddenly he trapped over something and fell onto the ground harshly, which made him shriek.

He panted heavily as he tried to make out, what had happened and where he was in his fuzzy vision. But all he was able to see, were legs. Lots of legs and so he looked up.

 

 

Only to be met with Chanyeol and his gang, who looked at him with very pissed expressions.

But before he had the time to calm down or to proceed, what was happening, he felt how somebody slapped him very hard, which made him fall onto the ground and he hit his head roughly and he whimpered in pain as another one kicked is stomach.

 

 

“Look, who’s _finally_ here”, Chanyeol mocked as he crouched down, his expression turning hard as steel as he grabbed Jongdae’s hair.

“Our cock-slut has decided to finally show up after letting us wait for almost three hours”, he spit as he yanked Jongdae’s head back to grip his throat tightly, which made Jongdae choke as he tried to wriggle out of Chanyeol’s grip.

 

 

Unsuccessfully.

 

 

And Chanyeol jut guffawed as he only gripped the boys throat tighter, making Jongdae shiver as he desperately gasped for air.

“You know, my little cock-slut. I thought I should have mercy on you today, but since you have misbehaved today, I will be more violent and we will go _all_ the way”, Chanyeol snickered, a condescending smirk on his face and Jongdae shivered as he shook his head pleadingly.

Fear overtaking his system, because he knew, what _that_ meant.

 

 

But before he even had the time to scream for help, something was already stuffed inside his mouth and his trousers were ripped off as somebody smashed his head onto the ground. That made his glasses crack and his vision doubled as a piping tone filled his ears along with a stabbing pain in his head.

That way he almost wasn’t able to recognise anything and so everything around him became a blur.

 

 

At that point he didn’t even try to fight back, because he knew that it wouldn’t help him and the he would get raped anyway....

 

 

And so he just saw, how the boys slowly removed their pants one by one and he knew that this was his end....

 

 

 

But just then he suddenly heard Chanyeol’s pained cry and felt how the boys around him disappeared, which made him open his eyes fully and look up with his doubled vision.

Only to see Baekhyun standing right there in front of him.

And he knew that it was Baekhyun, because even though he had a blurry vision, he would have been able to recognise this blonde hair everywhere.

 

 

And then he also saw other boys standing beside Baekhyun, who just nodded at them and then they suddenly attacked the members of Chanyeol’s gang...

 

 

It happened so fast that Jongdae almost thought that he was dreaming it.

 

 

But when he hear Chanyeol scream another time, he knew that he wasn’t dreaming and so he tried to focus onto Baekhyun, who had his fists clenched as he punched Chanyeol another time into the stomach, which made the already bleeding guy spit out blood.

 

 

Yet, Jongdae felt his consciousness leaving him slowly and his eyes fell shut as he rested his head onto the ground.

 

 

 

But just before he completely lost consciousness, he heard Baekhyun saying something.

 

 

 

And he could swear that he had never heard anything more clear than those sentences, although his ability to hear was now very limited.

 

 

 

“I am in love with Jongdae and you are gonna burn in hell for hurting him, Park! I will beat you up and break your bones that you will wish that you would have never been born, you fucking maggot!! I will make sure that your life is going to be miserable form now on! I will _never_ let you hurt anbody that I love _ever_ again.”

 

 

 

Then Jongdae’s vision blacked out....


	11. 11. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the companies names here are made up by myself. They are just fictional and do not refer to any real existing companies. If there are companies that are also named like that or have a similar name it is a total coincidence.

Jongdae was walking.

 

 

Just walking.

 

 

Around him darkness.

 

 

But not the one you would normally feel afraid of.

 

No.

 

It was a cosy darkness and he felt something tingly in his chest.

 

 

And suddenly, out of the blue, different round lights around him appeared.

 

 

Lights in all different sizes and colours that were surrounding him.

 

 

Some of them looked like stars, small, but shining in the most bright colour that you could have become blind.

 

 

But it didn’t blind him and he kept looking around him in awe as more and more lights kept forming and falling.

 

 

And so he looked up, just to see more and more lights and he breathed in in disbelief. A bright smile forming on his face as he stretched his arms out, trying to touch them.

Which he accomplished and everytime those sparks brushed him, he felt another wave of warmth radiate through his body that made him just smile brighter and the electroshocks in his body stronger. And the bigger the light was, the stronger it affected.

 

 

This way his breathy laughs turned into a loud laughter and he began to swing around. Stretching his arms out to his sides as the white ling shirt, that was covering him, kept flying around with his motions and he only got faster and faster.

The lights around him turning into falling stars as a calm music appeared and so he swirled around some last times, before he fell onto the ground. But that didn’t stop his laughter and happiness.

 

 

Because he had never felt happier in his whole life.

 

 

But just for some more moments.

 

 

Because something was missing.

 

 

It was just a small piece, but it was the most important one.

 

 

He felt it and so his smile slowly disappeared and along with it also the lights around him slowly vanished.

Yet, he still felt comfortable, more than comfortable, but that didn’t make the feeling of something missing go away.

 

 

So he looked around, but couldn’t see anything that could make this feeling go away.

Also he himself couldn’t think of any solution.

 

 

But then suddenly a light in front of him appeared and he looked up.

 

 

And the moment he saw the light, he felt complete.

He felt how his happiness returned again.

 

 

Yet, he was afraid.

Afraid of touching it, because he didn’t know, what would be going to happen, if he did.

 

 

And from time to time pictures of Baekhyun, of the boy teasing him, of the boy laughing at him for being shy and cute, of the boy hugging him, of the boy removing his bangs from his face as he gazed at him with those more than gentle and fond eyes, flashed through the white sparkle that made his heart skip a beat and grow heavy.

Because also pictures of his parents and his friends, being happy, appeared and at first he didn’t know what to do, with this feeling.

 

 

At first though.

 

 

But when he looked at the sparkle another time, and that time even more close, he could feel another emotion growing in his heart.

 

 

Jongdae didn’t know, how it describe it, but it was fluttery, cosy, warm and pleasant.

It felt right....so so fucking right.

 

 

And when the pictures of his loved ones flared up another time, he knew, what was the missing piece.

 

 

_Them._

 

 

He was missing _them_.

 

 

He wanted to be with _them_.

 

 

But then he would have to leave this place and return to a place he feared....he had wanted to leave all his life.

 

 

And yet, he knew that he didn’t want to leave this place, he ‘feared’ so much, because there was something precious.

The most precious thing he had ever had and he just recognised it now....

 

 

He recognised now, what this precious thing was, he had had all along....

 

 

But there was also the fear....

 

 

And yet....that didn’t seem to bother him that much as he thought it would, when he looked around the black space another time, before he looked at the spark again, which made Jongdae think about his decision.

 

 

But deep inside his heart, he already knew the answer and had already made his decision.

 

 

He would return to his loved ones.

 

 

To his parents.

 

To his friends.

 

To Baekhyun.

 

 

Because he missed them....because he loved them, because they were important to him.

 

 

And also, because he just _knew_ and _felt_ that he would return to this place one day, although he didn’t know where this feeling and knowledge came from, but he just _knew_.

Just later, a lot later, but he knew that he would be seeing this place again.

 

 

So without thinking any further he grabbed the spark, which began to shine brighter than the sun and Jongdae felt himself suddenly falling.

 

 

Falling back into life.

 

 

But he wasn’t afraid.

 

 

It was quit the opposite actually.

He felt happy. And as he thought of that he only brought the sparkle closer to his chest and closed is eyes as he curled himself up and around the bright shining light.

 

 

And the last thing he could think of, before his sight blurred was, _“I’m going home.”_

 

 

 

And as everything went completely white, Jongdae slowly began to see another light.

But a more woozy one. It still was very radiant though and so he blinked a few times, before his blurred vision became clear.

When he then saw yellow-white colours surrounding him, he tried to look around to find out, where he was. He also tried to get up. But as soon as he tried to move a sharp pain crossed his whole body and he groaned in pain, before he relaxed again.

 

 

Only to then see something beside him shift, which made him curious and so he looked over to his right side. Just to be faced with his parents sitting beside him, who were sleeping in each others arms.

But then he also noticed another figure on his left side. And when he turned his head he was faced with nobody other than Luhan, who was also sleeping. And so he tried to say something, but could only groan again, which seemed to startle another person beside Luhan, he couldn’t quite recognise.

Just when the person laid the book down and looked at him, he saw that it was Joonmyun.

 

 

Jongdae, though, didn’t even had the time to say something to him, when the older instantly woke up his parents and Luhan from their slumber, who looked sleepily at him with irritated expression, before Joonmyun mumbled, “He has woken up”.

That turned all eyes over to him and he could see that his mother immediately began to sniffle with a big, but also sad smile plastered on her face, before she shifted closer to him and took his right hand. Squeezing it tightly as he other hand caressed his right cheek shakily.

“Morning, my dear”, she breathed as she began to massage his scalp gently and Jongdae practically leaned into the touch.

“How are you?”, she asked breathy and Jongdae opened his eyes again as he tried to answer. But nothing came out and so he just looked at her helplessly, before he looked at her another time.

“I thought we were going to lose you”, she whispered almost inaudibly as tears filled her eyes, while her hands began to shake, which made Jongdae’s heart clench as he also gave her a puzzled look.

And so he looked around another time as the sentence kept repeating inside his head.

 

And then he finally realised, where he was and what he was wearing.

He was wearing a breathing mask as machines beside were beeping. He also saw that his arms were bandaged and that he had an infusion, which utterly irritated him and so he whispered out the first thing that came to his mind as he switched gazes between the four around him.

“W-Why a-am I h-here?”, he mumbled, when he looked at his mother again and she pressed her lips together as a worried wrinkle formed between her eyebrows.

 

 

“You are here in the hospital, my dear, because you got hurt really badly over the past few weeks and have lost consciousness and haven’t woken up since then”, she said tightly and Jongdae wanted to ask her, what she was talking about, when his memories suddenly came back.

The memories of Park Chanyeol and his gang abusing him, wanting to rape him, slapping and kicking him, came back and he suddenly tensed. His breath becoming laboured as the memories flashed through his head. But then also other memories returned.

 

 

Memories of Baekhyun.

Memories of the one he loved punching Chanyeol along with his gang members to protect Jongdae. And this way also this one sentence came back to his mind that Baekhyun had screamed, before he had lost consciousness.

_“I am in love with Jongdae!”_

 

 

When he thought of that he felt his heart beginning to beat at least a million times faster as he blushed furiously, because....Baekhyun, like _the_ Baekhyun was in....in love with _him_?

 

 

Jongdae kept pondering about that topic as more question filled his head. But when one question flashed through his head, it clicked and he ripped his eyes open.

“Baekhyun”, he whispered as he looked at his parents in panic.

“Where is Baekhyun?”, Jongdae rasped out and looked then over to Joonmyun and Luhan, who exchanged dubious looks and Jongdae felt his heartbeat speeding up even more as his eyes became teary.

“W-Where is he?”, he asked another time, heavy concern letting his hear drop as he turned over to his parents again, who just gave him a woeful, but reassuring smile.

 

 

“He is okay. And his friends are okay, too. He only had ha few mild injuries and was sent over to the police, after ha had been provided. Some of his friends and the gang members of the other group, too. The leader, though, Park Chanyeol, got injured pretty bad and is also currently provided in a hospital. But in another one, of course”, his mother said and Jongdae could see her eyes grow cold and her tone becoming hard at the mention of the older’s name. Even hatred and despise was evident and also his father seemed to notice this as he began to massage here shoulders to ease the tension off a bit.

But that expression on her face still didn’t disappear and it worried (and also maybe kind of frightened) Jongdae, because he had never seen his mother like that. He had never seen her this cold, angry and hurt, since she normally was a cheerful, happy and warm-hearted person and it sent chills down Jongdae’s spine to see her like that.

 

 

“That asshole deserves worse than getting the hell beaten out of him”, the boy heard Luhan scoff and looked at the older. Only to see the hatred and anger shimmer fiercely in his best friend’s eyes as his hands were shaking slightly from his tight grip of the sheets.

“This guy deserves to rot in jail and to get tortured in hell for eternity for what he has done to Jongdae. And apparently not only him”, Luhan spat and Joonmyun gripped his shoulder and just gave the boy _that_ pointed and warning look that would normally scare people off and calm them down.

 

 

But this time it didn’t work and Luhan just scoffed as he removed the other’s hand in an unwelcoming motion.

 _“Do fucking NOT give me pull-yourself-together-or-something-will-happen look_! I _know_ that you think the same, but just don’t say it out loud. I think that everybody here has the same opinion as me and I am just the only one, who really shows his anger openly. And, yes, I would also punch him in the face, break his jaw, castrate him and let him suck my cock against his will. But luckily Baekhyun has already done the greater part in my place, except for the castration and sucking part, and has beaten the shit out of him. In my opinion the trial against Baekhyun isn’t justified. But we will diminish his punishment with saying that it was self defence along with the facts and evidences we have. This way he will get free and Park will spent the rest of his life in jail.

Sehun also has an ideal how we can achieve that. It is with the help of the public and the media. This way the court is pulled towards a decision that is beneficial for us and I cannot wait to see Park being broken. So don’t you fuckin’ dare to tell me to calm down, when you yourself have struggles controlling yourself!”, he half-growled and Jongdae could feel his eyes almost plopping out as his puzzlement only grew.

“P-Punishment? T-Trial? Jail?”, he repeated questioningly, which turned all the attention on him again and he gave his parents a bewildered look, which made them both shift around uncomfortably.

“W-What has happened? W-Why a t-trial o-or all those other confusing t-things Luhan has t-talked about?”, Jongdae whispered, but his parents still tried to avoid his questions.

Only when his eyes turned harder and his tone more desperate as he pressed out a last “Please....”, his mother began to explain.

 

 

“We have filed a suit against Park Chanyeol for sexually abusing you. For insulting and also mistreating you. But it won’t be easy, since his parents are the owners of the SALGU company, which makes them very powerful. And he also has filed a suit against Baekhyun because of bodily injury, which makes the whole thing a lot more complicated than it already has been before. That is also the reason, why Baekhyun and the other’s from the gang aren’t here. They have curfew order and can only the house under police observation. So a lot of trouble is going to expect us, but we are determined to win the lawsuit after all we have heard and seen. Because....”, she stopped and took his hand again, before she caressed it lightly. Licking her lips, before she continued to speak.

“Because, Luhan is right. This cruel Park Chanyeol deserves to rot in jail, after everything the police has shown and explained to us….That was about three days ago and we still don’t know everything that has happened back then, because we are not allowed to look into the files. Only our lawyer can, but he still hasn’t contacted us back. But we have heard a lot from Luhan, this group member named Kihyun and another boy named Jungkook, who apparently had called Baekhyun and told him your location and after that also called Joonmyun, who was with Luhan back then to tell him everything. And as soon as he had finished, they both had run over to the place and had also called an ambulance and the police. After that they called us and told us, what has happened and we instantly drew over to the police station and during the drive we also got a call from the hospital, which only made us worry even more. But first we drew to the police station, where Luhan and Kihyun were waiting, since Joonmyun had went with you to the hospital. Then they both had told us, what this boy Jungkook had told them on the phone. That Park Chanyeol and his gang members had been harassing you for almost eight weeks and that he had been forced to record it, although he didn’t want to. And also that he couldn’t stand it anymore to see the boys treating you like that, because it was too brutal, which made him call Baekhyun on that particular day, since you had been too late and he _knew_ , what that meant. He also said that he wants to testify against Chanyeol, even if it means that he is going into jail. That is at least,what he has said to them and let’s hope that he really means it. After that, we instantly called our lawyer and told the police that we want to press charges. So we did and after that immediately drew over to the hospital to see, how you were doing and we were so relieved, when they told us that you are going to heal without any scars or further damage being left….But they couldn’t say, when (or if) you were going to wake up, even if you would heal properly, which was the reason while they put you in a kind of half-stasis, which made us worry to death. And after that it didn’t get better, when a really bad massage reached us, because then we heard that Park Chanyeol is the son of one of the most influential families and we knew that we wouldn’t make without any help. And even Baekhyun’s wouldn’t be enough to help, even though they are CEO’s in the MUANJA Company. So we needed another plan, which Luhan had already told you. We also need the help of the public and I am sure that Sehun can arrange that, since that boy seems to have contacts and friends everywhere. But we also have another ace in the hole”, she explained and looked over to Jongdae’s father, who got, what she mean and began talking as he also laid his hand on top of theirs.

 

 

“We also told our CEO of SANMA the next day that we wouldn’t be able to work for a while, because our son needed us. And at first they weren’t really open to that, since we are one of their best men. But after I got a bit angry and almost, well, screamed the reason at the CEO, he allowed us to and also apologised for doubting and hindering us and that he would help us, if we would need his help. That was the moment an idea plopped up into my mind and I instantly explained the idea to him. But he didn’t say anything and said that he had to think about it, since he didn’t know, if that idea would pervade to the headship, since it is a very risky idea. But they called us today in the morning and said that they would this lawsuit. But only because it is a good advertising for them to get more eminence. And since we now also have SANMA on our side, the lawsuit will be a lot easier. It is very tricky and sneaky, I know. But Park Chanyeol’s parents also use sneaky methods and will do everything to bring a verdict of not guilty to their son. But like I said, SANMA also has their tricks and since they know now that the son of one of their largest rivals is the accused one in this trial, they are going to put in everything to get Park Chanyeol going into jail and to ruin the company’s reputation. I know that this sounds pretty harsh, but that’s how the industry works and this is the only chance we have to win this. And now that you have also woken up after almost four days, they will also want to speak with you and our lawyer to discuss the further steps. But first you are going to rest and heal properly, before we will come to that part”, his father said and looked fondly, but also concerned at him with his deep green eyes and Jongdae just nodded slowly as he tried to take all this information in that they told him.

That, though, made a kind of comfy-uncomfy silence fall between them.

 

 

But he nevertheless kept thinking about it and also understood it, but stayed silent. Because as he kept repeating the painful memories in his head, along with the information that he had received now from his parents, only one thing got stuck in his head and erased all the other thoughts. And he knew that he shouldn’t think about something this banal, since there were other things to worry about. Yet, that was the only thing he now could think of….

No matter how hard he tried not to.

 

 

It was about Baekhyun.

 

 

Again.

 

 

And also that memory.

 

 

That faint and yet so clear memory he had, before he had fainted.

 

 

And that memory kept bothering, because....why would Baekhyun love him?

 

And him out of all the other people that were around the boy?....

 

He was nothing special....

 

He wasn’t beautiful....

 

He didn’t have any talent and the only thing he did was being a burden and cause trouble....

 

On top of that he was now also dirty and filthy....

 

 

So _if_ Baekhyun hypothetically really loved him now, he wouldn’t anymore in the future....

 

Because nobody would want to be together with a dirty person. With a person, who wasn’t pure anymore...

Also was he the reason that now Baekhyun would have to suffer through a lot, which was only a stronger motive to leave him.

 

 

And that thought made Jongdae cringe and jerk as his heartbeat fastened up from the pain and fear that built inside him. That slowly conquered his body and left him breathless as he felt tears forming in his eyes, which made him close them immediately as he withdrew his hand and turned around. Wishing that he would disappear. And a that the memory of that black space came back to his mind and he asked himself, why he had even left that place.....

He had been happy there....

He hadn’t been a burden there and didn’t worry anybody in that space....

Why had he even returned and decided to leave it, when he just caused problems to the ones he loved?....

 

 

He kept blaming himself and his pain only got stronger, which made his body shake as he began to cry. Broken sobs and whimpers escaping his mouth as the wish to go back there grew inside his chest.

 

 

But just then, he remembered, _why_ he had even returned and didn’t stay there and it only worsened his situation....

 

 

He had returned, because he _missed_ them....because he _loved_ his parents and his friends....

 

 

Because he wanted to see them again....

 

 

To see Baekhyun again....

 

 

Because he _loved_ the boy....

 

 

But now that there was the possibility of the boy hating him, he was getting anxious and all he wanted to do, was to disappear....

Or to reverse time to stop this things from happening....

 

 

But he couldn’t and so exactly that insecurity broke his heart into a thousand pieces, which made only more tears escape his eyes, because he didn’t want that to happen....

 

 

He didn’t want Baekhyun to hate him....

 

 

Because he didn’t know, what he would be going to do, if that was gonna happen....

 

 

And that moment he felt arms enveloping his figure that were also turning him around, even though he did a bit reluctantly. But he did and when he felt the radiating warmth around him as he was slowly niddle-noddled, he continued to cry his soul out.

 

And so for the first time in years, he let all his emotions out and cried them out in the arms of his parents and in the presence of his closest friends.


	12. 12. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Angst and fluff!

"Hey, Jongdae", the boy heard a soft voice say and looked up. Only to rip his eyes open and let his jaw drop, when he was met with nobody else but Baekhyun.

 

With nobody else but a slightly smiling Baekhyun.

 

It seemed to be kind of a sad smile though and yet...his eyes were telling a whole another story.

They were warm, bright and...shimmering with fondness. Almost as if he would be staring at Jongdae in amazement...and love...

 

 

Jongdae felt his insides cringe at that and a repressive feeling settled in his gut. Making him feel sick and dizzy as this chilly sensation slowly filled his whole body. Making him shiver, goosebumps appearing on his skin as his doubts and memories of the past few weeks came back.

 

It made his stomach twist as he felt the urge to throw up and cry...

 

 

Because he knew, _what_ Baekhyun was going to tell him.

 

He knew, _why_ the boy was here...

 

 

He was here to leave him...

 

 

Why he thought that?...well...

 

 

The last two weeks had been quite uneventful. He had to stay in the hospital to heal fully and also had to attend certain activities to fasten the process.

It had went quite good and so he had been released a week ago.

 

But he hadn't really minded those training sessions, since those had kept him distracted from his inner conflict and this pain.... this wrenching and shattering pain in his heart.

 

 

Because Baekhyun hadn't contacted him in those two weeks...

 

He also hadn't visited him, nor had he written Jongdae any message through KTALK.

 

And even though his gang members, now also part of his own circle of friends, had visited him and had told him not to get worried about it, because also they hadn't heard anything from him due the police curfew, he had kept pondering about it.

 

 

So soon he had also began to doubt and to question almost everything again, because those thoughts had returned again and had kept plaguing him ever since then.

 

 

_What if Baekhyun was disgusted of him now and didn't want him anymore?..._

 

_What if he wasn't in love with him anymore?..._

 

 

_Love...._

 

 

Jongdae felt his heart being shot as tears began to built in his eyes at those thoughts. His heart tightening in pain and anxiety.

 

Doubt and horror filled his system as the scenarios of his dreams flashed through his mind.

 

 

Scenarios if Baekhyun visiting him and calling him a 'whore' or a 'filthy faggot, who isn't worth living'.

Somebody, who should just disappear, because he was useless and disgusting.

Because he was tainted and not pure anymore.

 

Scenarios of Baekhyun laughing at him and telling him that he was an idiot for believing that Baekhyun actually felt something for him. That it was ridiculous and that he would just have been an instrument to piss Park Chanyeol off.

 

Scenarios of Baekhyun kissing other faceless guys and girls in front of him and saying that he was meaningless...valueless... a wimp.

A useless wimp that nobody wanted....that nobody needed and that nobody would ever love a weakling like him.

A dirty person, a powerless person, who wasn't able to protect anybody...a loser like him.

 

 

And everytime he dreamed of those scenarios, he woke up sweating, shaking...crying.

Tears dripping from his eyes, wetting his cheeks as his muscles twitched fiercely.

 

Only making him cry and whimper harder as he curled into himself. The aching pain in his heart destroying him. Eating him up like a worm that spread through his whole body.

 

Leaving him limb, without any power left in his muscles as he felt his heart shattering over and over again.

 

 

He felt like being ripped apart into bloody little pieced over and over again until nothing would be left of him anymore.

 

 

And he felt exactly like that now...

 

 

With the only difference that _this_ was _real_ now...that this wasn't just a simple nightmare.

 

 

This was really happening now...and he exactly knew, what was going to happen now.

 

 

Baekhyun would say exactly those things and leave him...

 

He would say that he wouldn't want Jongdae anymore, because he had ruined the older's life. That because of him he had to go through a trial now and would be going to get punished.

And that it all was only Jongdae's fault, because he was too weak...

 

 

 _"Yeah, you are a faggot! A disgusting maggot without any pride left! Without any worth! It would have been better, if you would have died back then, when Chanyeol's gang had beaten you up, instead of involving Baekhyun and causing him problems. Don't you see it? You are just a troublemaker and the world would be better on without you!"_ , the voice in his head screamed and he whimpered tightly in his throat as the tears began to escape his eyes.

 

His erratically beating heart crushing under the burden as he began to tremble violently. His muscles twitching as his breath became uneven, when he looked up to Baekhyun again.

 

 

Only to then feel the urge to cry out loudly, when he was met with the other's surprised and yet...hurt eyes. As if Baekhyun would be sad and also...suffering.

 

Suffering because he saw Jongdae like that, which was ridiculous.

 

 

Why would he look at the smaller like that?....

 

With such pained, yet tender eyes, as if he wanted to protect Jongdae...like he would be something precious...

 

 

It was unlogical and it puzzled Jongdae, because people, who were about to toss somebody away, wouldn't look at the person like that. With such fondness, endearment, amazement, hurt....and also anger in their eyes.

 

It was strange and Jongdae only began to cry harder. Loud sobs and sniffles escaping his mouth as his world began to spin.

 

His vision becoming a blur...

 

 

When Baekhyun saw that he instantly moved towards Jongdae to hug and to calm him.

 

But when the younger shied away, he stopped his tracks and stood still as he felt how a bullet pierced his heart. Making the pain and anger only grow, because he couldn't understand, why the other was crying and shying away from him.

 

 

It hurt him and it split his heart to see the one he loved in such a wrecked state.

 

And it angered him even more, because he couldn't make it better, even though he wanted to.

 

He wanted to embrace the younger tightly, to hold him close and to protect him from all this cruelty in the world. He wanted to make the tears and pain go away and to replace it with happiness, laughter and love.

 

 

He wanted to make Jongdae happy.

 

 

He wanted to hear his laugh.

 

 

This cat-like cute and light laughter.

 

 

He wanted to see that glowing shimmer I'm those breathtakingly dark eyes. He wanted to show Jongdae the world's good and beautiful sides and gift against the bad ones.

 

He wanted to shower the boy with affection and love to show him how gorgeous, perfect, talented, endearing and important he was.

 

Because Jongdae deserved all the happiness the world...

 

 

"P-Please g-g-go...", he heard a quivering voice say that brought him back to reality and he looked up.

 

Only to be met with a still crying and shaking Jongdae, whose eyes were teary and angry red. Pain visible in them and Baekhyun felt his heart drop as he furrowed his eyebrows in a devastated and utterly confused manner, because he couldn't understand, _why_ Jongdae wanted him to go...

 

 

"D-Don't make t-this a-any more painful t-than i-it already is", the other choked out, which irritated Baekhyun even more.

 

 

 _"What was going to be more painful? And why would I leave because of that?"_ , he asked himself.

 

He just couldn't understand it and so he kept gazing at the sobbing boy.

 

 

 

Jongdae, on the other hand, felt desperate, because he didn't know, what more he could say to make the situation any clearer. Hadn't he been he clear enough?...

 

So why was Baekhyun still there?...

 

Looking at him like he would be talking nonsense, when the other clearly knew, what Jongdae was talking about...

 

 

The smaller dipped his head down and sniffed as he wiped his tears away. Feeling how his lungs contracted. Preventing him from breathing properly as he tried to gather all his courage up to say those stabbing words out loud.

 

Those words that would break him into thousands of pieces. Those words that made him tremble with fear and his insides scream not to do it. Telling him that he shouldn't say them and that they were wrong, which he knew somewhere deep inside.

 

Yet...the ugly voice in his head, that kept insulting and encouraging him, was louder and so he whined and cried only more tears ass he pressed the words out.

 

Heaving his head up your look into the taller's hurt and puzzled eyes.

 

 

"I-I....know, w-what y-y-you were...were about t-to tell me...", he muttered and felt a sword piercing his his heart as it was twisted around inside his bleeding heart.

 

Making him exhale shakily as he choked on his breath. Balling his hands into fists as he maintained eye contact.

 

"That y-you d-don't want m-me anymore.... T-That y-you...a-are disgusted of m-me a-and want me o-out o...of your life.... Because I-I am tainted a-and a wuss, w-who has ruined y-your life....

A-And believe m-me...I k-know that. I...I know t-that I am w-w-worthless", Jongdae choked out a broken cry, before he continued with a more than jittery and anxious voice as he looked away.

 

"I...I-I know that...b-but you don't n-need to...to tell me t-that y-you don't want me a-anymore, b-because I am f-filthy... I know that m-myse-"

 

 

He tried to stutter out with a tight voice, but was stopped, when he suddenly felt something hugging him closely.

That made him rip his eyes open and he was faced with Baekhyun, who was enveloping him tightly in his embrace.

 

 

It irritated Jongdae as alarm bells rang in his head and he tried to wriggle out of the other's firm, yet so secure and comforting, hold.

 

But it had no use.

 

Baekhyun only wrapped his arms tighter around Jongdae as he nuzzled his head more into Jongdae's neck, which made the smaller give up and relax his body as he kept weeping.

 

 

And then he felt it.

 

Felt the other shaking and heard his laboured breathing and again he wondered why Baekhyun was reacting to and treating him like that.

 

 

It made no sense....

 

 

Except...Except Baekhyun didn't plan on leaving him alone...

 

 

At that thought Jongdae's eyes grew wider and his heart skipped a happy beat as he breathed in deeply.

 

 

Could it be?...

 

 

Could it be that Baekhyun wasn't going to throw him away?...

 

And that...that he was going to stay?...

 

 

Thoughts like that kept floating around in his mind, but he didn't really had the time to think about them, when he was again ripped out of his thoughts by a wavering voice.

 

 

"No...", he heard Baekhyun mutter.

"No....I am not going to leave you. Never. I would _never_ leave you Jongdae", Baekhyun said shakily, but determined as he detached himself from the boy to look him in the eyes.

 

His slender hands cupping Jongdae's wet cheeks to make the boy also look at him.

 

 

"Why would you think that?", the older asked. Hurt and sadness clearly evident in his voice as his eyes began to shimmer glassy.

 

It made Jongdae gulp and his heart burst from all the blurred emotions inside it as he tries to find an answer in his fuzzy mind. Trying to proceed something logical in his head as he opened his mouth.

 

Only to choke out a pitiful whimper as he felt new tears building in his eyes, because he couldn't.

 

He couldn't utter a single word, because there were just too many thoughts in his head that continued to blur his mind as he kept gazing at Baekhyun, who began to brush the tears away. Softly wiping away the wet trails with as he carefully caressed Jongdae's eyelashes with his thumb.

 

Making the smaller flinch slightly, before he relaxed and leaned into it.

 

 

Leaned into the gentleness and care that was giving him...yeah, that was giving him a feeling of safety.

 

 

So he opened his still wet eyes again and was met with Baekhyun's concerned, pained, but utterly warm and fond ones.

 

He could stare into those eyes for hours. Yet, he didn't had the chance to, when he heard Baekhyun asked those question.

 

 

"Is it because you haven't heard anything from me for two whole weeks?", the boy asked in a smooth voice and Jongdae ripped his eyes open and stared outraged at the older.

 

 _"H-How does he know?...."_ , Jongdae asked himself as he tried to force the question out.

 

 

But Baekhyun just shook his head and sat himself beside the smaller in his bed. Never letting go of the boy's face and never breaking eye contact as he have the other and apologetic, but tender smile.

 

"It was practically written all over your face...and I also assumed that due the things I heard from you before and also from other people around me", he explained in a calm and soothing voice as he stroked Jongdae's left cheek, while he took the boy's hands with his left one.

 

His eyes turning sad, but remaining fond and filled with pure love at the same time as he kept staring at Jongdae. A light smile playing at the corners of his lips, when he squeezed the younger's hands and removed some bangs from his face, which made Jongdae blush as he inhaled deeply.

 

 

Now being able to see all the emotions that crossed the other's and it made his heart beating quicker, when he saw Baekhyun's undeniable and strong affection....the love that was spreading from his eyes.

It stunned Jongdae and he began to ask himself again, if his assumptions had been wrong and what was going to happen next.

Yet, before he could sink any further into his inner chaos, Baekhyun's voice ripped him out of his daze as he cupped Jongdae's left cheek again.

 

 

"Don't say such things ever again, Jongdae. Please", the taller whispered, his face turning upset and his eyes sorrowful, which bewildered Jongdae another time.

But again he didn't have the time to think about it as Baekhyun continued talking with a gentle, but serious tone.

 

 

"It is not true. Nothing of that. And it hurts me, and everybody else around you, to hear you say such things. Because _nothing_  about you is ugly or filthy. Nothing has ever been and will never be, Jongdae.

You are perfect the way you are, Jongdae.

You just have to see it yourself. And I will help you."

 

 

Baekhyun stopped, bringing Jongdae's right hand up as he gave the knuckles light, but firm kisses that had Jongdae's heart racing. His face turning tomato-red as he held his breath.

 

His world beginning to spin, when the older looked up again, squeezing the hand again as he tightened his grip on Jongdae's cheek, while he said loud and clear,

 

 

"Because I am in love with you, Jongdae. I have been for a long time. And I will make you see your beauty."

 

 

Meanwhile turning Jongdae's arm around and moving the sweaters sleeves up, which made the smaller shiver as a tight feeling formed in his gut again. As fear rose inside him again, when the cuts on it were showed.

Yet, it was immediately erased, when he saw a shimmer of grief and endearment wash through Baekhyun's eyes, when he kissed the scars on Jongdae's arms.

Making the boy twitch and blush in a scarlet-red colour as he continued to pepper kisses all over the boy's arm, before he looked up to the younger again.

 

 

Cupping both of of Jongdae's heated cheeks as he gave him a determined, but mellow look.

 

"You are beautiful Jongdae. No matter what scars or flaws you have. For me they don't matter, because they make you even more perfect.

They make you _you_.

And you are incredible.

 

And I am so so sorry that I couldn't show it to you and only made your doubts and self-consciousness worse over the past two weeks. I could really punch myself for that now.

But I wasn't allowed to go out. Not even to visit you, because they thought I would run away and beat Park up to death. But I swore them not to and pleaded them on my knees to let me go.

But they didn't let me out due the police curfew they had put on me. I also wasn't allowed to talk to anybody, who wasn't my family or my lawyer. They also took away my computer and my mobile phone along with everything else they could use against or for me....

 

So I couldn't contact anybody until they would have checked and matched everything. And when they _finally_ found out that I wasn't lying and that me and Jeon Jungkook had said the true, which also suited the evidence on the phone, they finally let me go.

 

And the first thing I wanted to do was to visit you in the hospital. But you weren't there anymore and so I went to your home yesterday...

But your parents didn't want to let me in and told me to go since you were emotionally unstable. So I went away...really furious...

Not even my friends were able to calm me, because I couldn't understand, why they wouldn't let me visit you..

And only, when Luhan came and told me everything that had happened....like literally _everything_...from your past up until now, I began to understand...

 

So I tried it another time today and after a lot of pleading and discussing they ultimately let me to you."

 

 

He stopped again.

 

Breaking off eye contact with a still heated and jerking Jongdae, who looked at him with wide eyes. Not being able to wrap his brain around that, what the other was telling him.

But again he didn't have any time to order his thoughts, when the taller looked at him again. With a seriousness Jongdae had never seen before.

 

 

"So let me tell you that you aren't dirty or filthy, Jongdae. No matter what has happened. You aren't ugly nor in any way worthless. Don't listen to those assholes in your past and _definitely_ do not listen to what Park has told you. Because you are _none_ of those things, Jongdae.

 

Believe me. _Please_ , believe me", he pleaded as he shuffled nearer to the overwhelmed boy.

 

 

"You are gorgeous, amazing, caring, selfless, cute, wonderful, adorable, talented and incredibly strong in every fucking single way. You are the most admirable person, for enduring such pain and suffer through all those years. I know. And you are still able to smile even though so many bad things have happened. You are still able to smile and laugh with those soft and cat-like lips.

I fell in love with that smile, even though I couldn't see it. But I imagined it. But I don't only love that about you. I love your soft hair, the way you blush, when I tease you and I could get lost in those black eyes of yours. They are breathtaking.

 

But I love your voice the most...

 

This angel-like and salient voice of yours that holds hundreds of emotions and messages inside it. That wants to be hears and seen. That wants to be showed and is filled with your desires and wishes and I will help you to make people see it.

 

Because it is staggering.

 

Believe me.

 

And believe me too, when I say that I want to make this pain, fear and doubt go away and replace it with content feelings...

Because I want to show you your worth. I want to show you your importance and beauty, because you have never seen nor appreciated it...

You have always put the other's needs first and totally forgot about yourself and your wishes, dreams and needs. You forgot, what you are worth because of assholes that deserve to feel twice the amount of your pain.

I want to make you see it. I want to make you believe in yourself and to make you see, how beautiful you are. I have wanted for a long time. Since we had grown closer and closer. And before I even knew it, I have fallen for you and wanted to be there for you and to protect your.

And that day...when I saw your bruises on your soft skin and saw you singing for my sister I felt those feelings and this need stronger than it has ever been before and I swore to myself to teach the assholes that have done this to you a lesson. Also in the future I will do the same over and over again, if somebody even dares to hurt you.

Because when I saw those wounds it hit me like a slap in the face. I felt a thunder hitting me and anger and disbelief rose inside me...and disappointment. Because I was so angry with myself. So angry and upset that I wasn't able to protect you. It really made me realise so much. My feelings, your suffering, your pain and the need to tell you everything and to really be there for you and to ask you for another chance since I had failed back then.

But before I could do that, all those things happened so fast that I didn't have the chance to tell you, because, yeah, we know, what had happened afterwards. And I was worried sick, because even though the police told me that your condition was getting better, I didn't know how your mental state was and it worried me to death, because I assumed how you thought about yourself. And now that it was confirmed from your friends and, well, also from you, let me tell you one thing.

 

You are not a bother Jongdae. You are not worthless or useless. You are not a burden and you have a right to talk about your problems and to let your emotions out...

 

To finally let hem out after having suffered for such a long time. You can let them out now...

Nobody will judge you. Nobody.

 

Because it is human. You are human and it is okay to show emotions and to tell, when so etching is right or wrong...

 

So please don't hide anymore, Jongdae", Baekhyun said softly and Jongdae held his breath.

 

 

Because Baekhyun was right...

 

 

He didn't want to bother anybody and be a burden...

 

 

Or even disgust somebody...that was why he had been afraid and had kept it all hidden away from the others.

 

 

And now that it was revealed he didn't feel, how he had expected to.... He had expected to feel anxious...and desperate.

 

But all he felt was relief, pure relief. As if somebody would have lifted a burden from his shoulders. Making all the emotions inside him bubble up and he felt himself tearing up again.

All the suppressed sadness, anxiety, self-consciousness, worry, doubt, but also happiness, ease, love and mirth coming to the surface. Making the tears in his eyes escape as he felt such lightness wash through his body as he had never felt it before.

 

 

So when he looked up, he began to cry, cry hard, loud, pained, happily....He didn't know. He, though, also cried, because he still saw Baekhyun's tender and admiring eyes. Watching him filled with love, even though he now knew about his secrets and dirtiness...about his other true self he tried to hide for so long.

The boy still had the same shining eyes with which he had looked at him all along and it made Jongdae's heart go crazy as he slumped forward into Baekhyun's chest. Clutching at the older's white sweater as if his life would depend on it, while his sobs only became louder.

Turning into wrecked cries and screams as hair body shook uncontrollably. All the emotions just too much for his system. Too overwhelming and making him burst out.

 

 

And even though he felt the urge to fight it...he couldn't...and also kind of didn't want to anymore.

He had kept all those emotions locked up long enough and now he just wanted to let it out. To let it go

He wanted to let it all out and to let himself go.

 

 

And Baekhyun's body heat, along with his strong arms enveloping his figure as the older whispered soothing get words into his hair, made it all a lot easier. Bit also more painful due the negative emotions.

 

 

Yet... he felt more secure, more warm, more home and more at ease than he had ever felt before in his whole life.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae had almost cried for two hours until he had finally began to calm down.

 

So after about three hours he he was fairly tranquil again and had, after a lot of tossing and turning, eventually decided to ask this question.

 

And even though the voice inside his head tried to stop him, the love and braveness inside his heart was stronger and so he looked up to Baekhyun, gulped hard and said it.

“S-So you’re going to stay and continue to be my friend?”, he asked, blushing shyly, because he somehow already knew the answer deep down.

 

 

When Baekhyun then chuckled lightly, a warm smile spreading over his face as he cupped the boy’s cheeks again, Jongdae’s assumption was confirmed.

“Yes, I will stay, Jongdae. About the second part, though. No. I won’t be your friends anymore”, he said and Jongdae’s fears were about to return. But they didn’t have the chance to, when he heard Baekhyun say, “Because I want to be your boyfriend, Jongdae. I want to shower you with my love and replace the pain with happiness in your heart. I want to be with you as your lover, Jongdae.

I know that it is hard to trust my words so easily. But I beg you, Jongdae..., I promise that I will prove myself to you. Really. So if you just have the slightest of the feelings I have for you, I plead you to give me a chance and to not push me away. Please”, Baekhyun said. Voice wavering as his eyes became anxious and insecure, which made Jongdae’s heart skip a beat as he let the words sink in.

 

 

Because he couldn’t believe it…

Couldn't believe that Baekhyun wanted to be his boyfriend. It seemed so surreal answer yet was the evidence right in front of him...

 

It triggered his emotions to come out since, yes, he _had_ feelings for Baekhyun. Since ha also was in love with Baekhyun and wanted to be with him.

 

 

But he still was terribly afraid. He was terrified. Terrified to admit it and to just say that one word out loud due he doubts that began to fill his heart again.

 

Doubts and fears that made him heart aching and a cold chill run through his body, because...

 

 

What if Baekhyun wouldn't love him anymore?...

 

 

What if Baekhyun would soon grow tired of him and leave him, because he would change his mind?

 

 

What if Baekhyun would, nevertheless, find him disgusting and dirty?...

 

 

Questions like that kept stirring around in his head and he was about to refuse, when he was met with those gentle eyes again. Glistening with honesty and tenderness, which made Jongdae's heart jump another strong beat.

Making him feel cosy and tingly. Making a powerful heat radiate through his veins and other positive feelings settle in his heart that began to fight the devastating ones.

 

 

And again this internal conflict began inside him that made him feel desperate.

 

 

But the positive ones were another time too weak and again he wanted to push Baekhyun away, even though something inside his heart told him not to.

 

 

Yet, he didn't even have the chance to say something, when Baekhyun asked that one question.

 

 

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

 

 

And that made Jongdae go wild. The warm and content feelings overflowing him and filling his body totally. Making his head dizzy and his heart beat like crazy.

And again he contemplated a new decision, even though he somehow knew that he had already made one deep down in his heart.

 

So it happened that his body reacted on its own and he answered a quiet "Yes".

 

 

Only when he then heard Baekhyun's huffed laugh and saw his breathtakingly bright smile, he realised, what just had happened.

 

And he expected to regret it...

 

 

But he didn't.

 

 

He didn't regret it one bit.

 

 

And when Baekhyun leaned forward, connecting their foreheads as he deeply looked into his eyes, Jongdae found himself blushing again as an unfamiliar bright feeling spread through his heart.

 

And when he heard Baekhyun whisper a breathy, but sincere "Thank you", Jongdae felt his feelings double up.

 

But it wasn't enough to make it burst.

 

 

Only when Baekhyun kissed his forehead, he felt his heart exploding and he clutched onto Baekhyun's hands that were cupping his face. Feeling too overwhelmed by the softness and tenderness of the kiss that Baekhyun was placing on his forehead.

And then the older separated himself from the younger and looked into his eyes again. His face less than an inch away as he asked "Can I kiss you, if that is okay with you?", which made Jongdae blush tomato-red.

He was a bit afraid to be honest...but he wanted it. He wanted Baekhyun to be his first kiss and so he nodded in his dizzy state and the next moment he felt those soft lips against his own ones and gasped as he closed his eyes.

 

Letting himself getting lost into the cosy feeling good as his heart threatened to break his ribcage.

 

 

The voice was still there, telling him that he would regret it later.

 

But this time he shut the voice down and let his feelings consume him.

 

 

And that moment he knew that he had made the right decision.

 

 

Because he had never felt happier in his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me, what you think! <33
> 
> And if you want to, you can also leave kudos! ^3^


	13. 13.Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wohooo! I finally was able to write this chapter! *-*   
> I had a lot of things going on and I also had to find a good idea first...
> 
> I hope that my writing is still as good as in the previous chapters and stories, or maybe even better, and that you are going to enjoy this chapter.   
> I couldn't write a lot or get a lot of ideas. But it got better again and I am going to try my best!
> 
> I also would be happy about your feedback! So comments would be really helpful, but only if you want to, of course!^*^ >o<
> 
> So enjoy!
> 
> WARNING:  Some heavy insults, minor-graphical violence and self harm

Six months had passed since the incident and five since Jongdae had gotten released from the hospital. But it hadn’t been easy for him those following five months.

 

Nothing had _ever_ been easy for him…

 

 _Yes_ , he went to a therapist on a regular basis.

 _Yes_ , his wounds and bruises had gotten treatment and had healed.

 _Yes_ , he did talk with his therapist about his feelings.

 

 

But not always about his true ones...

 

 

About the ones that haunted him. That were eating him up. That were ripping a deep black hole into his heart that swallowed him.

He didn’t always talk about the voices...the _words_ that were terrorizing and mocking him in his head, in his dreams.

He didn’t mention how his skin itched, how his heart raced and how his panic rose, when somebody just dared to mention Chanyeol’s name.

He didn’t talk about the way he clawed his skin open just to get rid of that burning ache that made him feel so dirty.

 

 

That made him feel so filthy and worthless...

 

 

Jongdae didn’t talk about it, because it reminded him of those moments...

Of the moments he had been beaten blue and black and had been abuse. Of the moments, where he had felt like he couldn’t breathe, where his world had been spinning. Where he had lost the ground and feel into this evil darkness that had paralysed him. That had made his body ache so much that he hadn’t been able to do anything.

That he hadn’t been able to move a single muscle, let alone to fight or to defend himself...to stand up for himself.

 

It made him sick and gag and just claw harder at his skin to get rid of those feelings.

 

Of the guilt and shame that overwhelmed him and ripped his heart apart. That gored it with knives over and over again until the pain would become unbearable. Until he would scream and cry in pure agony.

 

 

He didn’t tell the therapist _all_ of that those past few weeks, because he felt…

he felt just so so utterly ashamed and fragile, if he would admit that he wasn’t able to deal with it and that he felt like all of it was _his_ fault.

 

That he felt like almost getting raped was his fault, because he hadn’t been able to fight back. That if he would’ve been just a little bit stronger or confident it all wouldn’t have happened. If he would’ve just been less clumsier, he wouldn’t have ever run into Chanyeol and knocked him over.

If he would’ve just been a tiny bit more careful, he wouldn’t have gotten beaten up or sexually abused...

 

 

So it was all his fault...

It was Jongdae’s fault that he got into that situation and now he had to deal with it.

 

 

And yet...a small voice in his heart spoke up and told him otherwise. Told him that it wasn’t his fault and that he shouldn’t be ashamed of himself or blame everything on him. And that it also would be proven by the crime investigations and the trial against Chanyeol.

This tiny voice whispered soothingly that he would talk about it. That nobody would blame or judge him for being hurt or not being able to cope with it. It told him that it was okay to feel pain and that he didn’t need to suppress it and pretend to feel alright. That he should talk about it to face and to process it.

It said that he wasn’t alone. That he didn’t need to deal with it all by himself. That he had people that loved and cared for him like his parents, like his friends...

 

Like Baekhyun.

 

 

At that Jongdae jerked violently. His body shaking as he hugged himself tighter on his bed, while he kept scratching his arms. His breath heavy and ragged as he thoughts of Baekhyun appeared in his head.

Of this pure, caring, overly sexy and absolutely perfect boy.

Of this boy, who had crescent-formed brown shining eyes. Who had the cutest button nose ever and the most breathtakingly bright rectangle laugh. Who had an angel’s voice and the softest and most slender hands ever.

Of this boy, who was, surprisingly, his boyfriend, which Jongdae still found hard to believe sometimes.

 

Since he couldn’t understand, how somebody as flawless as Baekhyun would want a tainted, worthless and weak person, such as him, as a boyfriend.

The boy couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t find any reasonable explanation that didn’t involver pity.

Because..., why else would Baekhyun want to stay with Jongdae, if it wasn’t out of pity? So Baekhyun, this pristine and radiant person, had a heart made out of gold that harmed him more than he noticed.

 

Another option wasn’t logical enough that would explain, why Baekhyun had stayed with somebody as hopeless as him.

 

Why else would one stay with somebody that was depressive, disgusting, weak and didn’t have the ability to just cope with his problems as quickly as a normal person did.

 

 

Why?

 

 

“Why?”, Jongdae sobbed and gritted his teeth, when the voice in his pained heart answered softly.

 

_“Because he loves you.”_

 

But that wasn’t the truth.

 

“It’s a lie”, he gasped as he clutched his his knees, like his life would be depending on it.

 

 

 _“Yeah, that's right you faggot!”_ , the voice in his head mocked.

 _“He doesn’t love you or at least not anymore. Who even would? Somebody with such problems and complexes as you is condemned to stay lonely and doesn’t deserve it. **You** don’t deserve it, you slut!”_ , the voice yelled and Jongdae squeezed his eyes shut as he covered his ears to shut that voice out that began to sound more and more like Chanyeol’s.

 

 

It didn’t work, though.

 

 

And so the voice only got louder and louder...

 _“You worthless slut! Go die! You don’t deserve Baekhyun!”_ , Chanyeol’s voice laughed madly.

 _“Why would he want a used whore, huh? Even more so, when you sucked his ex’s cock?”_ , the voice thundered cockily and suddenly Jongdae’s vision blurred. His room slowly disappearing as found himself on the cold asphalt ground again.

Surrounded by the shadows of his abusers again, when he suddenly was met with Chanyeol’s condescending grin.

Then he felt the itching pain crossing his body, making him collapse as he rolled into a ball, holding his gut. It caused him to gag as he tried to control his breathing, when the voices slowly began to fill his head.

 

_“Suck my cock, you whore!”_

_“Yeah, the only thing a gay orphan maggot is good for!”_ , another one laughed.

_“You filthy pansy. Crying like a pussy!”_

_“You naive slut, thinking that you could escape me”_ , Chanyeol cackled madly.

 

 

 _ **“NEVER!”**_ , the voices screamed at one time and only became louder.

 

 

Making Jongdae whimper as he dug his nails into his skin. Biting the inside of his cheek to push those overwhelming emotions away.

 

But they simply were far too near the surface...

 

 

And so the pain, the guilt, the shame and the disgust hit him full force. Like a punch with a barbel in the gut.

It made him gag another time and he began to claw at his skin as he shook his head. Tears and snot running down his face as he pleaded the voices to leave him alone. His own one already shaky as the silent whimpers turned into panicked gasps as he scratched the healing wounds on his arms open again, while he created new ones around his throat.

A desperate attempt to pull those suffocating hands away and to fight for air...

 

 

Unsuccessfully...

 

 

And so his heartbeat got out of control. His air supply got cut off and his vision slowly blacked.

 

 

Yet, before he fell unconscious, he felt a strong pair of hands gripping his arms and shaking him carefully as somebody called his name.

That brought him back, but didn’t help the panic attack.

So he fought against those hands that were holding him. He kicked and boxed in an attempt to free himself from the grip...from the grip that seemed to take away his freedom...

When the grip didn’t loosen, though, he began to scream.

 

“Let me go!! I don’t want to! I-I don’t want t-t-to! P-Please!”, he begged and the hands released him and cupped his face instead. Forcing him to look up only to be met by no other than...

 

Baekhyun.

 

 

By a shocked and sickly worried Baekhyun, whose eyes reflected all kinds of emotions. Especially the bright shining sadness that was emphasized by his furrowed eyebrows.

It calmed Jongdae slightly.

Made him less jumpy and shaky.

 

 

It, however, didn’t stop the tremors in his body or the dark memories that were still clouding his head. It didn’t stop the tears from running down his face or the distraught wheezes that left his mouth.

 

On the contrary.

 

It worsened it shortly after.

 

Because now Baekhyun had seen his worst side... _again_. Had seen how pathetic he was. Unable to control his emotion and stay strong. Baekhyun had now seen another time what a useless boyfriend he had…

Fragile, filthy and unworthy...

 

 

He had seen it again, even though Jongdae had tried his best to hide it. To show Baekhyun that he was the tiniest little bit worthy of him. Of his attention, his laugh, his sweet kisses, his reassuring whispers and loving words.

 

Baekhyun had given him more than Jongdae could’ve ever hoped for.

The boy had given him love and appreciation and, on top of that, the patience of a saint. Always making sure that Jongdae was okay with everything they were doing.

He always asked, if it was okay to kiss Jongdae or to hold his hand, since he didn’t want to trigger Jongdae’s memories of being caught or held down. Baekhyun would always kiss him ever so lightly, but tenderly and caress his hands or the outlines of his face, like he would’ve been something rare that needed to be worshipped.

 

They hadn’t gotten past that until now, though. Even though Jongdae had desperately tried to take it further.

But he couldn’t, because of his complexes, the memories and the pain that still were too severe and present to ignore.

 

So he had tried not to wear his mask, since he wanted to give Baekhyun something back for his kindness. And Baekhyun loved his face, so he had tried that and it worked most of the time, when they were alone.

But he still wore the mask on a regular basis, when he went out or to school.

In that case, however, his therapist had also been able to help him a lot, since he had felt more comfortable talking about his self-perception than the memories of the abuse. He had talked about his past, what people had called him and how they had treated him. How they had insulted him and how it had made him feel.

 

 

At the beginning it had been very difficult to open up, because he had been afraid of getting judged or laughed at.

But Dr. Liu hadn’t had any kind of such emotions in here eyes. He only had seen the sympathy and kindness, before she had given him a soft smile and nod. Like she would’ve tried to tell him, ‘It’s okay. Take your time, I won’t push or judge you.’

After that he began to open up more and more and they edged their way deeper into Jongdae’s heart. Tearing the walls down carefully, that he had built around himself.

 

It still, though, hadn’t been enough to help him get rid of the habit, which meant that he _still_ didn’t have a way to make Baekhyun proud _or_ happy.

 

 

And it was that thought that triggered something inside him and he cried out. Shaking his head, before he looked back up to Baekhyun again.

“I-I-I’m sorry...I-I’m so s-s- sorry, B-Baekhyun...; I-It’s my fault”, he hiccuped, fisting his hands.

“I-It’s a-a-all my fault...Everything...; I-I know I s-shouldn’t cry, but...but the pain”, he gritted his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut.

“T-The p-p-pain is just t-too much….Everything is”, he breathed.

“T-The pain, C-Chanyeol…t-the me-emories, t-the panic attacks. _A-All_ of i-it...; I-I c-cant handle i-it anymore”, he whimpered.

“I _know_ t-that it’s m-my fault...; I-I should be a-able t-t-to deal with it..., but I c-can’t....”, he quieted down, opening his teary eyes to look up.

“But I can’t…I can’t…I c-can’t and I’m sorry...., I am so s-sorry to disappoint you”, he whispered.

 

 

He wanted to go on, but wasn’t able to, when he felt strong arms enveloping him and pressing him against Baekhyun’s warm and solid body.

That action silenced him instantly.

It came so out of the blue that he didn’t know how to react or what to do.

His mind just shut down for some seconds.

 

 

His body, though, knew, what to do. Knew, what it wanted, what it _needed_.

So it moved on its own and he too wrapped his arms around Baekhyun. Holding him light, as he hid his face in the crook of the other’s neck.

Body trembling and twitching as he cried all those bottled up emotions out. Heavy whimpers and heart-breaking grunts falling from his mouth as Baekhyun just held him. Caressing the back of his head. Threading his fingers through the smooth black strands as he rubbed his left hand over Jongdae’s back.

Soft said “Shh”s and “It’s okay”s meaning to calm Jongdae down as the older just pulled him closer.

 

 

The younger boy didn’t know for how long they had stayed like that.

But that didn’t matter, when he finally calmed down and heard Baekhyun’s small voice.

“It isn’t your fault, Jongdae. It never was and will never be. That those cruel things happened to you isn’t your fault. You are not weak, Jongdae”, Baekhyun stated. His now tight voice leaving no room for any arguing.

 

 

The older one then loosened his grip to look Jongdae directly in the eyes.

“You are one of the strongest and most beautiful persons I know, Jongdae. I know you don’t believe me. But I will show you and make you see it yourself. No matter how long it is going to take.”

He stopped, licking his lips nervously as his eyes became shiny. Tears forming in them, but they didn’t blur the honesty or love in those as eyes, as Baekhyun cupped Jongdae’s face gently with both hands.

“I love you, Jongdae. And I am proud to be your boyfriend. I promise that I will never leave you. _Never_. I will stay to make you understand what an amazing, kind, loving, strong and unique person you are…”, he trailed off, his lips quivering as he smiled weakly. His eyes closing as he furrowed his eyebrows.

Like he would be thinking or would be in pain.

That stunned Jongdae.

 

 

But the words shocked him even more, because...

 _Why_ in the world would he ever leave Baekhyun?

That would be the most stupid thing he could ever do.

 

 

“W-Why would I ever do that?”, he asked puzzled.

That caused Baekhyun’s head to snap up. His eyes widened, eyebrows drawn together and mouth pressed into a thin line. Even his hands were shaking and his body tensed up.

Everything about him was practically screaming fear, panic and uneasiness, which worried Jongdae, since it was the first time he ever saw that kind of freaked out expression on Baekhyun's face. He even thought that Baekhyun would bolt every second and run out of the room.

 

 

And leave him there alone.

 

 

“It is my fault you got hurt”, Baekhyun forced out. Voice strained and hard that it made Jongdae jerk as his eyes widened.

“You got hurt because of me. Because of _my_ past with Chanyeol...; He wanted to hurt me and he knew exactly how to do it”, he continued as he gave Jongdae a pained look.

 

Baekhyun exhaled shakily and rubbed his hand over his face in exasperation. Groaning frustratedly, before he sniffed and looked up to a flabbergasted Jongdae.

“I never wanted to tell you, what happened between me and Chanyeol. I hoped I never had to. But you deserve to know. You deserve to know, why Chanyeol did that to you and _why_ it _isn’t_ your fault. Why it is _my_ fault...; Because all of that just happened because I had relationship with him...”, he paused.

Sighing again as he sat on the bed in front of Jongdae. Rubbing his face as he searched the right words to begin with.

 

 

Finally then he looked up. Eyes filled with doubt, pain and worry. His muscles twitching ever so slightly as he opened his mouth.


	14. 14. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there~
> 
> Soo, here's another update! I hope youre going to enjoy it! o(>ω<)o

“Chanyeol and I we go way back to the beginning of high school. That’s where it all started...”, he trailed off. His lips quivering as he ruffled his hair. Long heavy breaths leaving his mouth, before he continued.

“I transferred here at the beginning of high school and got along easy with everybody. I made some friends and became quite popular pretty quickly due my outgoing and talkative personality. That woke Chan- Park’s interest and I, sadly, cannot say that I hadn’t felt attracted to him, too.”, he scoffed. His smile turning tight and somehow sad as those suppressed memories filled his head.

“I know it’s more than cliché to fall for a bad boy”, he continued. His eyes becoming shiny as he looked at Jongdae’s expression.

“But I was naive and stupid back then and didn’t want to listen to all the bad rumours about him. Since rumours can be false, and that on purpose, to put that exact person into a wrong light. I didn’t, and still don’t want, to be like many people and believe rumours, but rather give every person a chance to prove themselves. I did the exact same with Park…”, Baekhyun’s voice broke as his body twitched.

His eyebrows furrowing as his eyes hardened. Hatred, pain, disappointment and especially.... _regret_ crossing them as he maintained eye contact with the younger.

 

 

“And it was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life”, he forced out, Voice hoarse and as poisonous as venom that it made Jongdae flinch, but shift closer towards Baekhyun at the same time.

He wanted to give the boy comfort and show him that it was okay to talk. That he wouldn’t judge Baekhyun in any way. So he took his shaking hand and squeezed it gently, before he intertwined their fingers and gave the other a reassuring nod.

Jongdae didn’t know how, but it actually helped Baekhyun to calm sown. The quivers stopped and the previously pained expression turned into a totally stunned one, before a small smile played at the corners of Baekhyun’s lips.

The older boy’s breathing evened out and he squeezed Jongdae’s hand back. Lifting it up, before he kissed every single digit, which made Jongdae’s cheeks blush in a ruby-red. It amused Baekhyun and he chuckled, kissing Jongdae’s hand one last time, before his face turned deadly again.

“Long story short. Just two months into my first high school year we got together and well…it was okay at the beginning. I knew that he had some aggression problems and could become quite possessive or rude. But it happened rarely and he apologized everytime, so I let it slide every single fucking time, even though it slowly began to get onto my nerves. But never once has he beaten or insulted me during our relationship, which still find rather impressive, because six months into our relationship the problems started.”

 

 

Baekhyun tensed slightly and took a deep breath. Trying to collect his thoughts, before he spoke up again.

“He became more aggressive and possessive over me, since I spent much time with my friends Jimin, Taehyung and Kihyun. He demanded that I break off contact with them and only spend time with him. But I, of course, told him that it was crazy, since I also don’t force him to do the same and that I am not a thing to own. That I have my own free will. After that retort he became really angry and began shouting and insulting me and I just dashed away. I couldn’t stand being near him and just went to my friends...”, he sighed.

“There I broke down and cried my whole soul out. I cried and cried, because I had had never seen him like that and it frightened me.”

Baekhyun’s voice wavered as he added, “I had been scared as fuck and yet, yet I somehow....I hadn’t been able to leave him, even though this warning sing had practically been slapped in my face.”

 

 

He sniffed, his breathing grave again, while his eyes hardened. Anger and disappointment radiating from them as Baekhyun opened his mouth.

“It went on like that for another month, before....before I found Park beating up Taehyung in the back of the school yard”, he spat. Tone condescending and merciless, which frightened Jongdae a little, since he had never seen Baekhyun this open and...vulnerable.

Jongdae had never seen that emotional side of the other, which only made the moment more special and important.

 

Baekhyun trusted him.

 

The other showed him his trust by opening himself up and sharing this story.

Baekhyun showed him his most vulnerable side and most painful memories and Jongdae felt his heart speeding up nervously. He knew that the other needed him and Jongdae would do anything to be there for Baekhyun. To show the other that he could be trusted and was _worthy_ of Baekhyun’s trust.

That he was worthy of Baekhyun’s love.

So he began to caress the boy’s slender and soft fingers as a silent encouragement to go on. That it was okay and that he wouldn't judge Baekhyun for whatever he would tell him next.

 

 

The other got the hint and smiled weakly. His eyes turning indefinitely sad as he went on.

“I saved Taehyung and got into a fight with Park, where he almost slapped me. But he had been able to restrain himself and we didn’t talk for a whole week first. During that week I also got to know why he and Taehyung got into a fight...”, he took a deep breath. Eyes filling with tears as he set his jaw. His expression turning vicious and hateful as he hissed.

“It was because that fucker had cheated on me for the past four months. He had slept with half the school and had been bullying people again. When I heard that I lost it and immediately searched Park. When I finally found him I yelled at him and even punched him. I threatened to sue him, if he wouldn’t stop harassing others and intimidating my friends, but that fucker-”, Baekhyun’s voice cracked.

A silent sniff escaping his mouth.

“That fucker just laughed at me and told me that I couldn't do anything, sine he could easily buy people with money to make them shut their mouth. Except for my friends, of course. But ‘Who would believe the friends of one’s ex, if that one was suing the ex?’, he asked me and at that moment I saw, what he meant and cursed myself. Because I had handled the situation too rash, without a plan. But what he had told me next had angered and frightened me beyond imagination.”

 

 

The older licked dry lips, tasting the salt on them as he remembered that day. Park had cornered him against a wall with a shit-eating grin on his face. But his eyes had been cold and calculated. Even condescending as if he would’ve been disgusted of Baekhyun, which had hurt and irritated Baekhyun more that moment than he liked to admit.

Because that moment he had realised how wrong he had been about Park. And how getting involved with him had been the worst decision in his life.

Baekhyun sighed exasperated and shook his head. His fist only clenching tighter as he prepared himself to tell, what had happened next.

His body tensing up and shaking as if a lightning bolt would’ve hit him, when he said the sentence.

“And then...then he had the audacity to threaten my little sister. He threatened to hurt her, if I would sue him and that it would be going to be my fault, if she would get hurt. That _everything_ he was going to do to another person would be on me, if I would dare to tell anyone. That…that shattered me...; That very moment I had gotten destroyed.”

 

 

Baekhyun closed his mouth, his sniffs only becoming louder as he clutched Jongdae’s hand like his life would depend on it. And Jongdae shuffled closer, letting Baekhyun bury his head in his shoulder as Jongdae hugged him with his left arm.

Rubbing gentle circles into the muscles, while he tried to get out of his own shock.

 

Park Chanyeol had threatened Mihi!?

 

“ _What a cowardly and cruel thing to do_ ”, he thought angrily. Threatening to hurt a helpless little child.

“Fucking asshole”, he muttered and got startled, when he heard Baekhyun’s raucous chuckle.

“I indeed agree. He is one of the lowest human beings I know”, he added and Jongdae felt himself getting flustered, because he hadn’t intended to say that out loud. But before he was able to dwell any longer on it, Baekhyun had already talked up. His voice quiet and croaky.

 

 

“I was outraged and helpless after that moment. I didn’t know, what to do. I was devastated and just cried, when I went home with Taehyung, Jimin and Jin. I told them, what had happened. They had been as shocked and speechless as I have been and....well. We all didn’t have a clue of how to take action. It continued like that for two weeks until a girl approached me, with whom Park had cheated on me.”

He laughed lightly and shook his head.

“Funny thing is that now we’ve become close friends after she helped me to blackmail Chanyeol. She had come to me to show me pictures of Park”, he grunted, a smile spreading on his face as he thought of the pictures.

“Of Park in girl’s underwear”, he cackled and Jongdae’s jaw dropped as he pictured it. It was hilarious and he snickered along with Baekhyun, who looked up at him with adoration forming in his eyes. The chocolatey colour shining softly as Baekhyun lifted his left hand to caress Jongdae’s jaw. Making the boy’s breath hitch as a crimson-red blush decorated his cheeks.

 

 

“Your laugh is so beautiful, Jongdae. _You_ are so beautiful, Jongdae”, Baekhyun breathed in wonder as he touched the other’s provident cheekbones. Feeling the smooth creamy skin beneath his fingertips as he asked himself how such a wonderful person could’ve fallen in love with him.

He couldn’t understand it.

Jongdae could’ve had _anybody_. Joonmyun for example. The older adored the boy and everybody that wasn’t blind or had an IQ of a fly could see it. Jongdae could’ve chosen so much better and yet...yet he had chosen the boy that was responsible for what had happened to him.

It was a mystery to Baekhyun.

 

 

But he didn’t want to think about it and relish the time he got with this beautiful boy, since it could end any second.

The taller’s face distorted grimly at the thought of that.

“Right, the story...; I almost forgot”, he thought to himself as he straightened his back. He cleared his throat, before he spoke up.

“Her name is Seulgi and she wanted revenge, because Park had insulted and bullied her friend Wendy. So she sent me the pictures. And don’t understand me wrong. I don’t have any prejudices against somebody’s sexual preferences, so if you like girl’s lingerie or want to try it out, go for it. But Park didn’t have such kinks. Just the thought of it would’ve been humiliating for him and so I instantly went over to Park and showed him the pictures.”

 

 

He scoffed satisfied, “I still can remember this dumb and embarrassed expression on his face. God! It had been the best day of my life. I ordered him to leave his victims, my friends and especially my sister alone or I would leak the pictures of him. After I said that, he became so furious.

Baekhyun laughed humourlessly. Making the noise sound like acid, before he went on.

“He was as red as a tomato, but didn’t come near me, because I had my finger over the ‘send’-button. That fucker knew that I had him and even though he hated it, he promised to do exactly, what I told him to do. That day I also broke ‘officially’ up with him and thought that everything would be going to be okay. But it wasn’t...”, Baekhyun’s voice wavered as he breathed in deeply.

His hands shaking as he squeezed Jongdae’s, who pulled the older closer again.

 

 

“Park was frustrated and outraged, because he didn’t get, what he wanted. He always acted like that, so his parents would give him everything he wanted. Therefore he isn’t used to not getting his way or not getting what he wants. He would do everything just to get his way...; So it was no wonder that he totally got out of control and just a week later he got drunk and drove to my little sister’s kindergarten, where he…where he....”, Baekhyun faltered.

Tears leaving his eyes as he slumped against Jongdae. His voice quiet and shaky, almost breathless as he continued talking.

“Where he grabbed and scratched her arms....; He....He shook her so violently that she fell down and hurt her head and at that exact moment I came. I saw, what he just did and how the kindergarteners had been unable to calm him and I just....lost it. I punched him, yelled at him. I tried to hurt him as much as I could, before the workers were able to separate us. I had just seen white and before I had been able to think rationally again, I already posted the pictures of him. Ever since then we are at war....; And he did, what he had threatened to do....”, Baekhyun’s voice drifted into a mere whisper.

“He continued to hurt innocent people and the moment I began to help them, he would search another one and bully them even worse. It was like a doom lop and I felt so guilty and responsible for that was happening to them. It made me feel so sick that I began to party and sleep with random people. It was the worst. If it wouldn’t have been for my friends, I still would be caught in that dark hole.”

 

 

Baekhyun sniffed as pained choke left his mouth, which caused Jongdae to hug him closer. He practically pressed Baekhyun’s head to his chest as he ruffled the boy’s hair to calm him down.

Yet, it barely had an effect as he heard Baekhyun’s muffled cries that broke his heart into thousand little pieces. The boy hadn’t deserved something like that. He had done nothing wrong except loving the wrong person and it angered Jongdae. He had the desire to squash Park Chanyeol with a hammer for hurting Baekhyun. For breaking his heart like that.

 

 

“T-That’s why him hurting y-you is my fault, t-too. I...I, unintentionally, blurted m-my interest in you into his face t-the time I first time he threatened you and so he knew, what t-to do in order to hurt me. He knew how to press my buttons to make me feel guilty and useless. Park did _everything_ he did to you just to hurt me...; Maybe partly also, because you knocked him over and embarrassed him. That had instantly awoken my interest in you. And after that...after that I couldn’t help but falling for you....; But that doesn't excuse that it is my fault that you got abused. Therefore I don’t deserve you...or your forgiveness, because I am the one responsib-”

Baekhyun wasn’t able to finish, because he felt how Jongdae yanked his face up to lock eye contact with him.

 

 

The younger boy’s black eyes filled with a fierceness and determination as Baekhyun had never seen it before.

“You are _not_ responsible for Park Chanyeol’s behaviour. You are _not_ to blame for anything _**he**_ did to you, me or anybody else. _He_ is the one to blame for hurting you and all those other people. You’ve got nothing to do with it. You tried to help those people, to protect them. To protect me. It shows what a wonderful passionate and caring person you are, Byun Baekhyun. You are marvellous, Baekhyun. And I love you for that”, he stopped, taking a deep breath to calm his trembling hands.

“You are _nothing_ like Park and will never be. _Nothing_ of what has happened to me is your fault. That I got hurt and abused is only Park Chanyeol’s fault. He is the one that is responsible. He is the one to blame...”, Jongdae trailed off as realisation settled in his bones.

Hitting him like a punch in the face.

 

 

Park Chanyeol was responsible for his pain...for Baekhyun’s pain....

 

Not he himself....

 

Park Chanyeol was the reason for his nightmares, his panic attacks and his self-consciousness...

 

Everything bad that had happened had been because of Park Chanyeol...

 

 

_It wasn’t _ **his**_ fault..._

 

 

His heart sped up as he felt his body shaking with an overwhelmingly light feeling as he had never felt before. He felt his eyes widen as his breath hitched.

 

 

It wasn’t his fault....

 

 

It wasn’t his fault...

 

 

It wasn’t his fault..

 

 

_It wasn’t his fault._

 

 

“It isn’t my fault”, he whispered in astonishment as he kept staring at Baekhyun, who just looked baffled at him.

 

“It isn’t my fault”, he repeated.

 

“It isn’t _our_ fault”, he repeated loudly, before he surged forward and kissed Baekhyun, who squeaked at the sudden action.

 

 

Yet, he quickly composed himself and kissed Jongdae back. Slowly and passionately. Mapping out the other’s delicious lips carefully, before Jongdae retrieved and just hugged Baekhyun.

“You have no idea how much I’m in love you, Baekhyun”, he breathed and Baekhyun felt his heart skip a beat as he hesitantly hugged Jongdae back.

“So...you’re not mad at me?”, Baekhyun asked shyly and Jongdae vehemently shook his head.

“No. Never”, he whispered and Baekhyun felt butterflies bubbling in his stomach as he pulled Jongdae closer. Inhaling the sweet orange scent as they just enjoyed each other’s presence.

 

 

Besides, how could Jongdae leave Baekhyun after the boy had helped him with something he had been struggling to see for almost five months?

How could he be mad at such a cute and precious human being?

After the boy had made him feel something besides depression, pain and loneliness?

 

It wasn’t possible...

 

 

Because for the first time _ever_ in his life had he felt carefree, angry and particularly happy…

 

 

It was wonderful.

 

 

_“Just keep being delusional you-”_

_**“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”**_ , the voice in his heart screamed and the voice in his head disappeared.

 

 

 

And for the first time in his life he felt truly relaxed and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would also be glad about your feedback and what you think. I would be happy about yout comments, but it isn't a must.❤


	15. 15. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! (￣З￣)
> 
> So, I tried to make the court scene as realistic as possible. I also did some research on the korean law and court system, but sadly couldn't find much that would give me a clue, who would give the culprit his sentence. It was also hard to find their punishments for said offences against the law.
> 
> So the court scene here is a mix of the court system and my imagination, which makes the court in this story fictional. So here the judge and sidejudges will announce the sentence and the prosecutor and lawyer just make suggestions for the culprits sentence. But the judges have the final words.
> 
> I also looked up how much the sentences for abuse, harrasment, aussault, stalking, intimidation and defamation are in my country and just took those sentences. But I purposely changed the numbers of the articles and subparagrphs. So if the articles or subparghraphs should match those in other countnries it is total coincidence!
> 
> Also remember that this is fictional and a fictional court! It isn't meant to insult any court in the world, should the changes facts match some facts in the real world!
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING!: minor description of violence, heavy insults and a +18 scene
> 
>  
> 
> So, yeah, elsewhy, have fun reading and tell me what you think! ^3^ o(>ω<)o o( ❛ᴗ❛ )o❤❤❤

Jongdae was shaking.

 

Literally shaking as he observed his fiddling fingers.

 

His heart was pounding to the top of his lungs, making it hard to breathe.

 

Turning every breath he took into agonizing cuts that blurred his vision.

 

Even the slightest movement made him jump as the panic crept up his spine.

 

Making his skin crawl as he shuddered.

 

His thoughts were shattered, just flowing around.

 

 

It was making him even more anxious.

Making him terrified as he felt his palms turning sticky with droplets of sweat rolling down his temples. Covering his whole body as he clenched his hands into fists.

 

 

He didn’t dare to look up. Just the thought crossing his mind made the grey fog in front of his worsen as his heartbeat turned uncontrollable. Even painful to a point, where he wasn’t able to control his frantic breathing anymore.

Adrenaline pulsating through his veins. Worsening the twitches and the tremors in his body as he desperately tried to focus on something. Anything.

Even the glass in front of him.

Everything just not to have to look up and be faced by...by Park Chanyeol.

 

 

His worst nightmare.

 

 

No... _this_ whole _thing_ happening around them was a cruel nightmare and an angelic blessing at the same time.

 

 

Because today, in just a few moments could Chanyeol get his punishment for his crimes.

 

 

Yes....... _could_.

 

 

It wasn’t sure, _if_ he would even get a sentence at all due his lawyer.

 

Kim Heechul.

 

One of the best and quirkiest lawyers in South Korea. He was famous for twisting and spinning the truth for getting his clients acquitted of even the most severe charges.

Even if they were guilty.

Therefore it was no wonder that the people also called him ‘The Devil’s right hand’. Since only he had a succession quote of one hundred percent. He always managed to drag out gang or mafia members out of the shit.

 

 

He had done the same thing in this process. Trying to twist the truth to make Chanyeol look like the victim. He even had the audacity to claim that it would have been Jongdae’s fault for provoking him and that Jongdae and Baekhyun just would have wanted revenge, because Chanyeol had broken up with Baekhyun. That all of this would’ve just been an act of jealousy and revenge.

After that, though, turned out to _obviously_ be untrue due all the evidence and Jungkook’s video, Kim Heechul found another explanation for Chanyeol’s ‘innocence’.

The man insisted that his gang members would have forced him to hurt Jongdae. That he had never had the intention of doing something that cruel in the first place. He claimed that Chanyeol’s friends would have also threatened him, if he wouldn’t have done it. With Jungkook being the main culprit, since he had clips and pictures of Jongdae getting abused.

He claimed that Jungkook was the one that needed to get punished and not Chanyeol.

 

 

And if the court really believed him would be going to be revealed in just a few moments....

 

 

It was because of things like that that people respected him.

 _Feared_ him.

 

 

A year had passed now since the incident and five months since the trial had started.

It had been a torture for Jongdae…

It had been hell itself.

 

Because everytime he had entered the courtroom he had been a shivering and flinching mess. Always jerking, when someone unexpectedly moved or made a noise. Jongdae hadn’t been able to sit still nor to contain his panic, whenever he caught Chanyeol staring viciously at him. An evil grin plastered on his face as his eyes glowed with pure venom and hatred. Even repugnance.

Yet, Jongdae had managed not to break down or faint most of the time, even though every fibre in his body had practically screamed at him to run. Had shouted at him to get as far away as possible, which most of the time had just worsened his nausea and the urge to throw up.

It had only worsened his need to hide himself and to cry. To scream out all the suffocating pain and crushing weight on his chest that made it difficult for breathe for him. It had even tarnished his ability to see or think clearly.

 

 

It had been a living nightmare.

 

 

What had only aggravated the situation, was when he had finally made his testimony, where he had needed to describe, what Park and his friends had done to him.

 

How they had beaten, slapped and kicked him...

 

How they had insulted and abused him...

 

 

Jongdae had needed to describe every single thing....

 

 

_Every...single...fucking...detail......._

 

 

But he hadn’t succeeded to do it in one go.

 

 

The memories and trauma had become too painful, too vivid....too real.

Like it would have happened yesterday, where they had forced him on the ground and fucked his throat mercilessly. Making his jaw ache as they slapped his face and pulled his hair repeatedly until he would be begging for mercy. Until he would be shaking and weeping uncontrollably from the violent spasms that crossed his body.

From the crushing pain in his chest that caused his heart to hammer and his lungs to feel like they would be on fire. Until their come would be leaking from his bloody mouth with bruises and cuts decorating his whole body.

Just those thoughts made him shake as he had tried to describe everything. And the further he got, the more severe his reactions became...

 

 

It had reached the point, where he hadn’t been able to breathe properly anymore. Where he couldn’t form a coherent in his thoughts without stuttering.

All the things that had been happening around him had become a white mush and his vision had blurred.

His mind picturing those sentences and their contemptuous grins as they hit him. Words like “Faggot!”, “Cock slut!”, “Worthless whore!” flashing through his mind and making him hiccup. Silent cries leaving his mouth as tears had decorated his pale cheeks.

 

 

Shortly after that he had blacked out and the court sitting had been intermitted for five hours to help him calm down again.

It had worked.

But the testimony had still felt like torture after that.

 

 

Jongdae had been more than relieved, when that day had finally come to an end and he had been able to cuddle with Baekhyun later on in his home on his bed. Crying and sobbing silently into the boy’s neck as the older had rubbed his back. Leaving gentle pecks on his messy black locks and wet cheeks, while he had dried the wet tear patches.

Followed by Baekhyun joining his family for dinner and kissing Jongdae breathless in his room. Nibbling on the sensitive spot behind the younger’s ear that made Jongdae moan and clutch Baekhyun’s shirt.

The older had seen that as an encouragement and continued to leave bite marks and hickeys all over Jongdae’s shoulders and collarbones. Mindfully trying to avoid the younger’s throat, since he knew that Jongdae didn’t like it to be touched there, due the actions of his middle school bullies.

They had often grabbed his neck and had thrown him around. On several occasions they had even sprained his head and one time one boy had even gagged him so hard that he had bruises and cuts from the fingernails.

So that Baekhyun had paid attention to that in that moment had only made Jongdae feel warmer as he felt how his love and adoration for the boy doubled. And the sweet words, like “Beautiful”, “Gorgeous” or “Sexy”, between those sinful kisses had just made Jongdae blush harder as Baekhyun had begun to rub his nipples through his shirt. At that Jongdae had begun to unconsciously roll his hips in despair against the older ones as he spread his legs to give him more space.

 

 

That had had Baekhyun’s sweet smile turn into a smirk and he had slipped one hand under Jongdae’s shirt and placed the other above the boy’s crotch, applying slight pressure that had Jongdae whining needily.

Yet, he instantly ripped his eyes open after that sound had left his mouth and his crimson-red bush darken about fifty shades due his embarrassment. He had intended to his his face and reactions, feeling ashamed and thinking that Baekhyun wouldn’t like them…or even find it disgusting how easily he became turned on.

But Baekhyun would have had none of that and had kissed Jongdae breathless another time. Telling him how cute and breathtakingly beautiful he was falling apart like that under Baekhyun’s touches. How enchanting and sexy it was to see the expression of pure bliss on the smaller’s face and how much he appreciated it that Jongdae trusted him like that.

How much it meant to him that Jongdae opened up to him like that and even trusted him to go as far as they had gotten, after everything he had been through.

 

 

Baekhyun couldn’t put it into words how valuable Jongdae’s trust was to him.

 

 

So he continued talking, complimenting and touching Jongdae.

Teasing his nipples with his hands and mouth. He pinched and bit them until Jongdae was a whimpering and shaky mess due their oversensitivity. Until even the cool air surround them was too much of a sensation.

And when Baekhyun had gently squeezed his balls through his boxers he had cum with a loud cry. His body arching and writhing as he had clutched the pillows above his head.

It had been the best orgasm in his life, which had caused him to drift to dreamland rather quickly with Baekhyun spooning him.

 

 

That night he didn’t have a nightmare.

 

 

And in the three following months they became lesser and lesser, even though he had quite intense flashbacks during the trial. But every time he had them, either his therapist, his family, his friends or Baekhyun were there to help him.

To calm him and help him deal with his emotions. To recognise, _what_ was the trigger and how he could work against it. It had really worked and gradually his anxiety attacks grew decreased and he barely had any nightmares, since he learned how to face his fears and how to fight or deal with it.

 

 

Yet…all that training and progress seemed forgotten the moment the side doors opened and the judges entered. His head snapped up and he got up in slow motion. Like only he would’ve been paralysed, while the other’s around him were moving far to fast. And the only thing he was able to hear were his uncontrollable heartbeat and the main judge’s cough.

Everything else was unclear...hazy.

The noises were dull and in his vision he only saw the blurry judge’s frame...

 

 

Jongdae felt his heart being ripped apart as an ice-cold shudder ran down his spine, when the judge opened his mouth.

 

 

His heart was in his boots...

 

 

He felt how his whole frame jerked violently, when the judge's voice echoed through the room....

 

 

Making his breath stop....

 

 

And his head spin....

 

 

“In the name of the people I render the judgement. The culprit, Park Chanyeol, is found guilt of sever assault in concomitance with abuse, stalking and intimidation. Of severe assault and abuse he is found guilty in a multiplicity of offences. According to §200, §201, §202, §215, §230 and §239, section 1, 4, 3.2, 3, 2 and one penal code, he will be sentenced to 11 years in prison. The sanctions and cost will be borne by the culprit. Sit down please.”

 

 

The judge, Kwon Jiyong, declared and Jongdae felt the world stop rotating as he collapsed in his seat. The restless murmur of the people around him sounding like distant echoes that didn’t reach him as the boy kept staring wide eyes at the judge.

Not wanting to believe, what he had just heard.

Not even _daring_ to think about it.

 

 

His head was unable to process the information. The thoughts in his head just flowing around, making him feel like he would be drowning.

His heart was beating to the top of his lungs as he breathed heavily. His vision turning fuzzy and clearing up in a matter of seconds, when he suddenly felt a dull pain in his heart that made him jerk.

Like somebody would’ve squashed his heart with a sledge hammer that made him snap his head up to the angry loud noise slantwise in front of him.

 

 

It was Park Chanyeol...

 

 

And he was screaming...

 

 

The sudden reality of the words crashing down onto Jongdae like a slap in the face.

 

 

“I AM NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THIS! I WON’T GO TO PRISON JUST BECAUSE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT IS WEAK AND LIKES IT UP THE ASS! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY A COCK SLUT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! AND YOU ALL WILL PAY FOR THAT!!”, he roared like a maniac as he broke his chair and tried to lurch forward, which caused Jongdae to tense up and backed away.

But before Chanyeol could even make two steps, he had already gotten stopped by two policemen, who slammed him down on the table and cuffed his wrists.

That only infuriated the taller more and he kept cursing and struggling. Yet, before he could even continue his yelling, had the judge already silenced him with a blow from his hammer onto the table.

This silenced the whole room and the judge no longer looked stoic or neutral, but beyond angry.

He was furious.

 

 

“ _ **You**_ won’t get to talk to _**me**_ like _**that**_ , young man! I am your superior and you are at court and this court represents our nation and our law. So show some respect towards both of them, if you don’t have too much pride to do so. Frankly, though, you don’t seem to have _any_ kind of respect towards _anything_. So I have also heard and seen the last five months. You didn’t even try to make it look like you regret anything you have done and have kept disrespecting and humiliating everybody. But let me tell you that those people that are just doing, what they are allowed to do. Keyword: _Basic Human Rights_. Those include freedom of expression and free development of the individual and you, Mr. Park Chanyeol, have offended more laws than hose two. And you don’t need to like or hang out with people, who are different from you, but you damn sure need to respect and accept them. But you didn’t, which just proves how arrogant, egoistic and disrespectful you are and I dearly hope that 11 years in jail, along with a therapy and social working will change you. And for threatening me, the court and the prosecution you are going to get a monetary penalty of one million dollars you have to pay the victim. That is the court’s final decision. Thank you”, he announced as he clacked the hammer for three times.

 

 

At that Chanyeol just stared dumbfounded, before his facial expressions slowly changed as it dawned to him that this time he wouldn’t be able to escape his punishment this time. That this time he wouldn’t get away with the shit he has done.

That this time...he _really_ had to go to prison...and that for nine years.

 

 

When he realised that his lips tightened and his eyes went glassy and wide. A chocked breath leaving his mouth as sweat droplets formed on his forehead.

“No....; I mean...that is just...unnecessary. I mean...look bro-”

“I am _NOT_ your ‘bro’, firstly and, secondly, will _never_ be your bro. And your childish begging will not save you from my and the courts decision. End of discussion”, Mr. Wang interrupted him harshly. His voice filled with disgust that made his words sound like poison.

That had Chanyeol chuckling nervously as he gulped down the thick lump in his throat.

“B-But come on....; Such a long sentence is totally unnecessary and I mean...I mean-”, his voice cracked making him sound utterly breathless.

“Please don’t send me to prison....; Please..., I don’t deserve it and- and I promise that I’m...that I’m gonna change. Please.”

Such pleas were sputtered from his mouth as the policemen hauled him up and dragged him along with them towards the exit…towards Jongdae.

 

 

It stunned Jongdae to see Park Chanyeol, _the_ Park Chanyeol like that. Like a little kid that hadn’t gotten what it wanted and was now sulking over the unfairness of the consequences.

It was then that realisation dawned to him another time.

 

 

But in a more pleasant and relieving way. In a way that had him relax his shoulders and calmed his heart. In a way that made warmth spread through his body from the bottom of his heart. In a way that let all his bad thoughts and that little annoying voice disappear only further.

 

In a way that made him see that he wasn’t the pathetic or weak one.

 

That _Park Chanyeol_ was weak and the freak out of the two of them.

 

Not _**him**_.

 

 

And he didn’t know, if it had been the judge’s reaction to Park Chanyeol’s outburst. Or if it had been the sentence of the judge before that. Or if it had been Park Chanyeol’s reaction to the realisation that he had ultimately lost. Or if it had been a combination of all those events.

He didn’t know, _what_ exactly had suddenly given him such a burst of confidence.

 

 

But he stood up, when Park Chanyeol reached his seat and looked him directly in the eyes. Jongdae clenched his fists and gathered all the courage he had, before he spoke up.

“You deserve, what you got today, Park Chanyeol. I sincerely hope that you will learn from this experience and are going to change. For your own sake. And it is not like you always told me, when you and your friends have beaten me up…”, he stopped. His heart almost breaking his ribcage as his voice quivered, while he maintained eye contact.

“I am _not_ the worthless and pitiful one out of the two of us. I am _not_ the one, who needs to torture others in order to get what he wants and to compensate for his immense small ego. _You_ are the one, who needs to does that.”

Jongdae took another deep long breath. His eyes glistening with tears as he said the last words with as much confidence as he could.

“ _You_ are the honorless and pathetic one and I really feel sorry for your hollow soul, Park Chanyeol.”

 

 

That infuriated Chanyeol.

But before he even had the chance to retort something rude, the policemen already dragged him out of the room.

 

 

For some moments Jongdae just stood there.

Frozen in his place as he kept staring holes into the air. His heart still pounding in his chest, before he felt himself trembling.

Then his legs gave out and he collapsed. He, though, didn’t hit the ground as he had expected, when he felt how somebody caught him. And that somebody were no other than Baekhyun and his father. The others were surrounding him and giving him bright victorious smiles.

He returned them and whispered a silent “We won”, as if he still couldn’t believe it.

 

 

Because he couldn’t.

He was still unable to process everything that had happened a few minutes ago.

 

 

Baekhyun’s triumphant and yet oh so tender smile, though, didn’t leave any room for him to think about it further. Along with the dominating and fond kiss he shortly after felt tingling on his lips. He felt his heart skip a beat and how a bright pink colour decorated his face, since...well...Baekhyun had just kissed him _in front_ of the _whole_ court!

Yet, again, didn’t he have the time to become any further embarrassed about it, when he heard his best friend’s cheering voice.

“You all wanna go celebrate?!”, Luhan cheered, earning loud approving answers from everybody round them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, if you liked it!❤❤❤^3^
> 
> And if you want, you can also leave a comment! it would really help me!


	16. 16. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, here's the next chapter and let yourself get surprised! XD
> 
> I hope that you are going to enjoy this chapter. It has a little angst and very  slight insults in it, but it is mostly fluffy!
> 
> Aaand it also has a little smut in it! XD
> 
> Also a little amount of time has passed since I've last written something smutty, so I would be happy about some feedback on it and, of course, on the chapter in general! o(>ω<)o ♡♡♡♡
> 
> So, yeah,I hope that you are going to enjoy it (´｡• ω •｡`)

Jongdae ogled his reflection warily. His eyes checking out his frame rapidly, before he averted them and looked down.

His black lenses shining regretfully as a defeated sigh left his mouth. His heart getting crushed painfully as he fisted his hands.

He felt how a shudder rippled through him. Making him tremble as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“I knew this was going to be a bad idea”, he gritted out. His voice cracking as he felt how his limbs became heavy. Like a force would be pulling him down.

 

 

A force as sinister and deceitful as the one that had suffocated him all those years. It was a force you didn’t see coming.

It was more of a...shattering feeling that unknowingly crept its way into your subconsciousness. Tearing down everything good that one had built up and leaving a bloody dark trail behind itself.

 

It was a feeling that would ruin you without your knowledge.

 

Just occasionally appearing in short painful waves. Making you feel insecure, anxious and worthless or short amount of time, before you had the time to push it back into the darkest corners of your mind. Not wanting to think about such things any further.

 

 

But it would never _really_ vanish.

 

 

It would consume you from the inside out, if you wouldn’t face those worries and deal with them. Eating you up like a parasite would do with its host.

Slowly, steadily and painfully.

And that to a certain point, where you couldn’t take it anymore. Where the pain, the insecurities and anxiety would just break out and hit with the force of a thousand bullets. Paralysing you and making everything around you seem so surreal and useless.

This pitch-black force would consume you and make you see how pointless everything you do or try out. It would make you believe that you would never make it and that all the beautiful and good things you had were just lies and illusions.

It would make you feel lonely and worthless. Make you see that nobody wanted you and that you would always be alone. With nobody ever going to care about you. Or even _love_ you.

 

 

That you would always be going to lose....

 

The force would just swallow you. Take you by surprise that you rarely had the chance of withstanding that force, if you had ignored it all along and hadn’t begun to do something about it beforehand.

 

 

And Jongdae hadn’t done it.

He had ignored that little stings and anxieties and had just blocked them out. Trying to forget those bad feelings. Not wanting to deal with them ever again. Or to think about that insecurities.

 

But now they were haunting him.

 

Consuming him.

 

 

And all he was able to see in the mirror now...was everything he still _hated_ about himself.

 

 

He saw his skinny pale figure. His, still, way too skinny figure, even though he had managed to develop fairly normal eating habits and didn’t have bulimia anymore. Thanks to Dr. Liu and a specialist, named Dr. Wang, for eating disorders and their psychological effects, who had both developed a successful therapy for him.

Yet, all that positive development seemed to be totally forgotten as he forced his eyes open. Only to realise how unhealthy he still looked.

 

 

How disgusting.

 

 

“Disgusting”, he repeated as his eyes jumped to the scars on his arms. To the healed cuts that showed how weak and pathetic he had been. How he had just endured the pain without doing anything to stop it. To stop the bullying and name-calling. To stop them from treating him and his friends like garbage. To stop them from kicking and punching him or from pushing him around.

Those scars showed his powerlessness and how frail he had been. How incompetent and worthless he had been…

It made anger bubble up in his chest and he gritted his teeth. His fingernails digging into his palms as his body began to tremor. His eyes dark and contemptuous as he stared into his reflection. Shame making his chest sting as he felt his breathing stop from all the hatred and adrenaline that rushed through his body.

Making the weight with which the emotional wave hit him almost unbearable, when he began to tremble.

 

 

“Now, baby, show Daddy how you loo-”, Luhan singsonged as he opened the door to Jongdae’s room. But his mouth shut close in an instant, when he was met with Jongdae’s shaking and crouched figure.

That brought Jongdae back and he looked over to the older boy. Tears forming in his eyes as a regretful smile tugged at the corners of his quivering lips. A weak scoff leaving them as he shook his head in defeat.

“I...I’m sorry...I-I can’t, Luhan...; I l-look like s-shit”, he breathed as he collapsed on his bed. Hiding his face in his hands as silent sobs left his mouth.

“E-Everybody will-will...laugh a-at me”, he hiccuped as he rolled up into a small ball.

 

 

More tears leaving his eyes as he heard Luhan approach him carefully, before the bed dipped beside him.

Then the older took his hands and gently removed them, before he made the younger boy look up at him.

 

 

And then Jongdae saw it.

 

 

The sadness and fondness in the other’s pecan-brown eyes.

 

 

But what really struck him was the reflected determination and vast seriousness in them as the older spoke up.

“I don’t know how you must feel, Dae. I don’t know how hard it must be for you dealing with all this unfair crap. I don’t know how exhausted it must make you feel. I can just assume it as your best friends, who has seen you go through all of this shit and who has tried to just somehow help you. But I don’t know the depths you went through emotionally.”

 

 

The boy stated regretfully. Almost as if he would wish that he would’ve been able to feel Jongdae’s pain. And, yes, Luhan wished that sometimes he _would've_ been able to feel the other’s pain in order to make it easier for the boy. As if sharing the pain would’ve made Jongdae’s life easier and a little happier.

Of course the older knew that it wasn’t possible. But that had never prevented him from trying to help Jongdae. From showing the smaller how precious, unique and strong he was.

“And I know how hard it is to believe other people, when they tell you something good about yourself, when you, yourself, don’t believe it”, he continued steadily, even though his heart was racing and his hands sweaty from his excitement.

“You just don’t believe those people, if you don’t believe it yourself first. You _need_ to _want_ it and to _believe_ in yourself first, before you can _really_ believe or try to believe other people’s words. I know that. I’ve also been in such situations.”

 

 

Luhan stopped, licking his lips, before he took Jongdae’s hands and gave him that there’s-no-point-in-discussions pointedly stare.

“But the most important thing is that you just believe in yourself. That you love yourself and that you don’t let anybody take you down. Just believe in yourself and don’t listen to what other people say about you or what role they try to force onto you. And you sure as hell don’t need to listen to people, who say bad things to or about you. Those people don’t deserve you. But, _please_ Jongdae, hear me out and believe me, when I tell you that you’re gorgeous, courageous and strong. Or do you really think you would’ve made it that far, if you wouldn't have had the hope that one day all this pain might stop? Do you really think you would’ve made it that far without the strength you had to keep on fighting? Do you really think you would’ve lived through all that pain and humiliation, if you wouldn’t have had the strength to do so?”, Luhan asked him and Jongdae only stared at him. Trying to process all this information and the questions that were offered to him.

He, though, didn’t have much time to do so, when Luhan continued after a small break to take some breaths.

“Do you really believe that you could’ve gone to court, looking the judge directly in the eyes as you explained, what had happened in detail, if you wouldn’t have had the courage to do so? Or do you really think that you could’ve confronted that asshole ans tell him, what you really think of him, if you wouldn’t have had the strength to do so?”, Luhan kept questioning him determined as he squeezed the smaller’s shaking hands. His facial expressions only turning more serious, but still remained oh so gentle, as he continued.

“Do you really think that you would’ve had any friends and a boyfriend, who is head over heels for you by the way and wants to fuck you into oblivion, if you would’ve really been a terrible person? Do you really think that? Do you actually think that you would’ve gone through a therapy to get confronted by your fears and problems, if you wouldn’t have had the desire to fight the pain? If you wouldn’t have had the desire to see yourself for the person you really are?...”, he trailed off.

 

 

Luhan took in a deep breath. Exhaling slowly, before he asked the younger the last and most important questions.

“Do you actually think you would be standing here, ready to be dragged to your boyfriend’s overly extravagant and accelerated birthday party by your best friend and would let this crazy dipshit style you to show you off, if you wouldn’t have had the strength and determination to get this far? Do you _really_ believe that?”, Luhan asked with a look in his eyes Jongdae had never seen before and it starstruck him.

 

 

It stunned him to the point where he wasn’t able to open his mouth and just kept looking at the older. Luhan’s words repeating themselves in his head like a broken record. Over rand over again until reality finally dawned on him. His eyes bulging as his jaw dropped slightly, when he _eventually understood, eventually realised, what_ Luhan wanted to make him see.

 

 

Because the answer to Luhan’s questions was ‘No’. Almost no person, who wouldn’t have had the _strength_ or _will_ to keep on fighting, would’ve lived through it. Almost no person without their _own_ will and determination to deal with their anxieties and problems would’ve come this far.

Almost nobody, who didn’t at least have a _gleam_ of hope left, would’ve come that far.

 

 

And it was the same with his friends as he suddenly realised...

 

 

That realisation hitting him like a lighting and making his muscles tingle. Causing his heart to burst as relief settled in his body. Making him relax as that warm and carefree feeling gradually spread through his body. Causing him to feel overwhelmed and light-headed, since....

 

Since he saw that Luhan was _right_.

 

 

If he _really_ would’ve been such a terrible and disgusting person, he wouldn't have _ever_ found _any_ friends. Much less friends that protected him. Defended him and even took beatings _for_ him.

No sane person would do that for somebody they didn’t deem valuable or....

 

 

Or _worthy_...

 

 

Now he snapped out of his daze and jerked. Shutting his mouth close and shaking head as an answer to Luhan’s questions, which made the other shine. His eyes sparkling as his white teeth flashed a wide smile, when Jongdae uttered, “No...; No person would’ve come that far without wanting it.”

“See?”, he sighed delightedly and embraced Jongdae in a tight hug. Caressing the fluffy hair as he added softly, “It’s okay to feel sad, lonely or depressed sometimes. Even exhausted. But the point is to not dwell on those feelings and to keep going. To know that it will get better and that you don’t let those feelings change you or influence you in a fatal way. You always need to remember who you are and to be proud of it. No matter how much a bad day, or several bad days, try to pull you down. Just always remember who you are. And remember to be proud of it.”

 

 

Hearing such beautiful and touching words made Jongdae exhale shakily as he hugged Luhan back. Clutching his shirt tightly as he nodded into the boy’s shoulder.

Tears filling his eyes as he answered with a faint, “I will” that had them both chuckling light-hearted.

 

 

Jongdae sniffed, drying his tears, before he detached himself from the older. A shy smile decorating his face as he locked eye contact with Luhan.

“You are right, Lu. It is just.... _hard_ , like _really_ hard sometimes to do that and yeah...”, he breathed shakily. Rubbing his eyes, before continued.

“You know, what I mean, But, yeah...., you are right and…and I will try to remember that.”

 

 

And even though his eyes were puffy and his nose snotty, he still managed to smile brighter than the sun.

 

 

And that, above all, sincerely.

 

 

That was, what moved Luhan the most and a loving smile formed on his lips. He squeezed Jongdae’s hands reassuringly one last time, before his smile turned into a cheeky smirk.

 

 

“No that this is sorted out, we really need to get you ready. We need to make you loo like the hottest piece of meet on a grill party that everybody wants to taste. Like the most gorgeous and fuckable little innocent thing on the whole planet. Baekhyun won’t stand a chance, believe me. He will be on his knees, _begging_ you to let him screw you”, Luhan grinned and Jongdae squeaked embarrassedly at the older’s perverted words. He squirmed uncomfortably as he whined ashamed.

A tomato-red blush covering his cheeks and ears, when such images began to fill his head.

 

 

But not of _Baekhyun_ being the one begging on his knees to let Jongdae fuck him...

 

 

But rather _him_ begging to get ruined.

 

 

He imagined, what Baekhyun would do to him. How the older would smirk at him. His hands bound above his head, his body trapped between the wall and Baekhyun as the older’s sinful fingers would play with his nipples.

Jongdae imagined what dirty things the older would whisper in his ears as he would lick his nubs. Sucking and biting one as he twisted and squeezed the other one until they would be perky and oversensitive. He imagined the other’s rough tongue against the tender flesh and how he would writhe and arch into the touches. How he would be sobbing and begging for more and how Baekhyun would just chuckle devilishly and just keep abusing the smaller’s sensitive nubs.

He would be shuddering and trying to rub his cock against something. Anything. Just for being able to have a little friction against his throbbing cock.

Yet, Baekhyun would just keep playing with his nips. Tickling them and pressing his fingertips ever so lightly to their hard cherry-red front. Making Jongdae cry out and lean into the touch. Yearning for more as he would try to chase the pleasure. But Baekhyun would just keep tickling his nipples with his fingertips. Every finger flicking his nub up and down so quickly that he would choke on his breath as Baekhyun would bite and suck hickeys into his collarbones.

Making Jongdae spread his legs wide open. Practically inviting the older and giving him a perfectly nice view of his red flushed leaking cock.

Bound to a vibrating egg on the top as a snug silicone cock ring would press his flesh in all the right places...

 

 

At that Jongdae’s eyes almost plopped out as he choked on his breath. His blush turning scarlet as he winced in humiliation. Not wanting to face the perverted thoughts he just had had.

 

 

Luhan, though, didn’t miss the smaller’s reaction and his smirk turned deadly.

“Or do you want it the other way around?”, he teased, making Jongdae’s face colour turn into that of purple grapes.

“With you being on your knees and begging for Baekhyun’s cock. Begging him to ruin you and fuck you into oblivion? Maybe even moaning ‘Oh...yes! T-There D-Daddy!’”, Luhan mimicked. Moaning mockingly, which made Jongdae’s jaw drop as he snapped his head around.

His expression outraged, even though his dilated pupils and shallow breathing were telling a whole ‘nother story.

 

 

The older was about to laugh at the younger’s devastated expression, when Jongdae suddenly hollered.

“YOU UNSCRUPULOUS PERV! YOU ARE SUCH AN INSENSITIVE ASS!”

Making Luhan burst in laughter, tears filling his eyes as he held his stomach, trying to breathe through his laughter as he rolled around on the bed. His fist bouncing off the sheets as Jongdae just scowled at his best friend. His nose scrunching as his eyebrows furrows to indicate that was _really_ mad.

 

 

That was also Luhan’s clue and after a few more minutes of continuous guffawing he had finally calmed down and grabbed the younger by the hand. Leading him into his closet to search the plastic bags for another, an even _sexier_ outfit, for the latter, before he put make up on the younger’s face.

 

 

Making him look as beautiful and _definitely_ as fuckable as he had ever been.


	17. 17.Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, this is the second last chapter!
> 
> I hope that you are going to enjoy it!o(≧▽≦)o❤❤

When they finally arrived at the party, Jongdae didn’t know, how to feel. He had too many emotions tossing and turning in his chest that his heart felt like a giant broth.

The nervousness, worry, excitement, embarrassment, shame and happiness making him want to throw up, when they finally entered Baekhyun’s huge mansion. It had a strong Bauhaus style.

The outside walls were made of solid granite stones, whereas the indoor walls and ceilings had a normal soft caramel colour. Also had the building huge, frail, almost skeletal, windows, which only were underlining the solid construction of the two-storey mansion.

Most of the indoor furniture was made of dark mahogany, bright Canadian sycamore wood or black and tortilla coloured leather.

 

 

It was breathtaking.

 

 

_Still_ breathtaking, even though Jongdae had already been there many times.

And the very first time he had almost fainted, when he had seen it. Everybody that would’ve come by, would’ve thought that he would’ve either died or made the discovery of his life. Not to mention the dumbfounded way he had stood there for almost ten minutes just staring at the house.

 

 

And he felt the same way now, when he entered the enormous backyard with the huge pool made out of glass. Around and inside people were dancing like crazy as the speaker’s bass blasted Rihanna’s ‘S&M’ through the whole neighbourhood. It made Jongdae’s ears ache and he rubbed them soothingly as he carefully approached the dancing crowd.

The girls were swinging their hips sensually, bouncing up and down as the boys wriggled themselves between them. Either trying to dance along with them, to make out with them or to impress them by taking off their shirts.

It didn’t matter, who did what, since everything Jongdae saw made him blush crimson-red as he felt like throwing up. He tried to avoid the sweaty and sticky bodies around him without having any help, since Luhan had waved him goodbye as soon as he had seen Sehun. Leaving him dumbstruck and totally lost in front of the crowd.

And as if it wouldn't have already make his heart clench uncomfortably as shivers made his skin crawl, he now also had to avoid the people around him. Not wanting to get dragged into the middle of such an orgy and end up in an even more embarrassing situation.

 

 

Luck wasn’t on his side, though, when suddenly the melody of Nicky Minaj’s ‘Pound the alarm’ boosted through the yard.

 

Because the people lost it.

 

They were screaming and yelling like it would be their last day on earth. Jumping up and down onto the ground, which caused Jongdae to trip and fall…

 

 

And for his luck to fall directly into the pool.

 

 

He shouted, before he disappeared in the water. The music suddenly dull, a weak sound as the bass vibrated nearly two times as strong around him.

The pure shock made him gasp and he swallowed water, which caused him to panic. Only swallowing more water and he felt how his air supply was slowly cut off and how his vision began to blur.

It made his heart hammer uncontrollably against his ribcage. Panic and fear rushing through his body as the adrenaline slowly cleared his vision. Making him snap back into reality and he instantly came up to the surface for air.

Gasping and coughing adamantly as he cleared his nose and eyes. He kept choking and gasping as he swam to the other end of the pool, where he was able to stand.

 

 

He rubbed his eyes another time as he slowly regained the ability to breathe again. The panic gradually subsided and his heartbeat slowed down.

Yet, he didn’t feel any better, when he pulled out his soaked phone and looked at himself in the black screen, before he mustered himself.

 

 

He sighed defeatedly. His heart sinking, when he looked at his soaked oversized white linen shirt, the tight black skinny jeans and his black patent-leather shoes. All of them things that he and Luhan had especially bought for _this_ occasion. They had bought them to make him looked like a ‘sex bomb’ as Luhan worded it.

And for the first time Jongdae had _actually_ felt sexy and confident. He had found himself presentable, beautiful even. All thanks to Luhan and his extraordinary behaviour and style. He had especially like his boudoir-red coloured hair and the smokey eyes Luhan had made him. The colours had been chocolaty-like to black with a thick eyeliner accenting his crescent-formed eyes. And the pink shiny gloss on his lips had been the icing on the cake.

 

 

He had smiled from ear to ear.

 

 

Everything had been so perfect and now...

 

 

Now everything was ruined....

 

 

His hair was a mess. Dripping and standing out in every direction. His clothes were ruined and even though the make up was waterproof, it had also gotten slightly smudgy.

He looked like a wasted dosser.

 

 

Like a total fuck-up.

 

 

That was a thought that sent him over the edge as he stared at his scarred arms. At those nasty cuts that seemed to have no end. As if they would be expanding endlessly.

They paralyzed him as the deafening noises around him slowly disappeared. Turning quieter and quieter, before they turned into ugly laughs that made Jongdae’s head snap up. But instead of people he only saw devilish black smiling masks, who were pointing their fingers at him.

They didn’t say anything. They just laughed.

But their laughs sounded like bullets that pierced his body. Making him tremble and his vision blurry. Words like ‘disgusting’ and ‘unworthy’ crossing his mind as the laughs only became louder, madder and more hurting. Making him cover his ears as his heart pounded painfully. Cutting off his breath as he felt the need to scream.

To yell and cry to make the voices disappear.

 

 

To make them stop laughing.

 

 

He took a deep shaky breath, trembling even more violently, when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder that made him jump. Jongdae snapped his eyes open and looked up. The laughs disappearing as the yells and cheers of the part crowd filled his ears again.

Making him relax slightly, even though he winced, when the sudden bass volume drummed through his ears. Yet, he didn’t feel as panicked or frightened as before, when he recognized the person touching his shoulder.

It was Jimin, who was looking concerned at him and had, on top of that,... no _fucking_ shirt on, which had Jongdae flushing as he looked away.

 

 

Still feeling ashamed of his scars and his body, which made him unconsciously wrap his arms around himself as he shivered.

Jimin, of course, noticed it and his worried expression softened into an adoring and honest one, when he cupped Jongdae’s face. Fixating the smaller’s eyes on him as he said, “Don’t believe the bad things that are running through your head now, Jongdae. They are not true. Don’t listen to them. And believe me, when I say that you are fucking gorgeous, endearing and warm-hearted, Jongdae. Don’t doubt that. _Ever_ ”, in a serious, yet soft, tone, before his expression turned playful.

“Even if you look wasted as fuck”, he snickered, which made Jongdae gape dumbfounded and blush at the same time.

His heart skipping a light beat at the other’s words as similar ones began to plop up in his mind. Letting the shame and disgust disappear gradually as the warmth and comfort settled in his heart. Soothing his strained nerves and making him relax as his shoulders slumped down, which caused Jimin to smile.

 

 

That, though, didn’t ease his astonishment at how Jimin had known, what he had though. Of course they had become close friends during the past year, but Jongdae had tried to avoid the topic of his mental health problems.

He was about to ask, when they suddenly heard a loud explosion that made Jongdae yelp as he spun around. Catching sight of the small yellow fireworks that had been lightened around the pool as he heard the melody of Jay Park’s ‘Mommae’.

 

 

That wasn’t what caught his attention, however...

 

 

It was the person that was strolling onto the swimming pool’s diving board. Screaming words into the microphone, which made crowd shout.

 

But Jongdae didn’t hear them.

 

He only heard the music and saw that dead-gorgeous boy in front of him that left him speechless and gaping.

 

 

Byun Baekhyun.

 

 

In all his mighty glory.

 

 

And what Jongdae saw made his eyes plop out as his jaw dropped. Drool pooling at the corners of his mouth, when he saw how his ridiculously hot boyfriend ripped his chequered black-white shirt open. Revealing his toned six-pack and smooth rippled abs that had Jongdae blushing tomato-red as his mouth watered.

The sight alone a pure bliss....

But watching Baekhyun moving those sinful muscles along with the beat....

The pecks tensing and relaxing repeatedly as sweat formed on them. His sensual moves even accentuated by slow teasing thrusts of his slim hip and perfectly shaped legs that were practically sewed into those black ripped jeans.

 

 

_All_ of that had Jongdae ogling the handsome boy like a perv as he felt like dying from delight.

And Jimin’s knowing snicker beside him only worsened those reactions as he felt himself flushing a hundred shades deeper. His heart beating so strong, so painfully fast that he felt like his ribcage was about to break any second. His body feeling numb and his mind drunk from the adrenaline as he kept watching Baekhyun move and scream.

The smaller’s cock was already straining in his trousers, which made him whimper embarrassingly as he tried to fight the filthy images that slowly filled his head.

 

 

It was useless, though.

 

 

Because Baekhyun made eye contact with him as soon as the next song started, ‘cockiness’ from Rihanna, which made the older smirk as he brought the microphone to his mouth.

“I still haven’t gotten my beautiful birthday present. Isn’t that a shame?”, he purred, which made the crown agree in fake-pity as Jongdae’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, I agree, too. But it seems like I’ve found it”, he replied cockily, before he threw his shirt off and jumped into the water. Making the people cheer as he dove towards Jongdae, who became fidgety. His face, and even his chest, purple from embarrassment of getting caught staring so blatantly.

It made him curse inwardly and he was about to turn around, when Baekhyun suddenly appeared in front of him. Grabbing him by the waist, which made Jongdae squeak, before he was suddenly pressed against the older’s half naked torso.

 

 

The boy’s face only inches away from Jongdae’s, which had the smaller choking on his own spit as his heart stopped beating. His breath getting caught in his throat, when Baekhyun smiled mischievously at him. Biting and licking his lips in the process, which, of course, instantly caught Jongdae’s attention.

It had the younger cursing at himself on the inside for being such a damn sucker for Baekhyun’s charming and flirtatious side.

 

And the older _knew_ that.

 

He fucking _knew_ and drove Jongdae crazy with his endless teasing.

 

Like now.

 

 

Baekhyun knew that the smaller liked his wet trousled hair and was drooling from him wearing skinny jeans. And now Jongdae was greeted with _both_ those things.

The taller’s hair was dripping and thrown back as little droplets of water rolled down his face. Jongdae’s eyes following them entranced. Following them to the boy’s hazel brown eyes that were adorned by a breathtaking orange smokey-eye make up.

Highlighting his soft creamy skin, his cheekbones, his perfect button nose and soft glossy lips. Those features alone made Jongdae dizzy as a familiar heat pooled in hi gut that made his nerves itch. Warm shock waves crossing his system as he followed the drops to Baekhyun’s slender throat and prominent collarbones.

He gulped another time. His body shuddering as he released a long breath, before he very reluctantly looked into Baekhyun’s eyes again.

Only to feel how butterflies prickled in his stomach, when he saw the other’s hooded eyes. Pure adoration and lust visible in them as the older slowly lowered his face until their lips were centimetres apart. Both feeling the other’s heavily hot breath on their lips as they maintained eye contact.

 

 

It was hypnotizing. The people, the noises, the world around them disappeared. The time stopped, closing them up momentarily in their own dimension as they just kept gazing at each other.

And extraterrestrial power enveloping them. Making them hear each other’s heartbeats, feel each other’s deep breaths as their bodies merged into one.

 

 

It was mind-blowing.

 

 

And the next second that tension exploded.

Baekhyun lunged forward and kissed Jongdae passionately. Bringing the smaller man flush to his chest as he licked and nibbled at Jongdae’s soft lips. Making the smaller moan breathy as he kissed back just as eagerly.

His arms embracing Baekhyun’s neck as he stood on his tiptoes. Moving his mouth gently, yet strongly against Baekhyun’s. Making the other growl with desire that had Jongdae shivering. Every fibre in his body heated up, making his muscles burn and his skin sickle, when he felt Baekhyun nibbling on his lower lips. Sucking on the tender flesh at which Jongdae gasped. His body spasming, when Baekhyun’s tongue entered his wet cavern. Exploring every angle thoroughly as if he would’ve kissed Jongdae for the first time in months.

He played with the smaller’s tongue, moving his own one sensually, before he nibbled on it. Causing Jongdae to whimper, when he squeezed the latter’s butt.

 

 

And even though Jongdae tried to give, all he was actually able to do was to take, take and take. Which he gladly did. He relaxed and enjoyed the way Baekhyun ruined him. Moving his hands under his shirt. Gently teasing the sensitive skin that made Jongdae jerk, before he dug his nails into the smaller’s hips. Massaging them as he licked into Jongdae’s mouth.

Leaving the younger male flushed and breathless as they separated.

Both panting as their head spun.

 

 

The unique moment between them broken as the real world crashed down and directly onto them.

 

 

Making them realise that the crowd was cheering and encouraging them, which made Jongdae whine as he hid his face him Baekhyun’s chest.

Causing the other to snicker at his boyfriend’s cuteness, before he felt Jongdae's fist punching his chest. He winced as Jongdae whined, “Your fault you muppet” and Baekhyun laughed heartily as he kissed his adorable boyfriend’s wet hair.

Enveloping him in a gentle hug as he whispered, “I love you, Jongdae”, before he hid his face in Jongdae’s shoulder, too.

 

 

And a few minutes later he heard Jongdae’s silent, “I love you, too”, which made Baekhyun's grin widen as he hugged the boy closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you enjoyed this chapter or the story so far, I would be very happy about your feedback in the comments or even a like!❤❤(≧◡≦)
> 
> And thanks for your support this far!❤❤❤❤


	18. 18. Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of this story.❤❤
> 
> I hope that you all enjoyed it!❤
> 
> Aaand of course, smut follows! XD (≧▽≦)
> 
> I also haven't written smut in a very long time...for almost eight months, sooo I am quite insecure about this one..^^'
> 
> Therefore I would also be happy about your feedback and your opinion, thank you!❤
> 
>  
> 
> -
> 
>  
> 
> *https://www.google.de/search?hs=7Tq&q=koenigsegg+agera+rs+gryphon&tbm=isch&source=univ&client=opera&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjplYvD55bhAhWGGuwKHdj7DnMQsAR6BAgGEAE&biw=1474&bih=763

After the excitement around them slowly subsided and the people turned their attention back to the music. Not giving the cuddling couple in the water any further thought for which Jongdae was more than relieved.

But he didn’t have much time to relax, when Baekhyun suddenly dragged him out of the water, through the crown and into his garage.

 

 

When they arrived there, Jongdae’s mind finally snapped. Bringing him back to reality as he gaped like a fish. His eyes ripped wide open and his jaw crashing to the ground, when he saw the cars in front of him. Especially the one Baekhyun brought him to had Jongdae flabbergasted.

 

 

It was a Koenigseg Aggera RS Gryphon*.

The 2017 model. It had about 1.200 PS and was shining in a bright silver colour with yellow strikes decorating its sides. It was one of the most beautiful and expensive cars Jongdae had ever seen…

 

 

It cost about 2.5 million dollars....

 

 

And he didn’t even want to think about the three other Ferraris, two Bugattis and Verons.

 

 

The smaller, however, didn’t bet the chance to think about it any further, when Baekhyun gently put him in the Koenigseg, pecked his forehead, seated himself and started the engine.

They exited the garage and Baekhyun demonstrated the cars abilities. Doubling up the tempo which made Jongdae yelp as clutched Baekhyun’s hand. He grabbed his seatbelt hastily as adrenaline rushed through his system. Making him feel light-headed as the butterflies in his stomach prickled pleasantly.

He felt his heart flutter as the tension slowly left his body. He let the tingle spread through his system. The comfortable daze in his head becoming stronger and blurring his vision.

So he closed his eyes and fell back into his seat, just enjoying this high-feeling due the fast tempo.

 

 

Yet, Baekhyun soon slowed down, since didn’t want anything to happen and kept driving at a normal tempo. But Jongdae stayed in his position and only blushed, when Baekhyun squeezed his hand and kissed his temple. Whispering a breathless “Hey” that sent a buzz through Jongdae’s body.

Making him shiver as turned his head. Answering back a silent “Hi” that had Baekhyun chuckling, before the soothing silence filled the car again.

 

 

-

 

 

They arrived at Baekhyun’s apartment after about 15 minutes and only when Jongdae hopped out the care did he blush red like a tomato…

Because him and Baekhyun were still soaked and the older still was half-naked. And seeing the boy’s naked glory had always been an effective method of turning him into a blushing and stuttering mess.

The taller knew that and only smirked smugly, when he intertwined their fingers and took Jongdae to hos penthouse apartment.

 

 

And Jongdae felt nervous, but at the same time strangely overexcited, since Baekhyun had mostly taken him there, when he wanted some time _alone_ with him.

Especially when they took further steps in their sexual activities....

 

 

Just the thought had Jongdae blushing scarlet and squirming, when they entered the apartment.

He heard his heart pounding to the top of his lungs and his muscles twitching, because he _knew_ , what being here meant.

Hell...they had even _talked_ about it and had chosen specifically this day for their first time to happen.

And Jongdae didn’t have a fucking clue of how to act or what to do....

 

Should he go to the bedroom and strip?

Should he just kiss Baekhyun and take the initiative?

Should he wait?

Or shouldn’t he do anything at all?

 

 

Jongdae didn’t know, what he should do and it was freaking him out. He was anxious as fuck and those questions weren’t making the situation any better.

He felt his lungs contacting, making it hard to breathe as the panic slowly rose in him. Making him feel like everything was too much. Too overwhelming. His doubts and insecurities were suddenly creeping through his mind. Trying to swallow him.

 

 

But they didn’t get the chance, when he suddenly felt something warm touching his face gently. Jongdae jerked at the contact and looked up only to see Baekhyun’s fond and understanding expression. His eyes shining as soft as Jongdae had never seen it.

“Relax, sweetheart”, he whispered, kissing Jongdae’s forehead, eyes, nose, cheeks and finally his lips. Passionately, slowly, carefully and Jongdae’s muscles fell slack. His worries vanishing, when Baekhyun connected their foreheads.

“Just breathe, honey. Don’t think too much about it, okay? Nothing needs to happen, do you hear?”, the older assured him. A pointed, yet gentle, expression on his face as Jongdae gave him a baffled, nearly exasperated, look.

Baekhyun knew what it meant and instantly continued explaining.

“Don’t understand me wrong. I really want to rip those clothes off and fuck you nine ways to Sunday. Really. But that we don’t need to do on my birthday, if you don’t feel comfortable with it. Do you hear, sweetheart? I know, we’ve talked a lot about it and decided to do it on my birthday. But we don’t have to do anything at all, if you don’t want to. Because the last thing I want to do is to force you to do something just because we decided on it. We can just watch a movie, cuddle on my bed, eat chocolate and go to sleep. No matter what we do, I am just happy to be with you. You hear, my angel?”, Baekhyun whispered and Jongdae’s expression softened slightly.

Relief washing over him and he exhaled shakily. Smiling at Baekhyun, before he blushed and nodded.

 

 

Because the older always was so considerate and caring. Always making sure that Jongdae was comfortable and happy. The taller had even perfectionist his body language reading because of Jongdae and it was a blessing and a curse.

Just thinking about the ‘curse’-part, which Jongdae didn’t really curse, had him flushing tomato-red as he opened his mouth.

“I...I know, Baek. T-Thanks”, he breathed. A small smile appearing on his lips, before he pecked his boyfriend’s mouth. Blushing deeper, when he added, “A movie s-sounds good...; I-I am going to take a shower now!”, he nearly squeaked and ran off to the second bathroom.

Shutting the door behind his back as he tried to calm down.

 

 

His heart still pounding to the top of his lungs as the haziness in his mind worsened. Making it impossible for him to suppress all the dirty scenarios that were running through his head.

So it was no wonder that he stepped into the shower with a raging hard-on and took care of it with Baekhyun’s name on his lips.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae cuddled up further into Baekhyun. Putting his head on the other’s left shoulder as the older squeezed his hands. Caressing every digit with such care that it had Jongdae blushing crimson-red. His heartbeat fastening as Baekhyun kept caressing his arms and hands.

It only were little and gentle touches. But they were distracting enough that Jongdae’s mind was running wild with perverted thoughts.

Imagining what those hand could do to him. How they would hold him down, tease him with light touches and leave him all bruised up afterwards. How they would blissfully torment his dick. Switching between agonizingly slow and adamantly rapid strokes as Baekhyun would brush, circle and suck his nipples with his tongue.

And the image of those beautiful lithe fingers inside him, opening him up and stroking his inner walls deliciously until Baekhyun’s cock would fit in had him choking on his saliva.

 

 

His heart hammering and his dick rock-hard form just _imagining_ those things. Not to mention all the sweet dirty things the taller would whisper into his ear.

God....it had Jongdae absolutely yearning for the other’s touch.

 

 

He _wanted_ to sleep with Baekhyun.

 

 

Was ready to.

 

 

But how could he show the older?...

 

 

He looked up shyly. Noticing that Baekhyun’s eyes were plastered on the TV-screen. His attention completely on the movie of his favourite hero, Iron Man.

Jongdae pouted slightly at that, since it made it all more complicated to get his boyfriend’s attention.

 

 

Suddenly, though, an idea plopped up in his head that had him blushing deeper. The picture almost too much for his imagination.

Yet, before he had the chance to brood over the idea any longer, his body had already taken the initiative. In a matter of seconds had he crawled on top of Baekhyun as he ground his ass down the other’s hips, before he kissed the older.

Lapping greedily at the taller’s bottom lip. Nibbling and biting the soft flesh, which made Baekhyun gasp and Jongdae plunged his tongue into his moist cavern. Tasting every inch anew as he ground down his stuttering hips in a frantic pace that made him mewl.

 

 

That seemed to rip Baekhyun out of his haze and he grabbed Jongdae’s hips firmly. Cupping the back of the smaller’s head to bring him closer. Practically smacking their lips together, which turned the kiss messy. Teeth were clacking and drool pooled at the corners of their lips as Baekhyun stroked his tongue over Jongdae’s teeth. Attacking his bottom lip with an animalistic greed at which Jongdae wailed as his whole body shook severely. Waves of need and lust taking over him and clouding his mind.

And when Baekhyun released him with a ravening bite on his lips and a firm squeeze of his cock, Jongdae cried out. His body giving out as slumped forward. The action sending him almost over the edge.

 

 

He was wheezing.

His breath erratic and his limbs resembled pudding.

And Baekhyun’s husky tone didn’t help him at all.

 

 

“A very delightful surprise, sweetheart. Have you always been that need and demanding?”, Baekhyun chuckled as he peppered kisses down Jongdae’s neck that had the smaller squirming and whining.

“Or are you this desperate because of...”, Baekhyun sucked the juncture of his neck and squeezed Jongdae’s raging hard-on another time and the smaller sobbed.

“B-Baek...ng- ahh!”, he moaned as Baekhyun continued to lick his neck and massage his cock at a torturing pace. Driving Jongdae crazy.

He groaned filthily, when Baekhyun pinched his nipple and pressed his thumb onto his glans. He jerked away and looked at Baekhyun with heady eyes. Loud puffs of breath leaving his mouth as he tried to form a sentence. But only enticing gasps and mewl fell from his mouth as Baekhyun cupped his bare cock and began to bump it fastly.

Especially the part, where his foreskin connected with his glans had Jongdae crying out and twisting uncontrollably. Not knowing, if he should chase the touch or pull away from it.

 

 

He chose, to his disadvantage, the latter and tried to wiggle out of Baekhyun’s grip.

But the older only smiled viciously and shoved the smaller closer. Yanking down his pants and boxers, before he lifted the shirt and latched onto Jongdae’s right nipple.

And Jongdae choked as his body only heated up more. His brain becoming mush as his vision turned blurry. His body basically shaking with desire and thirst for more.

“Ah!...Baek, Baek, Baek...please!”, he whined as the taller playfully dug his nail into his slit. Smearing around the pre-cum and rubbing the already oversensitive tip that it had Jongdae convulsing.

He harshly grabbed Baekhyun’s soft hair and clutched onto his shoulder as he frenetically thrust into Baekhyun’s hand.

 

 

Pitiful moans and broken cries leaving his mouth, when Baekhyun started torturing both his nipples. Flicking them between his teeth and fingers, before he rubbed them fastly with his palm. Kneading the breast around them, before he pulled at the sensitive nubs.

Grazing them with his teeth until the flesh turned raw that even the most ginger licks were pleasantly painful for Jongdae.

“B-Baek....-OH!-, please, please...!”, he choked out, not knowing for what exactly he pleaded. But when he tried to detach himself from Baekhyun, the older put his right hand on his back and drew him closer another time as he engulfed the already abused nubs.

Alternating between them as he glided his tongue against the angry red nipples. Overwhelming Jongdae with the feeling that his whole body shook and went slack at the same time. Even the smooth texture of the older’s tongue too much for the flesh.

 

 

Yet, Baekhyun kept going and Jongdae found himself lost in the pleasure.

Not knowing if he should stop his boyfriend or encourage him to continue.

Not knowing if he even _wanted_ the older to stop at all.

 

 

And so he kept wriggling and writhing in the taller’s strong embrace as Baekhyun continued assaulting his tip as he dragged his tongue over his hypersensitive flat breasts. Leaving little hickeys and bruises all over them.

“So beautiful, honey. You are so damn gorgeous, Dae. So pretty and all of that just for me”, Baekhyun rasped as he released a cols breath over the nubs that made Jongdae shiver.

“I bet I could make you come like this. Just form your beautiful little nips. You love it, when I torment them until even silk would be too rough for them, right? You love it, when I tease them that they are burning and sensitive for days. That even the smallest touch makes you hard, right?”, Baekhyun smirked evilly as he bit one of them, which made Jongdae cry out.

His body jerking as Baekhyun sucked the right one and released it with an obscene loud ‘pop’.

“I bet you would enjoy it, if they were that sensitive all the time, right? Always ready for me to attack and play with. Oh....what I would do to you, darling...”, he drifted off, releasing the smaller’s cock, which had Jongdae whining dissatisfied as Baekhyun played with the other nipple.

“I would brush them repeatedly and touch them so often that you would be on edge all day, maybe even put vibrators on them, just to see you all hot and bothered. To see you desperately trying to keep in all those sweet little noise, while you try to hide your rock-hard dick. You would enjoy that, right darling?”, Baekhyun husked and Jongdae mewled.

 

 

His face turning scarlet, because...god had Baekhyun a mouth on him that drove him crazy.

And Baekhyun knew that he had a thing for dirty talk.

So it was no surprise that he felt a familiar coiling in his stomach, which made him panic slightly, since didn’t want it to be over yet.

 

 

That little worry seemed to be enough to bring him back to reality and he whimpered as silent, “S-Stop, p-please…please, Baek”, which made the older freeze in an instant. He stopped everything he was doing and detached himself form Jongdae.

His shaky hands now rubbing reassuring circles onto his hips as his expression turned from heated, to worried, to regretful.

Baekhyun checked Jongdae, looking for any sign that he had hurt the other and when he was met with Jongdae’s glassy eyes, he felt his heart being crashed. Shame filling his features as he ripped his eyes away.

Inhaling sharply to not punch himself for reading the signs wrong and going too far…

“Fuck”, he cursed silently, before he slowly looked at Jongdae’s blissed out expression.

“I...I’m sorry, Dae. I-I went too far. Shit! I thought that…that you wanted to...since the kiss...and since you looked so hot today…and when you climbed my lap....I just thought....; Fuck! Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck! I am so sorry!”, Baekhyun apologised with a quivering voice.

 

 

His eyes becoming shiny and even more regretful as he kissed Jongdae’s nose.

“I am sorry for hurting you and taking it too far. I am so sorry, honey”, he pressed out. Voice tight and pent up and that brought Jongdae back.

He shook his head and cupped Baekhyun’s face, before he kissed him lovingly.

God…his boyfriend was such an adorable idiot. How could ever think that he could hurt Jongdae with something like that? And normally Jongdae would have been too darn shy and an utter failure at voicing out, what he wanted.

But seeing his boyfriend being that hurt and sad for no reason gave him a boost of confidence he had never felt before. He released Baekhyun and pecked his nose, too.

“You are so dumb, Baek. It didn’t hurt me. On the contrary....it became too mind-blowing, just too powerful, and I...”, he stopped, blushing at his blatant words, “I almost came. Therefore I told you to-to stop, since I wanted to cum with you in...inside m-me.” he stuttered hastily and pecked the taller another time.

“You did nothing wrong. Nothing. I just got...carried away a-and I didn’t want it to end too soon.”

 

 

Now Jongdae was a blushing mess and Baekhyun just at this precious creature in front of him. An exasperated groan escaping his mouth, when his brain finally processed Jongdae’s words.

God...this boy was going to be the death of him.

How could someone looking so innocent say something that filthy, he wondered and hid his face in the crook of Jongdae’s neck. Placing another hickey there that made Jongdae gasp.

“I’m glad”, he finally exhaled.

“I’m glad that I didn’t hurt you”, he added and looked at Jongdae. Mustering his plush and glossy red lips, his rosy cheeks and lidded eyes. The pupils blown wide from want and lust and Baekhyun had to hold himself back from fucking Jongdae into oblivion in an instant.

He wanted the boy’s first time to be something special and memorable. They still had enough time for rough or kinky sex later on.

So he brushed away Jongdae’s damp hair and smiled warmly at the boy.

“Are you sure that you want to do it? Absolutely sure, sweetheart?”, he asked in a calm voice, even though his insides were storming.

 

 

At that Jongdae’s cheeks flushed in a rosy pink and he returned the smile. Nodding slowly, but confidently as he answered with a “Yes”.

 

 

That had Baekhyun shining brightly and he pressed his lips against Jongdae’s. Inhaling the other’s warm mahogany scent that was mixed with his own shampoo and perfume. It drove Baekhyun crazy as he lapped at the smaller’s lips.

Literally consuming Jongdae’s lips as he nipped and licked at them eagerly. Jongdae was panting in a matter of seconds as the kiss turned slow and tender. As if a totally different person would be kissing him, while Baekhyun’s slender hands were mapping out his body. Squeezing his sides and thighs fondly.

Every touch Baekhyun made was calculated and yet so affectionate that it sent shocks through the smaller’s body. His heart melting and stomach fluttering excitedly, when Baekhyun flipped them over and removed his shirt and briefs in one go.

 

 

Jongdae was only able to stare and gulp the lump in his throat. His breath stuck in his throat as he mustered Baekhyun. Staring at his prominent collarbones, before his eyes wandered to his pecks and muscled stomach.

Baekhyun was lean, but well built with his six-pack and all the ripples muscles surrounding it.

The younger’s mouth was watering at the sight and he licked his dry lips, before he looked up to Baekhyun, who smirked at him, even though were filled with love.

“You can touch, you know”, he slurred and Jongdae hesitantly raised his trembling hands. His head becoming dizzy, when he felt the other’s hot skin beneath his fingers.

Of course had had he seen and touched Baekhyun during their make out sessions.

 

 

But this....this somehow felt... _different_.

 

 

More intimate, more intense, more breathtaking and mind-blowing. It was like all his senses were heightened, because he could feel _everything_. Every dip, every rise, every form of the muscles, every breath the older too as he explored his abdomen.

It was mesmerizing and he became bolder. He began to knead Baekhyun’s sides and dragged his nails up and down just to watch Baekhyun jerk as he released a pleasured grunt. That caught Jongdae’s attention and he repeated the motion.

Only to see the older’s jaw falling slack, breathy moans escaping it as his eyes turned darker. Want and lust filling them as he scrunched up his eyebrows. A mewling gasp leaving his mouth, when Jongdae grazed is nails over his raging hard-on.

 

 

“You’re so beautiful, Baek”, Jongdae muttered and Baekhyun surged forward. Kissing him breathless another time, before he hastily removed Jongdae’s shirt. Peppering kisses all over the smaller’s chest that had Jongdae writhing and fisting his boyfriend’s hair.

“B-Baek...oh!-...m-my God...”, he moaned loudly, when the older removed his pants and licked his member through his briefs.

“Shit...you have no idea, what you do to me, Jongdae. You drive me insane, sweetheart. Insane...making me lose control. Fuck!”, Baekhyun rasped and detached himself from his boyfriend to search for lube and condoms.

 

 

When he found them and looked over to Jongdae again, he stopped his movements to take in his boyfriend’s body. His eyes raking hungrily over the boy’s slim, yet defined body. Over his firm flat stomach down to those soft thighs he could knead and mark up all day. Not to mention Jongdae’s lewd expression.

 

 

Dear God...was this boy gorgeous.

 

 

Jongdae, on the other hand, began to feel insecure at Baekhyun’s heated staring, even though he knew that it was ridiculous.

But he still felt that way and tried to cover up his body.

The older, however, was by his side in an instant and pinned down his arms. Looking him directly in the eyes. Honesty, tenderness and affection filling them.

“Don’t hide from me, Dae. You are breathtaking”, he kissed the other’s lips,

“Stunning”, his throat,

“Unique”, his nipples,

“Gorgeous”, his stomach,

“Sexy”, his bellybutton,

“Seductive”, his cock as he removed the latter underwear.

“You are perfect, you hear?”, he said, cupping Jongdae’s cheek and kissing his forehead fondly.

 

 

“ _You are perfect the way you are_ ”, he whispered into his hair, before he took the boy’s hands.

Pecking each single digit and then his palm, which made Jongdae flush scarlet as whined embarrassedly.

But the soft smile on his face told Baekhyun a whole ‘nother story.

The taller then opened the lube and squeezed a decent amount of it onto his hand as he warmed it. He then looked over to Jongdae, who appeared to be very nervous.

 

 

“Relax, sweetheart, okay? You need to be relaxed, otherwise it will be very difficult and painful. Can you do that for me, sweetheart? Can you relax for me?”, he asked in a calming tone and intertwined his hand with Jongdae’s, who nodded in response.

Baekhyun smiled then and circled the already twitching rim to which Jongdae inhaled deeply. His heart pounding as Baekhyun entered his first finger. It only stung a little, but as he kept moving his finger, Jongdae slowly grew accustomed to the feeling of having something inside him

“Is it okay, baby? Can I put another one inside?” Baekhyun asked and Jongdae nodded.

And the second finger was already a little more painful and he whimpered uncomfortably. A harsh breath leaving is mouth as he squeezed Baekhyun’s hand.

“Shhh, sweetheart. Relax, just relax. You’re doing great, Dae. You’re doing perfect, sweetie. Yeah, just like this, sweetheart. You're doing so good”, Baekhyun praised as Jongdae relaxed gradually. Making it easier for Baekhyun to bump and scissor his fingers, which made the younger moan. The sensation slowly turning pleasurable.

 

 

And when Baekhyun thought that he was stretched enough, he inquired “Third one?”, and Jongdae nodded.

So the older slowly added the third one as he kept praising Jongdae. Littering little kisses all over his body to distract him from the pain.

Soon, though, the pain disappeared and Jongdae yelped, when Baekhyun hit a spot inside him that made him see stars. So the older experimentally hit it again and when Jongdae mewled shamelessly, literally sucking his fingers deeper into him, Baekhyun smirked.

“Bullseye, right?”, he panted and kept brushing that spot repeatedly until Jongdae was a shivering and whimpering mess. Clutching and scratching Baekhyun’s neck.

 

 

After a few more minutes the older removed is fingers and put on the condom. Lubing it up again as he placed himself between Jongdae’s legs to nudge his rim.

“Are you ready?”, he asked and Jongdae nodded again. His mouth and brain not working any longer due the immense pleasure that was rushing through him.

So Baekhyun eased himself in inch by inch and Jongdae cried out again. Baekhyun was only two inches longer than the average, but he was _thick_ , which caused Jongdae the most pain. This unbelievable stretch as Baekhyun eased himself in.

 

 

The taller was finally seated inside him and Jongdae had tears in his eyes, which Baekhyun kissed away.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. You are doing great. You are so so good, Dae. I know it hurts now, but it will get better. Don’t cry, darling”, Baekhyun mumbled soothingly as he took Jongdae’s hands and the smaller’s tears slowly stopped falling. The pain disappearing, which made him look at the older to give him the ‘okay’-sign.

Baekhyun then kissed Jongdae gently as he started with slow and shallow thrusts that made Jongdae whine. Loud gasps and mewls escaping his mouth as Baekhyun picked up his pace. His thrusts growing stronger and going deeper. Becoming more passionate and wild as they kept kissing sloppily. Tongues tangling and teeth clacking as they grew more desperate.

 

 

Until Baekhyun found _that_ spot inside Jongdae again.

 

 

“FUCK! B-Baek...-oh!”, Jongdae sobbed as Baekhyun kept hitting it over and over again. Making the boy gasp and writhe beautifully. Needy moans falling from his swollen red lips as he closed his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows in pure bliss.

“Baekhyun!-God!...; please, please...”, he wailed, releasing the older’s hands and clutching onto his sides as Baekhyun kept going with his pleasuring torture.

“Please, -ng!....; ah!, please what, sweetheart?”, Baekhyun groaned. Totally captivated by Jongdae and lost in the way Jongdae’s warm walls were clenching around him. Practically swallowing his rock-hard member. As if Baekhyun’s cock was meant to stay in there forever.

And Jongdae’s squirming and arching his back gorgeously weren’t helping his arousal at all.

 

 

“P-Please, I-I’m going t-to cum...”, Jongdae mewled as he slammed his lips onto Baekhyun’s. His body tingling and everything around him spinning. The only thing he was able to feel were Baekhyun’s thrusts and how nicely he massaged and nudged them. Making him go limp as he felt a familiar heat coiling in his stomach.

 

 

The older seemed to notice it too, because he grabbed Jongdae’s leaking cock and played with the slit a few times, before Jongdae finally came.

“Baek! B-BaekHYUN!”, he screamed in esctasy. Is body stuttering uncontrollably as his back arched in a beautiful curve, while he coated himself and Baekhyun’s hand with his load. Causing him to extremely squeeze Baekhyun’s cock and the older groaned. Cumming with Jongdae’s name on his lips, before he collapsed beside the boy.

Both exhausted and panting as they tried to come down from their highs.

 

 

They eventually did and Baekhyun carefully pulled out of Jongdae, before he threw away the condom and rolled Jongdae over, cuddling him tightly.

“Are you alright?”, he slurred and Jongdae just hummed tiredly, burying his face deeper into Baekhyun’s chest. Making the older laugh as he pecked Jongdae’s head, inhaling his scent deeply.

“I love you, Jongdae. So, so much”, he mumbled, thinking that the boy was already asleep.

“I love you, too...”, a groggy voice said, which surprised Baekhyun.

But he just chuckled and kept inhaling Jongdae’s scent, before he threw his arms around him and covered them with his silky blue blanket. Slowly drifting off to dreamland.

 

 

 

And when he awoke the next morning, being greeted by Jongdae’s adorable sleeping expression, he could only smile from ear to ear. Brushing away the smaller’s strands to see his face clearly as the orange dawn light highlighted Jongdae’s face in beautiful rosy colours.

Making him look like an angel.

“ _My angel_ ”, Baekhyun thought as he shuffled closer to Jongdae, before he put a lingering kiss on his eyelids.

 

 

 

_Because this was just perfect the way it was._

 

 

 

_**End** _


End file.
